Big D Puns

You’re too little to smoke

I still think about it sometimes - the WAN that got away.

... For keeping me off the streets.

It’s like they spun out of control.

It was as big as the last two combined!

Cyclops growled, "My life is just a big joke to you, isn’t it!?"

They’re both big fans of coos.

...he tells the owner and bartender that he’s a surgeon down at the hospital and he just wants to forget about everything for awhile.

Dick knows just the thing. He quickly whips up a thick, exotic beverage and places it in front of the worn out doctor. He takes one sip and his eyes light up. “What IS that?” “That’s my signature almond daiquiri”, Dick tells him. The surgeon tells him it’s delicious, pays his bill and comes back the next day and the next day at the same time for the same thing: An almond daiquiri.

Before long, like clockwork, Dick is able to have it ready for him just before he comes in. But, one day as he is preparing the drink, he realizes that he’s run out of almonds! With no time to lose, he quickly substitutes the almonds with hickory nuts and sets the beverage on the bar.

The surgeon pops in, takes a big gulp, and immediately spits it all over the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, “That’s not an almond daiquiri, Dick!” And Dick says, “No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”.

My driveway is big enough...

It was kind of a big dill

They were Big Macs.

Use big words!

They’re a big fan of gross domestic products.

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. The bear shrugged, "I'm not sure, I was born with them"

He said, if I wanted to make it big, I would have to take some whisks.

...it was a big Phở queue.

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!

He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.

I turned at the next exit and found that there was a whole town around it.

Shops, restaurants, even churches devoted to this pickle.

When I finally found the museum holding this legendary pickle, I discovered it was closed.

Dismayed, I went back to the interstate.

I just never saw what the big dill was.

Yeah it’s a big waist of space

Ik ik it’s not a good joke I only give it 3 stars

We got to talking and I found out she worked as a stunt double on some pretty big name movie sets. She looked to be at least 10 years my senior but very fit and attractive and we both seemed to really be hitting it off.

Because all the immediate family in the local area had thrown a smaller, more private celebration for my father a few days prior, I didn't really feel a need to stick around any longer, so I asked the woman if she was interested in sharing some drinks with me at the nearby Hilton where I was staying. She happily accepted.

Suddenly, I turned towards the sound of my father's voice cheerfully calling out the name "Andra" (pronounced ON-druh) and my own as he approached. Andra, the woman I had been speaking with, turned towards him, glanced quickly back at me, then looked back again at my father and with a disconcerted look on her face exclaimed, "Oh brother!"

And that's when I realized the double, Aunt Andra.

An Axe to Grind
A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."

But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house. 
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.

"I didn't cut it down," the father replies. 
"I got it at a tree lot."

"Then why did you bring an axe?"

"Because I didn't want to pay."

So I'm proud to say I made my first dad joke not even 5 min after my son way born.

After he came out, the doctor weighed my son. Doctor said "wow look at the size of those hands!".

Which I had to reply instantly " you know what they say about babys with big hands eh?!?" .... "big gloves" !!

To whole room cracked up and my women just sighed and said. "Really.."

The other responds: "Well, I'm a big metal fan".

The other windmill replied "I'm a big metal fan"

Took a really big dab (weed) and was coughing my brains out, which caused the following conversation between me and my wife:

Wife: "Are you going to make it?"

Me: "Nope.. Cough Hack ..You're gonna... cough ..be a... Hack hack ..widow!"

Wife: "Nooo, you can't die!"

Me: Hack "And I don't even.. cough ..have.. hack ...life insurance!" cough hack cough

Wife: "Wife Insurance?? What is that - If I break can you swap me out for a new one?? Do you mean a pre-nup??"

My body couldn't figure out what the fuck to do. Cough, Laugh, it even got confused and farted. Fucking hilarious.

.....if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

They're calling it the Big Mac

He was as famous for his barrage of punches as he was for his rhyming taunts before a big match.

The called him the Jabberwookie.

Two cannibal friends were sitting together for lunch. The one asked the other:

"Hey, i heard you and your boyfriend had a big fight last night?"

"Yes, that's right."

"So how are things between you right now?"

"Well... right now..."

The cannibal stopped to take a sip of her tea.

"Right now I'm letting him stew..."

Apparently she's not a big fan of 'Let It Go'

Urine big trouble mister!

The bartender replies, "Why the big paws?"

Honestly I'm not a big fan of that

he's essentially a big banner.

Edit: credits to u/mindswag and idk if that was done before :)

My 10 year old son: Don't worry, it's not a big dill. My wife while looking at me: -.-

The bartender asked "why the big pause"

The bear replies "I was born with them"

It was a big spoiler.

For keeping me off the streets

For keeping me off the streets

To make it big, you gotta take some whisks.

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

but its a big plus.

They are big metal fans:

He orders a large coke......... and a rum. The Bartender says, “hey, why the big pause”. The bear says “I don’t know, I was born with them”