I placed a pushpin at a corner, and my life started getting so much better!
I guess that was a real turning point for me
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 10 2020
I wrote a book about how convicted felons can use fiction writing to work through their experiences and achieve better rehabilitation outcomes.
It's called, "Prose and Cons".
π︎ 15
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
Our cow just gave birth and she's been sleeping better...
now that she's de-calf-einated.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Oct 05 2020
It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all
Your golden skin. The way you smelled like heaven. The way you felt in my hands. The way the sun glistened on you. How everyone loved you. You were never expensive on a date. You looked good with anything on. I will miss you pizza slice that fell into the sand
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 01 2020
I couldn't decide on which side of the road I wanted to use my loom. On the northbound side the southbound side looked better. And upon crossing to the southbound side, the northbound side looked better. The cops soon arrested me for operating under the influence.
They said I was weaving all over the road.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
π︎ 942
π
︎ Mar 28 2020
Scientists have noticed that patients who have the cold feel better on Saturdays and Sundays.
Itβs the weekend immune system.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jul 18 2020
I have a friend and every time I make a play on words he always makes a better one
π︎ 16
π
︎ May 09 2020
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jun 07 2020
Tomorrow is International Mud Day, and I had this marvellous exchange with my 4 year old today, Sunday: "Better prepare your gumboots, tomorrow is Mud Day!" I exclaimed. My child, without missing a beat, replied:
"No it's not, it's MUNday!"
The apprentice has now become the master.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 28 2020
Against my better judgement, I ordered a European bride. When I called and asked how long I'd have to wait, they told me...
"The Czechs in the mail."
π︎ 17
π
︎ Feb 15 2020
I booked a table for Valentines night tonight and I just hope it goes better than last year.
We were there for about 20 minutes before my wife even potted a red.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 14 2020
I got rid of all my pillows and now I sleep better than ever
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 20 2020
Most people would prefer to have the time off between Christmas and New Year, but I have a better idea.
I'd like to have the time off between New Year and Christmas.
π︎ 40
π
︎ Jan 01 2020
Mom: I hear that John's business is doing a lot better. How did he manage to get enough people to slow down on that stretch of highway to even notice his store? Dad: Oh, he followed my advice and put up a billboard.
"Nude Colony Ahead, Keep Your Eyes on the Road!"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 23 2019
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
Itβs just plain common scents.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 10 2019
I was reading posts off this sub to my dad, and he sarcastically said, "do you know what's better than reading reddit? having it read to you." I replied,
"well, this way you don't have to have read-it."
(this genuinely happened about a minute ago, he actually left the house)
π︎ 29
π
︎ Feb 17 2019
Iβve peaked. My girlfriend and her friend are both leaving their current jobs for better positions. This is the best joke Iβve ever made.
π︎ 39
π
︎ Apr 03 2019
My mate set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a nappy...
π︎ 153
π
︎ Sep 08 2018
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when youβre in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
π︎ 68
π
︎ Nov 27 2018
Towards the end of December, I saw Bobby Fischer and Gary Kasparov in a hotel lobby, both saying they were the better chess player.
That's the best thing about Christmas - chess nuts boasting on an open foyer.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 18 2019
My grandma has this crazy idea about an apple thatβs sour and way better than any other apple.
But we just call that Grannyβs myth.
π︎ 34
π
︎ Mar 22 2019
I looked in the mirror this morning and realized I get better looking every day
Becasue there's no way I can get any uglier
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 12 2019
My girlfriend and I are having a pregnancy scare, and she's better prepared to be a father than I am.
Last night while discussing our options and what could possibly happen, she said "I have such a gut feeling I'm pregnant" and gave me the slyest look I've ever seen.
π︎ 336
π
︎ Nov 22 2016
Which musical artist is bigger and better than Ariana Grande?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 09 2019
A laser and a microwave got into an argument about who was better at warming things up.
I heard it got pretty heated.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 13 2019
Writing a paper on whether the Categorical Imperative and Rule Utilitarianism are functionally different and which offers a better understanding of morality...
...and right now, I literally Kant even.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 19 2019
Me to my husband: I got my 23&me results back and my genes say I am better off on a low-carb diet.
Him: But what did your shirt say?
It was so unexpected, I was proud!
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jun 08 2018
2018 was cool and all, but what if I told you I can do one better.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 01 2019
My sister: I had two cheese sticks and a cookie for dinner My dad: well you need to have a balanced meal. You better eat another cookie to even it out.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 06 2018
Caught my wife and daughter off guard with this one! On the way to drop our daughter off at school, there had unfortunately been a possum that had just been hit in. Every passerby ran to check on it. I casually said βThose people better watch out, this road is obviously impossumble to crossβ
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 06 2018
Guy used to be in the army. Real good looking guy too. Blond hair, tall, blue eyes. But now tends to sick animals, helping to diagnose and treat them so they can get better.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Oct 01 2016
Got my friend with this a while ago and posted on r/Jokes, but I think it would be better appreciated here. So this friend really likes lifting, so when told me he ran out of protein powder I was surprised and said...
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 17 2016
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 13 2014
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
