Take it easy people. Pretty soon you'll be able to kiss and have sex with the one you love.
But for now, stay at home and do it with the one you're married to.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
With the holidays near, to set a festive atmosphere at your table, be sure you have a shiny chrome plate to hold your condiment sauce. Why?
Because there is no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
π︎ 42
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
I go to the store and buy 2 eggs, a loaf of bread, and some milk. The cashier says βyou must be singleβ and I respond with βhow did you know?β
She responded, β because you are ugly!β
π︎ 204
π
︎ Jul 31 2020
May the sales force be with you.
Q: Why doesnβt Darth Vader hire storm troopers to do his marketing?
A: Because they are always missing their sales targets!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 13 2020
What do you call a candy which doesn't like to be with others?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 02 2020
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, βAs a young boy was your mom strict with you?β I told him, βTo be honest,...
β...my mother was never a young boy.β
π︎ 214
π
︎ Jul 30 2020
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you donβt.β And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town canβt be buried here.β I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz theyβre still alive!"
π︎ 84
π
︎ Jul 26 2020
Iβm a delivery driver that delivers bread products, whilst on my round today a gentleman dropped this on me.....βlooks like you have the best jobβ he says, βwhy is that?β I ask, because you must be loaded with dough!!!
π︎ 15
π
︎ Aug 06 2020
What do you call someone with large nipples who used to be a reporter?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 06 2020
Are you kidding with me? You canβt honestly be this bad at tug of wars.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 12 2020
Do you feel like a thing that is borrowed, especially a sum of money that is expected to be paid back with interest?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 03 2020
If you ever have to cancel plans with friends your excuse should be that you have to wash your hair in a lukewarm shower with high quality dandruff shampoo.
At least that way your friends can never call you flakey.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 23 2020
May the fourth be with you .
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 04 2020
Do you wanna know why people with shell fish allergies canβt be body builders?
Because they canβt have mussels.
π︎ 57
π
︎ May 22 2020
Do you know why someone with ADHD could never be a train conductor?
They always lose their train of thought
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 06 2020
I went out hiking with a friend once but was drastically unprepared, I was shivering. He said to me, you must be a dwarf from South America
Because you're looking a little chilly
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 21 2020
May the flannel be with you
π︎ 172
π
︎ Jan 04 2020
Peace be with you
π︎ 53
π
︎ Feb 24 2020
Her: Iβm done with you. You are way too old to be obsessed with being a tennis umpire!
Me: Iβm only forty, love.
π︎ 9
π
︎ May 15 2020
It used to be free to fill your car tire up with air. Now it coasts 1.50. You know why?
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jan 08 2019
May the Clampetts be with you
π︎ 23
π
︎ Mar 03 2020
May the 4th be with you.
May the 5th be Cinco de Mayo.
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 04 2020
You know what would be funny? A large group of people protesting, getting into fights with police and destroying property.
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 14 2020
What do you call a mushroom thatβs fun to be with?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 15 2020
Would you rather be stuck in a cage with a lion or a bear?
Between the two, Iβd take the ladder.
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 20 2020
I would say may luck be with you today but
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 28 2020
Today while discussing game meats and a kangaroo stew I made a few years back, my coworker pointed out that with the Australian wild fires you wonβt be able to get much kangaroo meat these days...
My reply without missing a beat β youβll be able to buy it, you just wonβt be able to buy it rare.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jan 10 2020
Can I be frank with you joke
Kimberly: Mom, Can I be frank with you?
Mom: of course, Kimberly
kimberly turns into frank
Frank: thanks mom
Mom: no problem frank
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 08 2020
May the Ford be with you
π︎ 70
π
︎ Sep 22 2019
You'll be buried with small pupils if you pass away before dusk.
π︎ 91
π
︎ Jul 06 2019
My wife sighed, "Why does everything have to be a game with you?"
"An excellent question sweetheart!" I said. "But next time, please use the buzzer!"
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Nov 19 2017
May the 4th be with you for today, but remember....
Tomorrow will be Revenge of the 5th
π︎ 46
π
︎ May 04 2019
So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, "You know, people living in Denver can't be buried there" and I look at him and ask him "Why?"
He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".
π︎ 45
π
︎ Jul 02 2019
Her: what took you long? Me: you dont say. I just had a chat with our son bout how he should be wearing a proper underwear instead of diapers,
It was just a brief discussion.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 14 2019
My best friend keeps telling me to βcheer up man. It could be a lot worse, you could be stuck in an underground hole filled with waterβ
π︎ 62
π
︎ Jun 10 2019
If someone dies while youβre tickling them, would you be charged with murderβ¦
π︎ 22
π
︎ Oct 24 2018
If you want to be wise with your money, don't buy any belts
Because it will just go to waist.
π︎ 183
π
︎ Oct 28 2018
If you are wise with dollars you'd be rich, what would you be if you were wise with pennies?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 03 2019
Kid: I'm going to be frank with you, bu- and if you say "Hi Frank, I'm Dad!" I'm gonna be super pissed!
Okay, gonnabesuperpissed.
π︎ 79
π
︎ Nov 06 2018
Thanks for calling the predatory animal lifting agency. Weβll be with you in a minute...
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 18 2019
My daughter screeched, βDaaaaaaaad!! Can't you just be serious for once?! Why does everything have to be a game with you!?β
I replied, βAn excellent question, my dear!! But next time, please use the buzzer!!β
π︎ 335
π
︎ Mar 14 2018
It is with deepest regret that I have to inform you all, my poultry dating site will be closing down,
as I can no longer make hens meet!
π︎ 48
π
︎ Aug 13 2018
My dad said you should always be up front with everyone...
Great man, terrible goalkeeper...
π︎ 298
π
︎ Jun 22 2018
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you donβt.β And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town canβt be buried here.β I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz theyβre still alive!"
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jul 28 2019
Im gonna be frank with you guys...
Hi, I'm Frank! And you are?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Feb 21 2019
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