It was a piece ofart.
Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
It must be a home for violet offenders.
Whatβs orange and sounds like a parrot?
- a carrot
Whatβs brown and sounds like a bell?
- dung
Whatβs green and smells like red paint?
- green paint
Whats red and bad for your teeth
- a brick
I was diagnosed with colour blindness today,
- I tell you, that came right out of the purple.
Colours making a phone call... Green green, green green....Yellow!
What colour is the wind
- blew
Whatβs grey and canβt fly
- a car park
I mean, talk about a faux pas...
An art critic was judging paintings at an event.
The first one was a bland painting of the earth. not too bad, but nothing out of this world.
The second one was a blank painting. Why they even turned it it, donβt ask.
The third one though. The third one was a beautifully crafted painting of a sheep.
The art critic turned to the artist. All they had to say was, βWow, I am wooly astonished. The shear amount of detail of this art ewe made, which definitely lambs you into first place. This might be way pasture standards, but too baaad, donβt be sheepish. This piece definitely separates the sheep from the goats, it will definitely farm you some moo-lah.
Most of this is my own work, if not, it was inspired by something clever!
I hope this will tickle your funnybone and produce a jolly good set of laughs.
A guy didn't register that the wet paint signs about the handrail was still drying, his hand immediately stuck to the rail. My only response to him was, well you see there, it's an application problem, not hardware.
A researcher's obsession with mixing sand, stones, lime and water has started to yield concrete results.
Eyeglass makers who profit well can frame their success.
Joe: I gave the backyard squirrels Christmas presents!
Abby: Are you nuts?
Joe: No, that's what I gave them...
What did the supervisor at the tortilla factory say at the end of a long workday?
That's a wrap!
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. (Insp)
People who don't answer the phone sometimes miss their calling in life.
His words were heavy, but his friends didn't get the gravity of the situation.
Time flies like crazy!
Fruit flies like apples!
Never let logic and reasoning get in the way of telling a good story. (Sounds like something that would be said on TopGear/Grand Tour)
There are a few words that will open many doors for you in life - Push and Pull (Insp)
Somehow people really don't like it when I throw lamps at them to encourage them to lighten up.
Same goes for tossing handles for when they need to get a grip or soap for cleaning up their act.
When you're on the ballot for the water council and they have a runoff election.
Ghosts speak latin, it's a dead language (Insp)
If you work at a grocery, send the interns down to the meat market to get some red herrings.
There was a river in Egypt that no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.
Bad luck Brian - Invests in uranium, profits decay.
There was an explosion at the film manufacturing company, reporters say the story is still developing.
Why do bagpipers walk around?
To get away from the noise (Insp)
Most people have a six-figure income, just the decimal point is in the wrong place.
It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.
In Russia, the term road has had a controversial meaning for a very long time.
In Canada/Russia, you put things in the fridge to warm them up.
Did you know that the creator of Barbie was named Barbara Dahl?
Doc: There's something not q
... keep reading on reddit β‘We agreed to paint our chests to read "FOOTBALL" as we sat in the stands. But two of my pals, the first and second "O", didn't show up. And our team lost! I really should've expected that outcome. My absent friends were the bad o-men.
My father and I work together laying floors. Today we had to work in a unit that a cat had badly soiled; a regular occurrence. In these situations we are payed to seal the floor with sealant.
My dad went to get sealant and walked in with CEILING PAINT.
"This will seal it right? It says ceiling."
If i didnt need his help today I would have told him to leave.
Last night my dad was showing me a gift he picked up for our annual white elephant gift exchange with the family at my grandparents house. It was a large wooden Reindeer, with Christmas light and decorations painted on it, and huge, baby-like eyes. This is how the conversation went. Dad: "I don't think it's too bad. It's kind of different, but not a bad present." Me: "It was a good gift, I don't think it's bad at all. It's enDEERing!" He smiles, gives me an overdramatic groan and eye-roll, and then high-fives me. I love my dad.
A brick
