Lynn's nurse at the vaccination centre recently qualified for a sport in the Tokyo Olympics. What sport is it?

Javelin

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/shreya_shree
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 24 2021
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For the charge of murder, the judge only gave Ray Liotta and Joe Pesci community service

because they were goodfellas

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sergioarmagh
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 07 2021
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Was in my local gardening centre looking at outdoor floor boards when the owner asked me if I wanted decking?

Luckily I got the first punch in.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Junior_Helicopter_56
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 25 2021
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In coal country there was a highly-regarded regional dish made from the community’s table scraps.

You can’t make it legally anymore though. A judge ruled that all the people supplying food were contributing to the delicacy of a miner.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Jester57
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 30 2021
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Why are gas powered cars part of the LGBT community?

They have a transmission.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/moist-packingpeanutz
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 20 2021
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Which vehicle is part of the LGBTQ community?

The bi-cycle.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Derpvboii
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 06 2021
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my grandfather said this today on the dinner table and i was the only one that found it hilarious for no reason at all

G : what type of apples grow on trees ?

my dumbass : idk red and green ?

G : all of them do

wheezes

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/malikbefine
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 30 2021
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F for the guard
πŸ‘οΈŽ 7k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MicrowaveBurrito2568
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 05 2021
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Why did the recycling centre turn away Don Corleone?

They were made an offer they couldn't reuse.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JaimesBond
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 01 2021
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The police arrested a dog for giving birth on the street.

It was littering.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/FoldaHolda
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 09 2021
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A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to build a community swimming pool.

So, I handed him a glass of water.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/gr8prajwalb
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 19 2020
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Perfect for the kids - what do you call a bear with no teeth?!

A gummy bear.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MCKANNON
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 20 2021
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Tae Kwon Donkey (The Ass that kicks back) And Crab Maga (The Krav Maga crab that doesn’t just talk crab, he backs it up). Figured this community of punsters would appreciate the universe we are creating on Patreon. reddit.com/gallery/lgzbtq
πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/KicksandStrings
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 10 2021
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I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 19 2021
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A net loss to the community...

https://preview.redd.it/etjneuh87qe61.jpg?width=1440&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a43ed23f6164c205e69659f2949861fff21d7c0f

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/youtellmebob
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 31 2021
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They renamed the charger for the iphone.

Now they just call it apple juice.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 874
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/FartyMcFry89
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 25 2021
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I'm starting a ridesharing business for underserved rural communities.

I'm going to call it Goober.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/fourchimney
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 19 2021
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Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?

They had a long conversation about bark.

Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 25k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/amalgamxtc
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 18 2021
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I forgot to post this on Pi Day. Oh well! The Argyle Sweater for 3/14/21
πŸ‘οΈŽ 4k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheDorkKnight53
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 15 2021
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Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye...

Told him to use both and he’d probably find him a lot quicker.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 18 2021
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Pleasantly prepared punchline! The Argyle Sweater for 5/13/21
πŸ‘οΈŽ 71
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheDorkKnight53
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 13 2021
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Why is a snowperson becoming an icon of the LBGTQ+ community?

Because a snow person is fluid

πŸ‘οΈŽ 25
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ThamilandryLFY
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 25 2020
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A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."

The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.

"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."

EDIT The responses here are incredible! πŸ‘Œ

πŸ‘οΈŽ 172
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/lady_emily_
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 28 2021
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Breaking News: Archaeologists believe that they've uncovered a cache of pencils that belonged to William Shakespeare. A spokesperson for the dig said they're so badly chewed on the ends,

we can't tell if they're 2B or not 2B.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 597
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/PavilionFlux
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 23 2021
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The Argyle Sweater for 3/31/21
πŸ‘οΈŽ 452
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheDorkKnight53
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 01 2021
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Alright guys, which is the best name for a llama? (All pun based)
πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JeannaLeavy
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 10 2021
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The Content You are here for πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ reddit.com/gallery/mum5al
πŸ‘οΈŽ 86
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/blacknight68
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 20 2021
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What kind of tree is the best for blocking water?

An evergreen

πŸ‘οΈŽ 338
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/7bladesofgrass
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 29 2021
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Sibling humor, the backs of two ocean-themed quilts for my baby bro's new son and daughter.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Noobinoa
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 08 2021
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The wife left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta

Now I’m feeling cannelloni

πŸ‘οΈŽ 131
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 06 2021
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To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 42
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Prestigious-Ad-9931
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 30 2021
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r/coronavirus is officially the fastest-growing community on Reddit

It must be viral.

Edit: OMG Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sagbon98
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 19 2020
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I like to torture my friend's with excellent puns. These are the responses I *live* for. reddit.com/gallery/ms1o2z
πŸ‘οΈŽ 58
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Erasmusings
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 16 2021
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Did you hear about the farmer that just got sentenced for killing his neighbors cow?

After a quick investigation, the Prosecutor was able to turn it into a brief case.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 23
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/skycooper11
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 28 2021
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For the music lovers out there
πŸ‘οΈŽ 22
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/rollandofeaglesrook
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 08 2021
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Melinda was going to sue Bill for not giving her the amount of money she wan entitled to

So Bill said: "A lawsuit? For real? You know I always windows"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/omarkrimlyreddit
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 05 2021
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Just wondering, do you think it's alright for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school..

..or am I just a terrible Teacher ?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 113
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 15 2021
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I took my young son for a beer today for the first time.

I got him a Budweiser, but he didn't like it. So I drank it. I tried him on Coors and he hated that too. So I drank that too. Same thing with Guiness and Whiskey. I was doubling up on everything and he was happy with Apple juice.

By the time we started on vodkas, I was way too drunk to push his pram home.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 59
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 03 2021
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I have nothing but major props for the guy who came up with this caption
πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/tempacct073
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 11 2021
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(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...

The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.

Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.

The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:

"What's sarong with that?"

I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).

His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.

--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)

--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/zipflop
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 12 2021
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Apologies in advance for the worst joke you're going to hear for a while. Why are millenials more susceptible to osteoporosis?

Because so many of them are degenerative hipsters.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/whosevelt
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 14 2021
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A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 1k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 12 2021
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Did youhear about the dog that sat outside a hospital for an entire day

It was a patient dog

πŸ‘οΈŽ 32
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Snowjoggs
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 24 2021
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I'm running a D&D campaign and I figured out the best riddle for the players to solve to open a door.

"Take thine father's blade and ascend!"

>!The solution is Pa's Sword 1234!<

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AFonziScheme
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 03 2021
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I begin my new job tomorrow, proofreading for Merriam-Webster, the online dictionary. I asked them if I'd be starting at nine, and they told me to fuck off.

I'll be starting at aardvark, like everybody else.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 10 2021
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If you're here for the yodelling lesson...

please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 117
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VictimOfRhythm
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 24 2021
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A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck. He finishes his drink, and asks for the check.

Duck billed platypus.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 39
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 10 2021
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A police officer just came to the door and said he was looking for a man with one eye.

I told him he would probably find him faster he used both.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 71
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 02 2021
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Why do women have a difficult time working for the postal service?

It’s mail-dominated.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SecondRateHack
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 06 2021
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