Javelin
because they were goodfellas
Luckily I got the first punch in.
You can’t make it legally anymore though. A judge ruled that all the people supplying food were contributing to the delicacy of a miner.
They have a transmission.
The bi-cycle.
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
They were made an offer they couldn't reuse.
It was littering.
So, I handed him a glass of water.
A gummy bear.
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
https://preview.redd.it/etjneuh87qe61.jpg?width=1440&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a43ed23f6164c205e69659f2949861fff21d7c0f
Now they just call it apple juice.
I'm going to call it Goober.
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
Told him to use both and he’d probably find him a lot quicker.
Because a snow person is fluid
The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.
"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."
EDIT The responses here are incredible! 👌
we can't tell if they're 2B or not 2B.
An evergreen
Now I’m feeling cannelloni
It must be viral.
Edit: OMG Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!
After a quick investigation, the Prosecutor was able to turn it into a brief case.
So Bill said: "A lawsuit? For real? You know I always windows"
..or am I just a terrible Teacher ?
I got him a Budweiser, but he didn't like it. So I drank it. I tried him on Coors and he hated that too. So I drank that too. Same thing with Guiness and Whiskey. I was doubling up on everything and he was happy with Apple juice.
By the time we started on vodkas, I was way too drunk to push his pram home.
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
Because so many of them are degenerative hipsters.
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
It was a patient dog
"Take thine father's blade and ascend!"
>!The solution is Pa's Sword 1234!<
I'll be starting at aardvark, like everybody else.
please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.
Duck billed platypus.
I told him he would probably find him faster he used both.
It’s mail-dominated.
