A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, โ€œLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?โ€

Larry replies, โ€œGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Heโ€™s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When Iโ€™m done, poof! The light goes off.โ€

โ€œWow, thatโ€™s incredible,โ€ the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larryโ€™s wife.

โ€œBonnie,โ€ he says, โ€œLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because Iโ€™m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when heโ€™s done, poof, the light goes off?โ€

โ€œOh sweet Jesusโ€, exclaims Bonnie. โ€œHeโ€™s peeing in the refrigerator again!โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 120
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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Tomatoes. Some say, "TaMayTo". Some say, "TaMahTo". However, I'm at peace with my...

TomaTao

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/capgunbean
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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Pavarotti is resting in peace at last.

Nestled, Dormant.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheAnagramancer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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My grandmother, a very devout member of the Spiritualist church, used to communicate with departed spirits at her congregation. Unfortunately, she passed away last week. By all accounts, it was a peaceful death.

Perhaps she'll be able to tell me herself at the funeral

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/boganic-alcoholic
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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13 of my BEST Jokes

I used to be addicted to soap but ... I am clean now.

I am addicted to brake fluid but ... I can stop anytime.

If you are attacked by a group of clowns ... go for the juggler.

I just moved and IMMEDIATELY after we move in he starts banging on my door every night yelling at me ... coincidentally I just happen to be playing my drums those nights so I could easily tune him out.

I was just diagnosed with colorblindness ... It came right out of the purple.

I failed math so many times at school ... I canโ€™t even count.

Once i threw a boomerang, it never came back, ... Now I live in CONSTANT fear

When life gives you melons ... you might be dyslexic.

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline ... She hit the ceiling!

There are 3 types of people in this world, those who can count ... and those who can't

They say three out of five people suffer from diarrhea ... so ... does that mean two out of five enjoy it?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 90
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Toydles
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey"...

... died peacefully at age 83. The most traumatic part both for his family and the funeral home was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in... And then the trouble started.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/andersonfmly
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 31 2020
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Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 ย  - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2ย ย  - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3ย ย  - Half the people you know are below average.

4ย ย  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 ย  - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7ย ย  - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 ย  - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 ย  - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 22
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ksbalaji
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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Moral of the story: living well is the best revenge

Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well on the outskirts of the town. One morning, a woman went to the well to fetch water for the day. The lady was crying and the well heard this. A voice came from the well and asked โ€œwhatโ€™s wrong?โ€

The lady stopped sobbing and asked the well, in utter disbelief, โ€œyou can talk?โ€

โ€œYesโ€ the well said, โ€œlong ago, the witch living in this town gave life to me so I could protect the towns peopleโ€

โ€œAlasโ€ the woman said, โ€œI am the daughter of that witch. She lived in peace with the town for many years, but the new mayor, who is a violent and hateful man, riled the townspeople up against her. The town burnt my mom at the stake! I am still young and do not know much magic. I tried to curse the town, but failed, and now I fear I may never avenge my mother.โ€

โ€œDo not be afraidโ€ the well said, โ€œI will take care of this.โ€

The next morning the mayor was going to the well to fetch water when he heard an odd noise. He peered over the edge to look down as far as he could when an impossibly long arm shot up at him. The arm grabbed the mayor and dragged him down into the depths of the well. There was a horrible crunching sound and the mayor was never seen again. The townsfolk apologized to the witchโ€™s daughter and everyone lived happily ever after.

See moral above for the pun...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ManGood2002
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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A man I know was struggling to find his inner peace

He was talking to his wife about it and his wife admonished him, saying "It's all that sitting around you do!". After some thought, the man took to the internet and posted all the seats in the house for sale on craigslist and similar sites. He posted the loveseat, the couch, their barstools, everything. It all sold pretty quickly, and once the last piece was gone, he proudly showed his wife what he'd done. Upset and dismayed at what he'd done, she turned to him tearfully and asked, "Did you find your inner peace now?!" He smiled and cupped her face in his hands, looking her in the eyes, and said,

"Hon, I've got not a chair in the world!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sirtopherthemighty
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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My boss went to have coffee at 11 am.

So I immediately pounced upon the opportunity and forwarded the time in his laptop by 6 hours.

When he returned, I said, "I'm leaving now. It's 5 PM already."

"Oh yes it is," He said, "See you tomorrow."

"It fucking worked!" I thought to myself, as I jolted towards home.

I then enjoyed my entire day and was sleeping peacefully at night, when my phone suddenly rang at 3:15 AM.

He said, "Hurry up, you're 15 minutes late for work."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sodomicity
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
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My dad dropped this bird plane joke on me.

Two birds were flying together peacefully in the air. All of a sudden, a 747 blew past them at high speed. The birds were tumbling, tumbling, tumbling and tumbling, until they finally stabilized.

BIRD 1 exclaimed: "Woah! Did you see how fast that bird flew past us!"

BIRD 2 still dizzy from tumbling replied: "If you had 4 assholes on fire๐Ÿ”ฅ you would be going that fast too!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Chefboyclakie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 03 2018
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My mom's accidental dad joke

My great aunt died recently. My mom called and told me at school. I guess my aunt had fallen asleep on the couch and never woke up. She had an enlarged heart, the doctors said, and it gave out on her while she was sleeping.

I didn't really know my aunt, but my mom grew up with her. So I asked my mom if she was okay.

"Yeah I'm okay," she said. "I will miss her, but she died peacefully. She was a good woman. She had a really big heart."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 86
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/geekcheese
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 30 2015
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Stolen from a friends Facebook post

OK... so did you ever notice how every time you spend 4 days alone in the woods and you make it out without a scratch or even a mosquito bite, and you're feeling all peaceful and relaxed and at one with the universe, you're not home 20 minutes and unloading the back of your truck when you slam your right shin into the trailer hitch... and amid the flashing white stars around you, your fists clench, your teeth grit, your body tenses and every "mean, nasty and ugly" word you ever read, heard, uttered or even imagined ("Wait... is #*&%#@!!! even a word??? Oh what the heck? It works!") goes tearing through your brain.... and eventually it passes and you keep working, surprised you're not even limping and it doesn't hurt more than it does... and almost an hour later, when you're finished and getting undressed to take your first hot shower in days, you see a lump on your shin the size of Rhode Island... and the first image that pops into your head is John Merrick yelling "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!... in fact, it literally looks like a second knee on your right leg... so you spend the rest of the evening keeping it elevated and icing it on and off, alternating between a blue gel pack and a bag of frozen peas.... and when you go to bed, you keep the gel pack on while you read and then take it off before you go to sleep... and then you wake up around 3AM and decide to check your shin and the swelling has gone down quite a bit... but since you still have several hours before you get up, you decide to ice it again... but the gel pack on the floor is no longer cold so you get up, walk to the kitchen and open the fridge... and after taking a bite of leftover pizza from last night (because... well, you're here and what the heck?), you go into the freezer, grab the bag of frozen peas and take them back to bed with you... but they're all frozen into one big solid ball and well, that won't do... so you lay the bag on the bed to pound it once or twice to break them up, but instead the bag bursts open and suddenly there are frozen peas sprayed all over the bed and rolling onto the floor... and all those words from yesterday come rushing back into your head as you kneel to gather them all up... but suddenly your anger completely vanishes and you can't help laughing to yourself as you think, "gee, I can't remember the last time I pea'd the bed in the middle of the night"???

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Markwittz
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 09 2017
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A man went to the doctor..

Doc said "You'll soon be at peace."

The man replied "I'm dying!?"

Doc said "No your wife is."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 24
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/The_Yakuza
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 30 2016
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My dad got me and my sister today in the car

I was in the car with my sister and my (very white) dad today and we were next to an old black genesis that was blasting rap music with the windows down. So my dad looks at my sister and I with a smirk, changes to the hip hop station on satellite, winds down the window and cranks the volume to the top, bobbing his head along with the music and making peace signs. He refused to turn it off for the rest of the 10 minute car ride because he was so proud of himself.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Gre3nLeader
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 15 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Made the whole cafe laugh!

We were doing the close down of the cafe I work at and I was told to clean the toilet. Obviously once cleaned no one can use it that day otherwise it'd have to be cleaned again. "Anyone need the toilet before I go and clean it?" I said. Then without meaning to make a joke, ended it with "If not, keep quiet and forever hold your peace (piece)." It took a while for it to sink in but everyone laughed.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheBrokenPixelll
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 29 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, โ€œLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?โ€

Larry replies, โ€œGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Heโ€™s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When Iโ€™m done, poof! The light goes off.โ€

โ€œWow, thatโ€™s incredible!โ€ the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larryโ€™s wife.

โ€œBonnie...โ€ he says. โ€œLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because Iโ€™m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom and when heโ€™s done, poof, the light goes off?โ€

โ€œOh sweet Jesus!" exclaims Bonnie. โ€œHeโ€™s peeing in the refrigerator again!โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 48
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 18 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, โ€œLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?โ€

Larry replies, โ€œGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Heโ€™s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When Iโ€™m done, poof! The light goes off.โ€

โ€œWow, thatโ€™s incredible,โ€ the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larryโ€™s wife.

โ€œBonnie,โ€ he says, โ€œLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because Iโ€™m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when heโ€™s done, poof, the light goes off?โ€

โ€œOh sweet Jesusโ€, exclaims Bonnie. โ€œHeโ€™s peeing in the refrigerator again!โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 25
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, โ€œLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?โ€

Larry replies, โ€œGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Heโ€™s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When Iโ€™m done, poof! The light goes off.โ€

โ€œWow, thatโ€™s incredible." the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larryโ€™s wife.

โ€œBonnie...โ€ he says. โ€œLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because Iโ€™m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when heโ€™s done, poof, the light goes off?โ€

โ€œOh sweet Jesus!" exclaims Bonnie. โ€œHeโ€™s peeing in the refrigerator again!โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 26
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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