βthank you for your cervix.β
Who buys gummy worms hoping theyβd taste as close to real worms as possible?
He's currently assembling his cabinet.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
It's a complex complex complex.
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
and after a second, "For a moment there I thought it was the horse."
Because Lisa Kudrow.
Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen.
The man asks "is this good for wasps?"
The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"
A hummingbird.
I don't know. But it is definitely not herd.
Perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Heβs an extremely aggressive janitor.
But I wonβt letter!
Mentos
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
A fizzician
It's night.
Nomads
This is the last straw.
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
I still donβt get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
wooden tit?
True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."
I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"
He responds, "it's dead grass."
I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"
.
.
.
He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.
It was horrific. They did unspeakable things.
I told him I donβt knead the dough, but I do get a rise out of it
A buttocks.
It's half empty.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
..do you just get exhausted ?
That's what I do when I'm Russian
7 was a well known 6 offender
It was the hardest dump I ever took
I'd say she is ovary-acting .
The jokes werenβt that good, but I liked the execution.
[removed]
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
They said it was grounds for termination.
"The sink is the most important! It's where you get water for cooking, wash your hands, clean fruits and vegetables, and clean the dishes up afterwards."
But another person said,
"The countertop is even more important. It's where the food is prepared. And if the counter weren't there, you wouldn't have a sink at all!"
The first person was shocked. They weren't expecting a counterargument.
The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.
"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."
EDIT The responses here are incredible! π
