I was sitting in a bar when a man sat beside me.
He asked me, βWhatβs your favourite dirty word?β
I replied with, βMud.β
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︎ Jun 27 2021
A man is at a sellout football game with an empty seat beside him
The guy behind him notices that the seat is empty and asks why.
"My wife recently passed away. We have season passes and she never missed a game" the man said.
"I'm very sorry to hear that" replied the man behind him."Couldn't you have invited one of your friends to come with you to fill the seat?"
"Oh no!" The man replied. "They're all at the funeral".
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︎ Jul 02 2021
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play at that game.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Jun 30 2021
Have you heard about the Angel of Death that's not so intelligent?
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︎ Jun 21 2021
My 6 year old wanted me to share his joke with you all. What is a horses favorite store?
π︎ 9k
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︎ Jun 28 2021
My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work
She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up
π︎ 6k
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︎ Jun 27 2021
Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
π︎ 6k
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︎ Jun 23 2021
Iβve got a condition which causes me to make terrible puns.
Itβs a dad-ly disease.
Happy Fatherβs Day to all the dads that get me though my day to day life, without you Dad Jokes wouldnβt mean a thing π
π︎ 9k
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︎ Jun 20 2021
This morning Siri said "don't call me Shirley"
I'd accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
π︎ 6k
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︎ Jun 09 2021
Someone asked me to name 2 structures that hold water.
π︎ 5k
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︎ Jun 17 2021
First post here, forgive me
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︎ Jun 17 2021
My dad literally just said this to me.
Dad: Whatcha reading?
Me: Just Reddit
Dad: Well if you already read it why are you reading it again?! (Nudges me) Get it?? Hahahaha
Me: (rolls eyes) Ha.Ha.
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︎ May 27 2021
A couple days ago I went for a walk beside a pasture and seen a lone cow when I went again today he wasn't there
I guess he got a promotion for being the only one outstanding in his field
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︎ Feb 28 2021
I asked my wife to describe me in a few words
She said:
I'm mature
I'm moral
I'm polite
And, by and large, I'm perfect
Don't know why she then accused me of having "a fundamental incapability to understand the proper use of apostrophes and spacing" though....
π︎ 9k
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︎ Jun 03 2021
I heard that a gang based in Los Angeles is creating paper money with pictures of the founder's foot's digits in place of presidents...
I dunno if the Crip-toe currency will take off or not.
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︎ May 19 2021
Two brothers got really mad at me today for calling them hipsters.
Apparently the correct term is βconjoined twinsβ.
π︎ 6k
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︎ Jun 20 2021
Me: Sorry I'm late. I broke down on the way to work.
Boss: Is your car with the mechanic?
Me: Car?
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︎ May 31 2021
Iβm sorry aboot these. Please donβt kick me out of this sub or shoe me away....
π︎ 3k
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︎ Jun 12 2021
Quote me
π︎ 6k
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︎ May 22 2021
My 5 year old told me this today - Dad, how does a farmer count all his animals in the barn?
π︎ 8k
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︎ May 26 2021
It hurts me to say this, but ...
π︎ 7k
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︎ Jun 01 2021
Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the Army is???
Every time I ask someone, they tell me "it's private."
π︎ 880
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︎ Jun 22 2021
My friend sent me dad joke from this subreddit
π︎ 6k
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︎ May 21 2021
My dad asked me if I had heard of Murphy's Law
I said "Yes, dad. If something can go wrong, it will go wrong".
He then asked me if I had heard of Coles Law
"No, dad. What is that one"?
He says, "thinly sliced cabbage".
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︎ Jul 02 2021
My son asked me today, βwhy didnβt the head go to prom?β
Me: βwhy?β
Son: βBecause he had noBODY to dance withβ
Heβs ten and says he came up with it on his own. Iβm so proud.
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︎ Jun 27 2021
My Daughter says to me at dinner " Hey Dad, your glass is empty, would you like another one of those ? "
..why would I want two empty glasses..!?
π︎ 2k
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︎ Jun 27 2021
Friend: βBro, can you pass me that pamphlet?β
π︎ 8k
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︎ May 23 2021
My wife has accused me of stealing her Thesaurus....
Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Jun 11 2021
I am colorblind. Could you help me determine its color?
π︎ 68
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︎ Jun 23 2021
Me: Huh, I'm wearing away my A Key. Husband: So...that means you're not in pain any more? Me: Take my upvote and leave!
π︎ 42
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︎ Jun 30 2021
My Dad just sent me this
π︎ 5k
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︎ Apr 28 2021
I'm absolutely heartbroken. My Wife just broke up with me over my chronic gambling addiction..
..Desparate to win her back.
π︎ 450
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︎ Jun 12 2021
This one cracked me
π︎ 4k
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︎ May 13 2021
It just occurred to me that the opposite of Artificial Intelligence is β¦
π︎ 1k
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︎ Jun 04 2021
You can't do this to me. I know my rights!
π︎ 717
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︎ May 28 2021
My dad used to hit me with cameras
π︎ 4k
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︎ Apr 30 2021
Took me a while
π︎ 7k
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︎ Apr 04 2021
For my birthday my brother bought me an elephant for my room.
I said "Thanks." He said "Don't mention it."
π︎ 5k
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︎ May 15 2021
The T-Shirt that my Daughter got me for Father's Day is a Dad Joke about Dad Jokes
I wish I could post a picture here, but it says, "Dad Jokes are how eye roll."
It's a meta-Dad joke. I'm so proud of her!
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︎ Jun 20 2021
The lesbians next door got me a Rolex as a gift
I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch"
π︎ 409
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︎ Jun 13 2021
I got an email the other day telling me how to read maps backwards.
Turns out it was just spam.
π︎ 1k
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︎ Jun 09 2021
My Son just told me this one:
Son: I can spell Yacht!
Dad: Ok, spell Yacht
Son: Y-A-H-T
Dad: You forgot the C
Son: No, itβs under the Yacht
π︎ 2k
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︎ May 22 2021
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up man, it could be worse. You could stuck underground in a hole full of water
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︎ Jul 01 2021
(Bear with me its a long setup) A frog walks into a bank and asks a woman named Patricia Whack for a loan. "My father is Mick Matter" he says, placing a ceramic elephant on the counter. Patricia goes to her boss and tells him the story, asking "what is this?" And placing the elephant on his desk.
The man replies " It's A knicknack, patty whack, give the frog a loan, his old mans a rolling stone (also I meant Mick jagger my autocorrect sucks balls)
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︎ Jul 03 2021
My wife called me at work and said βitβs time, the baby is comingβ
I said thatβs impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
π︎ 4k
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︎ May 01 2021
I forgot to pay my water bill again so the city sent me a card.
π︎ 163
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︎ Jun 26 2021
I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
So far nobody has given me a straight answer
π︎ 7k
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︎ Jul 04 2021
If someone told me tomorrow is the start of a new month...
π︎ 26
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︎ Jul 01 2021
I've got a condition which causes me to make terrible puns.
π︎ 209
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︎ Jun 06 2021
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