If someone yawns on tv and yawning is contagious, that person has a chance of being a superspreader and causing a short yawndemic 🐸
Don't be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I'm selling a TV for $1, but it's broken and it's stuck on the highest volume.
That's a deal you can't turn down.
I snuck up behind my daughter and whispered, "I think our microwave and our TV are spying on us!!! And I also think our vacuum cleaner..."
"...has been gathering dirt on us for years!"
I felt really sad when I saw a girl on TV crying and saying, “I Miss America!”
Then someone corrected her grammar and gave her a sash and a tiara.
My sister was moving her TV into her house, and i said,
”Careful, that tv is SHARP!” since it was a sharp branded TV
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
The weatherman for our local TV channel broke both his arms and his legs in a car accident.
He is calling in from the hospital with his four casts.
For my COVID quarantine, I got a tent and put a TV and all the Tarantino movies I could find in it.
I call it my Tentin' Quarantino.
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a TV journalist.
I have some breaking news for her.
This evening, everyone remember to relax and sit in front of the TV
Because you will see nothing if you sit behind it.
My dad came into the living room asking what I was watching on tv, after I told him he got mad and left.
I guess I’ll talk to him after I finish watching boomerang
While watching TV Land I turned to my son and said
gee, commercials back then sure were good at predicting the future.
Just once i want to hear a tv chef take a pinch of herbs and say "thyme" *second pinch "and thyme again".
My wife and my family are leaving me because of my obsession with watching horse racing on TV.
I'm a 4ft tall meteorologist on prime time TV and I get sick regularly.
I've been under the weather for several years.
Last night, me and my friend watched 3 DVDs back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the tv.
I WAS on top of the laundry. Then my wife had to ruin everything and tell me to fold it like I promised and stop lying on it while I watch TV.
I bought a tv that said “built in antenna” and I feel so stupid
I don’t even know where antenna is
My dad just looked up from the tv and said this...
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
He then chuckled and went back to watching the news.
After a long, hard day’s worth of work I love to wind down by watching low-effort zombie movies and tv shows.
They’re all pretty brainless.
I saw a Japanese martial artist I know, I've seen him on tv before so I excitedly waved at him. He's confused and said "I don't believe we've met"
I said "I recognize Judo"
If cats and dogs watch tv. Do they press paws in the remote?
The famed psychic and staple of late night TV Mrs. Cleo died recently.
What do you call someone who brags about streaming TV and movies?
Did you hear about the new TV station focusing on Oceanography and Linguistics?
It's called the English Channel
I bet they'll eventually make a reality TV show about robots who hit on underage humans, and it'll be called
GF and I were watching TV and the show is advertising cocktails that taste of pizza.
I turned to my GF and asked her if the cocktails were ‘Margaritas’.
She, of course, was not impressed.
Do you know about the TV channel where they dissolve celebrities and musicians in acid?
What do you call a color TV between two black and white TV's?
I'd like to see a lighthearted TV show called Prose and Cons- about the struggles of a poetry club in a prison.
Why do so many rhetoric courses and debate classes use the Canadian TV show "Trailer Park Boys" as educational material?
Because each episode has so many bros and cons.
My mom couldn't find the 'clicker' for the tv and asked my dad if he had seen it.
My dad responds, "I haven't the remotest idea where it is."
Sometimes when my kid wants to play hide-and-seek and I want to watch the ballgame on TV,
I let them go hide while I sit on the couch and count to nine innings.
My dad got me last night while eating dinner and watching TV
I asked "Is there ketchup?", to which he replied "No, this is live TV"
A dyslexic televangelist had to wear a brace on his leg while on TV. It was a dog and poor knee show.
My dad was cooking and watching a movie on TV at the same time
I went in and asked him do you like it? He says "I haven't eaten it yet" so I point at the TV and say "No I meant that" and he replies "Idk I haven't eaten that either"
My wife told me I should get up and do things instead of watching TV all day...
Wife and I were watching Micheal Moore on TV. She commented he was getting odder.
I said soon he will be swimming on his back and cracking clams on his stomach.
Me and my mom got dad joked while watching tv this evening.
Mom (watching American Idol): You sure don't see a whole lot of black cowboys on tv.
Dad: Sure you do, I saw a whole team of them get their asses kicked last sunday.
I hate it when I'm watching TV and my dog comes and puts her pause on the remote.
So last night my step sisters, dad and I were watching TV.
My dad had just mentioned that he doesn't like drinking out of straws, and my younger step sister asked, "why don't you like straws?"
So he said, "straws are for suckers."
I thought it was pretty good.
Dad was watching a TV show on space and dark matter..
Dad: I think I'm going to look for dark matter.
Me: Okay then Dad.
Dad: I guess I shouldn't take a torch with me.
My friend has a problem with his tv's speaker system, and he just couldn't understand my interest in the problem.
Me: What's the problem with it?
Friend: It echoes!
Me: It echoes!
Friend: Yeah, it just doesn't stop echoing.
Me: Echoing.
Last night my girlfriend and I watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
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