G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
he just got the most expensive one he could afford for $99.99. he asked to use the cow vendors phone to call his dad. the vendor replied "sure, for $5". the kid worked out a deal to send one text with one word for one cent. he sent his dad: "comfortable"
"Guys, that's our last resort."
1
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
Do not consume if seal is broken
Morning, Apple Pie and Coffee. Noon, Apple Pie and Coffee. Night, Apple Pie and Coffee. Getting tired of this same meal, he asks his coworkers to teach him a new dish to order. He learns Steak and Eggs.
Waitress: Hiya hon’, Apple Pie and Coffee as usual?
Man (smiling proudly): Steak and Eggs!
Waitress: Oh! Changing it up to day! How would you like your eggs? Scrambled, sunny side up, poached, fried? How would you like your steak? Rare, medium rare, medium, medium well, well? . . . . . .
Man: ... Apple Pie and Coffee.
Bartender: Now that’s an order of magnitude!
Because his name was Improvement. And there's always room for improvement.
Sir Prise
I turn back to my son and say “it turns out, I’m not made of money”.
It was groundbreaking.
For my job in a software company we have to record a conference call with the developer and my QA team whenever we push a new project live. During the call there was a train in the background which was pretty loud coming from the developer who is named Trey. After we had finished testing i said: "Hey, did anyone else hear that? What was that?" My boss who was in the call said: "Yea i did, it was a train i think." I let the silence hang for a bit and said: "Are you sure? It sounded like a Treyyyyyyyain" Immediately heard multiple groans and my boss says: "Ok i'm done" and leaves the call, quickly followed by everyone else.
So it's my birthday, and my dad calls to tell me happy birthday.
Dad: So, what are you now? 20?
Me: Yep.
Dad: Man, time just flies. It seems like yesterday you were only 19.
