Affectionately Melanie Puns

CONTENT WARNING: Child Abuse, Sexual Violence

Part 1 Part 2 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 (FINAL)

There was no choice but to sit and wait for my parents. It was raining too hard outside, and I didn’t have enough money for a taxi. Besides, where else could I go? As much as I hated everything about my hometown, I needed to stay. I needed to stay to save my sister and destroy everyone else in the process.

Including our parents.

The sound of a car’s engine drew closer, and the next thing I knew, my parents were in the office with me and Melanie. They scarcely looked at me as I sat on one of the seats, still sobbing my heart out. But they hugged Melanie, asked her how she was, and thanked her for the cookies she sent them for their anniversary while I was away in college. Stupid, commonplace, ordinary topics, between three people who were completely complicit in the torture of a young girl in a basement underneath us. I wanted to barf.

Finally, Mom turned to me. “What made you come home, Dina?” she asked. “We were planning to take you on a trip to Dubai for the term break. You could’ve waited at your dorm.”

“Yes,” Dad went on. “You practically wasted your money on that long commute.” He chuckled lightheartedly.

I stared at them with my mouth hung open. Deep inside, I wanted to give them an earful and then disown them as my parents. Or worse. But since I needed to save Nina first, I had to be smart.

I wiped my tears and took a deep breath. “I know the truth,” I said slowly. “I know that right now, as we speak, Nina’s downstairs and being raped by the mayor’s son.”

“James is here?” Mother said, turning to Melanie. She shook her head. “That boy. Why is he always so late?”

Melanie chuckled. “He wants more privacy, I guess. Let him. It’s been raining a lot lately and we still haven’t found that impostor.”

“Expect a lot of families with young children to move out of Salome if this situation doesn’t improve,” Father muttered. Thun

Do your worst!

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 (FINAL)

Part One

I used to have a twin sister. I used to live in the quiet little town of Salome, a seaside community in the middle of nowhere, with a population of around twenty-five thousand. At least, it was when we were children, my sister and I, before the current mayor was elected. It seemed like an eternity ago.

The Salome of my childhood was a close-knit community where everybody knew each other. There were rich people and poor people, but most of us were somewhere in between. We made a living out of our seafood. We traded shrimp, crabs, and clams, alongside a variety of fish, with bigger communities and cities not too far away from us. We had several seafood groceries and restaurants. We were not a tourist hotbed though, not back then. We had only one crummy old inn for people traveling to farther destinations. Otherwise, nobody outside would willingly spend a night within our borders, unless they were a visiting relative or friend.

It was all because of the water, and its deadly unpredictability. Every so often, rain or shine, weekday or weekend, a life would be claimed by a whirlpool. It could suck in anybody from a wandering toddler to two fishermen trying to make a living. And then the typhoons. We were taught to swim, not because it was fun to play at the shores, but because it was dangerous to do so.

My sister Nina and I would still play on the shores when the sun was high up and classes were over, despite our parents’ warnings. All of us children had that tendency to be naughty, until another death would come along and we would shudder at the sight of the sea for several weeks before dipping our toes into it again. I was the one who always dipped first. Nina was the good, obedient one...unless she was with me. Then, giggling, we’d splash water at each other and run home dripping wet, ready to get

Pilot on me!!

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

They’re on standbi

What did 0 say to 8 ?

" Nice Belt "

So What did 3 say to 8 ?

" Hey, you two stop making out "

I won't be doing that today!

You take away their little brooms

There hasn't been a post all year!

It’s pronounced “Noel.”

After all his first name is No-vac

What, then, is Chinese rap?

Edit:

Notable mentions from the comments:

• Spanish/Swedish/Swiss/Serbian hits

• French/Finnish art

• Country/Canadian rap

• Chinese/Country/Canadian rock

• Turkish/Tunisian/Taiwanese rap

There hasn't been a single post this year!

(Happy 2022 from New Zealand)

Bob

So that I could frequently say, "I am going to walk 5 miles now."

Edit: My most popular post on Reddit! 😀 Thank you for the awards.

Just to clarify, 12345678

Me grabbing a soda from my (what I thought was) half full 12pk...

Notices there's only 2;

Me: "Awe man... This is a damn bird box!" Her: "What the hell does that mean?!" Me: (Pulls both cans out & shows them to her) "It's only got Toucans."

I'm not ashamed to admit the look on her face was glorious.

I was just sitting there doing nothing.

“BOOM”?!

"That's what they're fighting about."

Because his Visa didn’t work.

free

A happy Uncle.....

Because the audience only responds in a low ha

Ice-olation.

She's only eleven and says she came up with that by herself. I'm so proud 😭😭😭

"No, it doesn't."

We couldn't afford a dog...

This morning, my 4 year old daughter.

Daughter: I'm hungry

Me: nerves building, smile widening

Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.

She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.

Thank you all for listening.

"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"

I’d never seen him be 4.