It’s been years since the show ended, and I’m a little annoyed that people are still making ‘Friends’ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.
He just can't part with it.
My friend said, “You have a BA, Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”
It was a third degree burn.
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10." But what I still don’t get is why...
She wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
My friend asked me if Princess Bride jokes are still a thing
I said, “they’re mostly dead”
I've heard that if you exercise, drink plenty of water, and get enough sleep, your brain might nominate you for a prestigious award. I haven't won yet but I'm still trying!
People ask me why I still work as a mailman,on such low salary.
I tell them : "Its not about the money; Its about sending a message"
Is an argument between two vegans still called a 'beef'?
A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks a go and it still hurts.....
I can't believe it's not better.
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
A Harper Lee novel on trial refused to open up about their case case, but was still judged by it's cover.
Moral of the story... Don't kill animals.
Edit: remove one case
My four year old has been learning Spanish for a year, and he still can’t say ‘please’
I think that’s poor for four
Did you hear about the mummy that just woke up and is still convinced he’s ruler of Egypt? When told ‘that’s impossible’ he flew into a rage, ran away, and jumped in a river.
People say he’s in da Nile
What do you call a number that won't sit still??
A Roamin' Numeral.
(Apologies if it's an old joke. My daughter told me this today while doing online math class. THANKS COVID!!)
Everyone stay safe and healthy!
How can Jedis swing so lightly with a lightsaber and still cut through everything so easily.
They swing with alot of Force.
I got a vasectomy and my wife still doesn't know it.
I just dont have the balls to tell her.
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
A good title for a conservative news article a couple days ago when Trump declared “Stop the count!” after Biden started making gains but Trump still could’ve shocked the world would’ve been...
“Trump’s Not Down For the Count”
I lost all my hair years ago, but I still carry a comb.
A guy once paid 10,000 Bitcoin for a pizza when it was still cheap...
That pizza shop must be swimming in dough.
I want to start a career as a counterfeit poetry books salesman, but I'm still undecided.
There's lots of prose and cons.
A bunch of male ducks teased me today because I still watch Nickelodeon.
I ignored them because I don't have time for Drakes and Josh
I asked my local locksmith why he's still open during these crazy times. Turns out he's a key worker.
So is the piano shop owner next door.
I still experience long-lasting psychological effects from having a childhood friend that took offense at everything I did.
My doctor calls it Irritable Pal Syndrome.
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
So I was buying cheese the other day when the clerk came out with a large wheel. Problem is, they tripped, landing on the wheel and crushed it. He asked if I still wanted it. I said no. He asked why.
I simple told him "It's no Gouda!"
But they can still draw a crowd
My girlfriend and I just had a fight. She has locked herself in the bathroom for an hour and still hasn't left.
As a single dad money can be tight. But even when I’m on a date and I know I’m not attracted to her, I still like to get the door for her and let her walk through. It makes her feel appreciated.
And it makes it easier to slam the door and run so I don’t have to pay for dinner.
I know it's a public health thing ... still getting pretty tired of this Korn teen
I asked a German girl for her number and I'm still waiting for the rest of the numbers
I still don't understand why I got in trouble in high school for turning in my Biology lab notebook with a turd in it.
The teacher told us specifically to keep a log in our notebook!
*while my dad and I drive past a cemetery*
Dad: "Did you know that the people who live in this town aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?"
Me: "Oh, why?"
Dad: "Cuz they're still alive."
My friend was telling me the other day that their nan's mum is still alive. She asked me "Do you have a great grandmother?"
I said "Eh, she's alright I guess."
I still did not get a proper clock for home.
Because it is not time yet.
I got friend zoned but being the gentleman that I am, I still have her a dozen roses for Valentine’s Day
I asked my dermatologist why my skin is so itchy a year ago, and he still hasn’t answered me.
I’m starting to think that he doesn’t want to make a rash decision.
I know a couple who has been through so much shit and is still together
I present to you my ass cheeks
I'm trying for a title based on a song but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
Did you hear about the italian chef that died?
He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeast🙏🏻❤️
Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!😁
A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts.
I can’t believe it’s not better.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
My friend told me, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like a moron.”
It was a third degree burn.
I lost my hair years ago, but still carry a comb
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
