The sea
I was outraged.
I thought "How dairy!"
Phil
I heard parents named their children lance a lot.
First post please don't kill me
Edit: i went to sleep and now my inbox is dead, thank you kind strangers for the awards!
I replied, now you know how I feel.
People say he’s in da Nile
That was the punchline
He said, “Change the batteries in your hearing aid”.
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
She said:
I'm mature
I'm moral
I'm polite
And, by and large, I'm perfect
Don't know why she then accused me of having "a fundamental incapability to understand the proper use of apostrophes and spacing" though....
I know he means well.
Edit: Wow. Thanks for the awards, kind Reddit strangers!
With a cowculator!
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
...sails are going through the roof.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
The man says to the bartender “1 for me, and 1 for the road”
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
"Because you're the largest re-tailer in the world!"
I guarantee you that nobody has ever heard them.
His condition is stable now
I call him Dr. Awkward
Because adding just one more would make it too farty. Straight from my 7 year old daughter.
Edit: Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes. I showed my daughter how many people saw and appreciated her humor and she's extatic. I know she probably didn't come up with the joke herself but this was one of the first times she really got me with a good one and I thought I'd share it with some fellow dads and others.
They’re both Paris sites
Imagine my surprise when my doctor told me I was getting a trophy.
Dim sum.
Because Lisa Kudrow.
They supported The Doors.
Cuz they're really terrible at stand up comedy
We've just released our Greatest Shit album.
Bob
But I think they are on the way out.
……so to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.
This is because Windows no longer supports Flash...
so I have to make every second count.
Bill
An out-sect
But you measure rattlesnakes in meters, because they have rhythm.
ICU
When it's fully groan.
Happy Father's Day! 🥳🍰🎈
just a handful.
It made a lot of cents.
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it.
I guarantee no one has ever heard them!
