Today my wife gave birth to a baby boy. I have waited for this moment for so long..
Now I can finally post my jokes here. Thank you God.
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︎ Feb 11 2022
When asked his advice on the secret of a happy marriage, King Henry VIII pondered the thought for a moment, then he replied...
... "it's all in the execution."
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︎ Apr 12 2022
A lumberjack was cutting down a tree when he heard a groan. He stopped, listened, and thought he heard a voice. βWhoβs there?β he asked. βItβs me,β said the tree. βIβm a talking tree.β The lumberjack paused for a moment, contemplating, then swung again with impunity and saidβ¦
βIf youβre a talking tree, then you should die a log.β
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︎ Mar 24 2022
Proud Dad moment here: I was changing out a light fixture in the front hall and asked my 16yo son to hand me a pair of pliers
As he gave them to me, he said βSure Dad β many hands make light work.β
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︎ Jan 23 2022
Catastrophy was averted yesterday for famous duo circus act Rocket Randy and his mule. The moment before Randy was to be shot out of a cannon, in a separate act, his mule climbed into the cannon backwards. Both were rushed to the hospital and
It took 4 hours for surgeons to remove Randy's head from his ass.
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︎ Feb 21 2022
Proud dad moment! From my 6 YO while playing a dinosaur game:
6yo: daddy, what dinosaur has the best manors?
Me: I don't know, maybe a brachiosaurus?
6yo: The plesiosaur!
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︎ Mar 12 2022
The moment Rick Astley drives by while you're out for a walk on the street...
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︎ Feb 05 2022
A chemist walks into a bar and finds one of his friends in his usual spot. The chemist asks his friend to move to a different seat. His friend, says, βI suppose youβve displaced me.β The chemist smiles and is about to say something but stops for a moment then says,
βI was going to make a chemistry joke but I was afraid you wouldnβt react.β
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︎ Nov 20 2021
At any moment the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away.
~A whim away
A whim away
A whim away
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︎ Dec 16 2021
An older man was lounging on the sofa one evening with his glasses off. His wife joined him, and began slowly running her fingers through his hair. After a few moments she said, βYou know, honey, without your glasses on, you still look just like the young, handsome man I married 50 years agoββ¦
The husband replied, βThanks honeyβ¦ Without my glasses on, so do you.β
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︎ Nov 20 2021
Had a dad-joke moment.
I was on my way out of my loc supermarket, and as I walked to my car, I noticed another gentleman a few feet to my right walking at the same pace and direction as me.
This continued as we both walked up the lane and crossed over at the same time, essentially walking with each other for about 150 ft, including an abrupt change in direction.
So I say loudly, βAre we walking to the same car?β
He chuckled a bit, but I was laughing and beaming the whole way home. Iβm not even a dad.
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︎ Dec 11 2021
Live reporting! Proud Dad Moment Just Now. Daughter to me while vigorously moving a bottle of Dasani, "I'm making holy water!". Me: "How?"
Daughter: "I'm shaking the hell out of it"
Side note. The me, "how?" reminded me of how, mostly in Northern British English (where the aitches are frequently dropped) , you can do the joke about speaking like a cat.
Side side note. This then reminded me about the audio joke about a cat on a motorcycle.
Side side side note. This, for some totally unknown reason, then got me thinking about two nuns on bikes riding down a cobbled street.
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︎ Nov 03 2021
Every time I drive past a crane with my eight-year-old at the moment
Hey, look, it's superman!
What? Where?
It's a bird! It's a crane! No, it's superm... Oh no, it is just a crane.
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︎ Nov 20 2021
I had a dadβs moment yesterday during the zoom call with my two bosses who questioned me for poor progress of the project Iβm working on.
- I hope you understand the amount of trouble youβre in?
- I do Jeff, and please donβt call me urine.
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︎ Nov 29 2021
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my sonβs train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
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︎ Mar 28 2021
So I was over at a buddy's house the other day and stepped outside for a moment. While I was out there I pissed off his deck...
I called it a porch and it was none too pleased.
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︎ Sep 20 2021
been a moment since i used the tea-rex meme template
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︎ Jan 05 2021
A pirate walks into a bar and it was at that moment that he realized that his patch was on the wrong eye.
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︎ Dec 09 2019
A proud moment
My third grade son handed me a worksheet today, two days after Father's Day. He says he filled it out last week but just remembered. The whole thing is wonderful and an identity thief's dream!
Here's what I think you allllllll would want your children to think about you if asked a certain question. So proud.
http://imgur.com/gallery/PeB6OOS
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︎ Jun 23 2021
Lettuce take a moment to appreciate ...
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︎ May 06 2021
We had a bit of an awkward moment at home a while back...
My wife and I were doing a bit of roleplay in the bedroom. I had just handcuffed her to the bedhead when we heard one of the kids turning the door handle. I quickly threw the covers over the both of us and in walked my 7 year old son. He noticed the handcuffs, went really quiet and had this confused look on his face. After 15 seconds or so he asked my wife why she was handcuffed to the bed. She blushed and had to come up with a lie on the spot. She stammered out that daddy was just practicing with the handcuffs for his new job as a policeman and that my son should just go back into the lounge room and watch some TV.
A few weeks later I was asked to careers day at my son's school. My son stood up with me in front of the class and proudly announced his daddy was a policeman and that I lock up baddies. I didn't want to embarass him so I just played along. It turns out I was the one who was about to be embarassed. One of the kids asked if my son had ever seen me at work. My son said no but that he had seen me practicing using handcuffs on his mom. It went right over the kids heads but the teacher was very amused and couldn't stop giggling. I guess my wife and I would have been the hot topic in the staff room that day.
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︎ May 24 2021
If a muffin goes wrong in the worst possible moment...
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︎ Apr 09 2021
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
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︎ Jan 26 2021
Just a moment ago, my hands began to convulse, my fingernails turned into sharp talons, my palms became thick, hairy, and tough. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and the feeling went away
I just had two paws for a moment
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︎ Apr 24 2021
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100Β° temperature...
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︎ Oct 31 2018
What do you call a dentists defining moment?
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︎ Mar 19 2021
Studying Chemistry at the moment, I just learned that Sulphuric acid should never be left in a metal beaker..
..It's an oxidant waiting to happen.
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︎ Aug 19 2020
A priest in the woods has been attacked by a pack of wolves. In a moment of desperation, the priest started to ask God how to get out of this situation.
The wolves may be predators but he pray
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︎ Mar 02 2021
A moment like this just once please.
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︎ Sep 20 2020
My wife spilled tea on herself, and without a moments hesitation, turned to me and said...
βIβve teaβd myself!β
Proud hubby here!
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︎ Oct 25 2020
Please take a moment
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︎ Jul 16 2020
My boss shared this in my work chat today, it took me a moment...
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︎ Jun 11 2020
I was walking in the Himalayan mountains when a hairy creature came into view. I was about to snap a picture but it said, "do not take a picture of me at this moment."
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︎ Jan 23 2020
You know that moment when you let a fart out but accidentally released a log?
Yeah my dad calls that from bubble to trouble.
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︎ May 22 2020
My server slammed a glass of water down, tossed a spoon with a knife on the table and stomped off back to the kitchen. I pondered about their attitude for a moment and then it hit me...
They just didn't give a fork...
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︎ Sep 05 2020
A man sits down at a bar. After a moment, he hears a voice behind him say "Hey, that shirt looks great on you!" He turns around, and nobody is there. Confused, he asks the bartender, "Where did that voice come from?" The bartender says...
"Oh, it's the peanuts.
They're complimentary."
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︎ May 16 2020
Returning home from the barber, had a true old man moment today. My kid: βHey dad, did you just get a hair cut?β
βNo son, I got them ALL cut!β
The cycle is complete. I have become my father.
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︎ Sep 03 2019
The moment I learned that βphα»β is actually pronounced βfuh,β I knew the time was ripe to write a Google review for my all-time favourite phα» restaurant. (I guess this qualifies more as βracy wordplayβ than it does βpunnyβ?)
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︎ Jan 10 2020
The pastor wanted to pause for a moment of prayer this morning.
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︎ Apr 08 2018
Is it just me or did Kleenex miss a huge opportunity to say βSneeze This Momentβ?
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︎ Apr 25 2019
There are many wonderful moments and beautiful sights when raising a child.
But the sight of your daughter stealing the last piece of chicken is truly breast taking.
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︎ Jul 20 2020
Lego Lord of the Rings was a definitive moment for Tolkien fans
Up to that point they had been Legoless
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︎ Jan 17 2020
I think dads automatically gain access to a dadjoke reservoir the moment they become dads...
My aunt recently had a baby, and she was telling us about the experience the other day at a family get-together. How beautiful her little girl is, how amazing the experience was, yadda yadda. Then she told us about my uncle's reaction, which she was less than thrilled about.
When my uncle saw his daughter for the first time after my aunt had just labored for hours, he said:
"Damn, it's 2013, you'd think they'd have started making these things cordless by now."
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︎ Dec 24 2013
My daughter brought her boyfriend over the over day when all of a sudden, a pair of goalie gloves fell out of his bag. It was this moment that I knew.
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︎ Jun 23 2018
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my sonβs train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
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︎ Jan 10 2019
Lettuce take a moment to appreciate this salad pun.
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︎ Dec 14 2020
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