A Man's A Man for A' That Puns

When the court asked if he had anything to say for himself, the man responded: "es toot mir lied".

The clerk replies “It’s a freebie”

The butcher replied "a person who sells vegetables is grocer".

The man's only left with ¢30

Hebrews

So I gave him a coconut.

It was cutting edge technology

It was Heirloumi.

An office sir.

It turns out he was just spinning a yarn

He buys two cases of beer.

And make sure that these four men don't know each other.

Today I could be a free man !

Urine trouble

The man says "that's not a lion, that's a giraffe"

The monk told him but sir, you have no arms, how will you ring the bell?

The man said, " just lead me to the bell and I'll show you."

So they walked up the long stairwell that led to the top of the belfry. Once at the top, the man walked over to the bell to get a good look at it. He then proceeded back up against the furthest wall and leapt into a sprint, face first into the bell.

He plummeted 65 feet below to his death. Tragically, no sound came from the bell.

When the police arrived an hour later, they asked the monk if he knew the man.

The monk simply said, "No. His face doesn't ring a bell either."

But wait, there's more...

The next day another man with no arms showed up at the monastery and told the monk "Yesterday the man who died here was my brother. This was his lifelong dream. If it's ok with you, I'd like to try just once for him."

The monk certainly couldn't refuse and slowly led the man up the long stairwell.

Once at the top the man walked over to the bell. He kissed the spot where his brother's face hit the bell just a day before and walked back to the edge of the furthest wall.

The priest watched in horror as once again a man hurled himself face first towards the bell, but at the last minute the man tucked his chin, stopped at the last moment and slammed his head into the side of the bell.

The bell rang with the loudest clang the countryside had heard in years. In fact, it was so loud the man cried out in agonizing pain, lost his balance and fell to his death below.

Once again the police showed up, and once again asked the monk if he knew the man's name to which the monk replied, "no, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

I'll show myself out.

Good night

My cousin (MtF) has just come out to the family- she told some of us "younger" ones but she was afraid especially of what her dad's reaction would be. He's a man of few words and was never outgoing or very affectionate to his kids, his side of the family is pretty conservative as well. A very as-seen-on-TV-in-the-90s dad with a handlebar moustache and multiple different-but-same polo t-shirts. Her mum passed a few years ago and they are even more distant than ever. It was finally the big day and she told him in front of a couple of us. The silence seemed to stretch on into the infinite. After some time, he got up, and without even a slight change in expression he said- "so I guess you can't see me now".

...

More silence

...

"Because I'm a transparent geddit?" With the most gigantic smile I've EVER seen him crack.

It's been 5 days and he's been cracking the same joke on every opportunity he can, ever since.

Edit- I forgot my favorite part- he asked her if she would like to add her mum's name in her new one because he missed saying it. I BAWLED my eyes out.

Edit2: obligatory I can't believe how much this blew up! We met at a family gathering yesterday and he was still chuckling so i decided to post this. I sent my cousin this post and she says he's very proud of himself. Thanks for all the awards! This is crazy!

I see that there was some confusion about the moustache description - we're a first generation Indian - Hindu family, and it's traditional especially for the older generation I think.

It's a cute moment, but not everyone is as positive. Some neighbors, people at school, a teacher or so (it's just a phase! you'll ruin your life!), and she's been handling calls all day from AH family members who only call for gossip.

The owner thinks for a second and says "Well, that would definitely be a pie from either Jamaica, Dominican Republic, or Barbados, and those are $65 each." Angrily the man replies, "What!?! Those prices are outrageous!" "I know, but it isn't my fault", responds the owner, "blame it on the pie rates of the Caribbean."

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

He's relaxing in a comfy chair, reading the newspaper, until he hears a quiet voice call out to him:

"Nice suit."

The man looks up and around for the source of the comment, but to no avail. There's no one else in the lounge except for an attendant, busily working away on the other side of the room.

Figuring he must've been hearing things, the man resumes reading the newspaper, until a few minutes later when the same voice says to him:

"That's a lovely watch."

Again, the bewildered man searches for the source of the voice, but there is absolutely no one who could have possibly said it to him. Exasperated, he gives up and goes back to reading his paper. But once more, the voice speaks to him:

"Great haircut."

The man whips his head up, gets to his feet and looks around but there is nobody there. Desperate, he calls for the attendant to come over. He asks:

"Excuse me, but could you hear that voice talking before? I can't see anyone else but me and you here."

"No, I'm afraid I haven't heard anything of the sort." replies the attendant, shaking his head.

"It keeps on saying how much it likes my clothes, my watch - even my haircut!" states the man, growing frustrated.

A beam of realisation dawns across the attendant's face. Gesturing towards a bowl of provided nuts resting on the table, the attendant chimes:

"Oh! That must be the peanuts! They're complimentary."

Granted my son is known for corny (akadad) jokes but this one is a gem and I’m so proud I knew I had to share it here.

Two men were stranded in the desert for about a week with no food or water. They were getting pretty desperate.

One of the men saw a tree in the distance. It was simply covered in bacon. So much bacon that there were no leaves to be seen. More bacon than the two of them could eat in a week. They were saved!

After sharing his discovery with his companion; the man began to run towards the tree, the scent of bacon overwhelming his senses.

Right before he reached his goal he was surrounded by many men firing repeatedly at him. He was struck by several bullets from all directions.

Too late he realized it had not been a bacon tree that he had seen, instead it was a ham bush.

For many years he collected all kinds of them. Red snails, green snails, blue snails, snails with conical shells, snails with circular shells, whatever he could find.

There was one type he didn't like however: snails with bumpy shells. The bumps just looked incredibly ugly to him.

As the years went by, he became known in various collector communities for being the Snail-Man. That's how he met his wife.

Unfortunately, while she also loved snails, she loved the ones with bumpy shells.

Despite this, they got along swimmingly. They were happily married for 45 years.

Eventually, his wife was diagnosed with cancer and passed away. A local newspaper decided to interview Snail-Man about his experiences collecting snails with his wife over the years.

"You and your wife were world-renowned snail collectors. You must be taking this loss pretty hard." the interviewer said.

"To be honest" he responded "I'm pretty relaxed about the whole situation."

Surprised the interviewer asked "why"?

"She liked bumpy snails, but now that she's gone it's all smooth snailing from here."

Patrick Paul and Eric stumble across an old lamp in the desert, of course they rub it and a genie appears. He says to them "You have freed me from 2000 years from the lamp, I shall grant all three of you 3 wishes". Patrick goes first and he asks for a million pounds. The genie gives him a million pounds in cash. Paul says " I'd like to be the richest man on the planet" They open his banking app and watch as the balance goes up to trillions of pounds" Eric says "I'd like my right arm to spin clockwise forever" and his right arm starts spinning like a windmill round and round. Patrick goes in for his second wish and says I'd like to be in perfect health for the rest of my life. The genie grants his wish and he instantly becomes more energetic and feels great. Paul says, I'd just like you to fix my bad hip. Instantly Paul's hip is better than ever and the pain he suffered for many years vanishes. Eric says "I'd like my left arm to spin anti clockwise forever" and his right arm starts spinning. Patrick goes for his third and final wish "I'd like a beautiful wife" he says and within an instant she appears and she's his. Paul, inspired by Patrick says, "I'd like the most beautiful women in the world to find me irresistible" the genie grants this wish. Eric says, I'd like my head to nod up and down forever. It starts, and with their wishes over, they all leave. Ten years later they agree to meet up. Paul and Patrick meet up in a bar and then Eric joins them. Paul starts the discussion and says "I'm happily married, I used some of money to make some investments, bought a beautiful house and after a while meeting lots of beautiful women I settled down and married a girl carried Trisha", who he tells them he's madly in love with, Patrick said "I spent some of the money opening a small car washing business, it's making good profits so that's good, I married the beauty, Georgina that the genie gave me and I'm still in great health". Then Eric speaks, and says "I think I messed up".

The man was saddened deeply at the loss. It felt only natural that he bury the animal properly. He went to a nearby church. He found the priest and said, "Sir, can you help me? I would like to give my dog a proper burial."

The priest was bothered by the notion of burying the dog in the cemetery. He replied, " I am sorry for your loss sir, but we can't accept your pet into our burial grounds."

The man's heart sank, but he wasn't about to give up. He asked the priest, "Is their anywhere I can take him?"

The priest thought carefully and said, "You can try one of the protestant churches on the other side of town."

A gleam of hope came over the man's face. "Thank you Father, I will do just that. I do have one final question. Being a man of the cloth do you think a $10,000 donation would be appropriate for whomever will let me bury my pet?

The priest then burst out, " I am so sorry sir you can most certainly bury your pet here! You didn't mention that your dog was Catholic!"

A friend of mine has this great idea for a small business selling collectables, so he goes into a bank and walks up to the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan for a small business venture."

Patty looks in disbelief as she realizes this voice is coming from a dog. But being professional she clears her throat and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The dog says $500,000. And proceeds to fill out the loan paperwork.

Patty, the teller, reviews the paperwork and notices his name and is a little star struck as it reads: Buddy Mick Jagger. Feeling embarrassed, but curious, Patty asks if there is any relation to THE Mick Jagger?

The dog sighs and says, yes, Mick is his father, adopted, but his father nonetheless.

Patty explains that $500,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need something to act to secure such a large loan.

The dog says, "Yes ma'am. I have several sets of these" and shows her a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly shaped. He then produces more and more of these small porcelain animals all hand crafted and painted various colors. While trying to explain these collectables are what he hopes to sell Patty becomes very confused and thinks up a quick excuse:

"Well, for such a large loan and unusual collateral I will have to consult the branch manager."

Ms Whack finds the manager and says "There's a talking dog named Buddy Mick Jagger out here who claims to be a relation to Mick Jagger and wants a loan for $500,000. And as collateral he wants to use this?" She then holds up the small porcelain elephant. "I mean, what even is this? Is it valuable?"

The bank manager stands up, blinks a few times, looks her straight in the eye with a large smile and says: "Oh! That's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the dog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

(My grandpa would tell this joke at family gatherings to all of us grandkids, we would only ever get small parts of it at a time, but the rest of the adults would always groan at the end. Wasn't till many years later I realized this was a pretty common long haul joke! Still a good memory, hopefully it have you a chuckle!)

Screaming that he can't breath through his nose and that there is some kind of blockage.

He waits for a while (because it is in fact an ER) but is finally seen by a doctor. The doctor looks up the man's nose and finds a baby carrot lodged way the heck up there. The doctor looks bewildered.

The man sees the look of concern on the Docs face and asks what the problem is.

The Doctor says to the man "the problem appears sir, that you are not eating properly".

“You’re not my Father!”
You are the man that held me.
“You’re not my Father!”
You are the man who cheered me on.
“You’re not my Father!”
You are the man who lent me money
“You’re not my Father!”
You are the man who loves my mom.
“You’re not my Father!”
You paid for my education.
“You’re not my Father!”
You bought my violin.
“You’re not my Father!”
You hiked me (almost) to the top of the mountain.
“You’re not my Father!”
You are the man who taught me to learn or win.
“You’re not my Father!”
My father never called.
“You’re not my Father!”
My father was never there.
“You’re not my Father!”
You never left my side.
“You’re not my Father!”
You're the man who was willing to dare.
“You’re not my Father!”
was something I never said to you,
because you talked about me with a father’s pride.
So...no, you’re not my father, you're something better...
You're my daddy by my side.

Thanks, Dad.
I love you.
Aaron

A mad scientist made clones of himself, and was having a party with his clones.

Like any good host, he had plenty of alcohol, and one of the clones started drinking far past his limit. Pretty soon, that clone was naked, stumbling around, and tripped toward the open window. The mad scientist tried to stop him, but accidentally knocked him out the window.

Neighbors downstairs saw the naked man falling and quickly called the cops.

The cops arrived and arrested the mad scientist for making an obscene clone fall.

A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The police cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Didn't know where to post this; but since it's Father's Day, I wanted to tell you all about a little family tradition that started because Dad, is Dad.

18 years ago (Not about, trust me, I know this one to the date) I was over Dad's house and I needed a wrench, and coming from a long line of mechanics, I knew he's have one available as I didn't have my kit in my car, so I asked to borrow one.

Dad of course said yes, handed me the mechanic's tool box, and just out of habit, I opened it and immediately noticed that a Craftman's 7/16, ratchet-end wrench was missing.

Again, I come from a LONG line of mechanics; every tool has its place, be it in a drawer, box or outlined on a peg board, and I thought it was weird that Dad lost a wrench out of the spare / house tool kit.

"You're missing a 7/16." I pointed out, showing him the missing slot.

Now Dad, being Dad, just had to bust on me a bit, so looking me dead in the eyes and beaming a huge smile he responded: "It was there when I gave it to you."

Mind you, I hadn't left the kitchen. I hadn't so much as shifted my FEET. I knew he was lying, he knew he was lying, but it had been ingrained in me since childhood that losing a tool is a death sentence.

Now, I knew he was busting my balls and I let it go; but from that day forward, anytime we needed something, he'd make a comment like "Sure wish I had that 7/16th wrench that Coyote lost." or "You know what would fix it? That missing 7/16th wrench."

This went on for MONTHS. So one day, he made the usual "tease me for losing a tool" comment and I warned him. I looked him in the eyes and said:

"Say it ONE more time old man, and you're going to get that wrench every Birthday, Father's Day and Christmas for the rest of your natural life."

Few hours passed, I asked him to hand me a tool and he said: "I can't you lost it, remember?"

I laughed, and played it off -but it was on...and that was 18 years ago.

Today, being Father's day, he just received his 52nd craftsman's ratchet-end, 7/16th wrench.

Since that day, he's tried telling me that he knows that I didn't lose it, (I knew that already) that I don't need to buy it (Oh, I fucking DO.), and he's occasionally tried to say it was a different size or item to get a different present, but we both know that's not happening.

They're everywhere. Every coffee can, junk drawer, cabinet, tool box, peg board or spare nail in the house and garage contains a Craftsman's 7/16 ratchet end wrench. You know how they say you'r

Old family jokes, which means I’m sure variations are out there for both of them that most of you have heard

#1- an elderly woman is watching her normal sitcoms when suddenly the news cuts into her show to show live footage of a madman driving the wrong way on the interstate! Worried sick, she calls her husband, and says “honey, there’s a madman driving the wrong way on the highway! Be careful on your way home!” Her husband responds irritated, “what are you talking about? There’s not only one madman! There are hundreds of them!”

#2- a cop pulls over a man who was speeding. He approaches the car and asks for license and registration. The driver says, “I’m sorry officer, I can’t do that! You see, this car is stolen so the registration isn’t under my name! Also, the gun I used to steal the car is in there and I wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable!”

The cop is obviously a bit flustered, and asks for the man to roll down his back windows to look in the backseat. The man replies, “honestly officer that’s impossible, as I have 10 kilos of cocaine in the footwells and don’t want to expose them to outside!”

At this point the cop is quite worried and has his gun drawn, asking the driver to open the trunk! The driver replies “officer, I’m afraid I can’t do that due to the two bodies I have in my trunk!”

At this, the officer runs back to his car and radios for backup.

After about 10 minutes, the police sergeant drives up and with his gun drawn asks the man for his license and registration. The driver says, “absolutely sergeant, no problem” and hands him a perfectly normal and legal registration and license.

The sergeant then says, “and I hear you have drugs in the back seat!”

“Oh not at all, sergeant!” Says the man, opening the back window. The car is very clean and the footwells empty.

Confused, the sergeant then asks: “what about your trunk? I hear you have two dead bodies in there?”

“Not at all officer”, says the man, “only my groceries!” Popping the trunk, it’s obvious there’s nothing wrong with the driver or the vehicle.

“I don’t understand; my officer told me you told him all of these things. What’s going on?!”

The driver responds “I bet he told you I was speeding, too, didn’t he?”

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn't skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he (Fred) was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing:

"If you ever hear even a rumor that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and head out of town as fast as you can."

Fred was pretty perplexed at this, and sought explanation. He was told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the most dangerous guy they'd ever heard of and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale.

Fred listened carefully and then promptly forgot all about it. Until, one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at full speed, yelling, "Martin's coming! Head for the hills!" The result was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses and took off for the hills. Except Fred. He wanted to see this guy because he didn't believe he could be all that tough. So, Fred just put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter, and waited.

He didn't wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street. As Fred looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride down the center of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off the beast, punched it in the head (dropping the critter to its knees) and bellowed, "Wait here til I get back!"

The fellow turned and walked up the steps. Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly, hollering, "You pussycats stay here til I'm done!" The cats fearfully sat down.

Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp. Poor Fred, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy klooked down over the bar and roared, "What the hell do you think you're looking at!?"

Fred managed to say, "N..n..n..nothing, mister. Do you want another

I once knew a man from Greece. Every day he had breakfast in my father's café. And every day he signed the bill: "σε μένα". Whenever we asked what it meant he just shook his head, laughed, and walked out.

After a few years we became good friends, and he invited me to his birthday meal at a fancy restaurant downtown. He wrote down the address and signed it again, "σε μένα", once again laughing on his way out. When I got there I met his family, including his daughter Helen. When it came time to pay the bill he signed it, as usual, "σε μένα"; as he did Helen looked down at his hands, and she let out a groan. I asked her what the problem was but she just shook her head and walked out. The next day the man told me his daughter had taken quite the fancy to me, and he wrote down her phone number. Once again he signed it, "σε μένα", laughing as he handed it to me.

Helen and I began dating and eventually married. And since he paid for the wedding her father saw to it that his motto was everywhere. It was written on the invitations, balloons, napkins, bunting, you name it. Even the cake had the words inscribed on its side, "σε μένα". I had never seen him so happy as he was on that day.

As a wedding present he left us the family home, and handed us the keys to it with a smile on his face as usual. Sure enough those two words were all over, "σε μένα": fridge magnets, post-it notes, plates, bowls, knives, forks, the front gate, the doormat, the postbox, the bird-bath, even the license plate on his old car. When Helen and I had our first son, he gifted us baby clothes with "σε μένα" written on them, still shaking his head and laughing.

On his deathbed, my father-in-law took my hand and thanked me for all I had done for him and his family. Framed on the wall next to him I saw it written again, "σε μένα".

And one last time I asked him what it meant.

And one last time, the man smiled, shrugged, and with his final breath he laughed and said,

"It's Greek to me."

and immediately crashes it, killing several people.

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he’s offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him.

The next day, he’s led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happens.

There’s never been a failure before. But because you cannot punish a person twice for the same crime, the court is forced to let him go free.

Within a week’s time, naturally, the man, who is obsessed with trains, goes and steals another one.

He doesn’t care that he can’t drive it or that he failed catastrophically before; he is obsessed with trains and his only desire is to operate one. As before, he crashes it, and kills several people.

Again, he stands trial, and again, he is sentenced to death, showing no remorse, only delight that he got to operate the train.

His last meal request is a single banana. When he goes to the chair, the executioner pulls the switch, but nothing happens. He goes free again.

The train-obsessed maniac, once more on the loose, wastes no time in hijacking a train and crashing it.

His trial is speedy, because this has already happened twice, and he is sentenced to death.

They ask him what he’d like for his last meal. “A single banana,” he says.

“Oh, no you don’t, you son of a bitch. We’re on to you, now. We know all about your little banana trick, and you’re not escaping this time!”

The guards refuse his request, and instead serve him a standard last meal of steak, potatoes, and berry cobbler.

The next morning they strap him into the electric chair, pull the switch, and... nothing happens.

“Did you give him the banana?” demands the head guard.

“No, sir! He asked for the banana but we didn’t give it to him, we swear!” says one of the guards.

Turns out the banana had nothing to do with anything. He was just a really bad conductor.

Upon entering, he notices all these different cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling. Befuddled, he asks the hostess what the deal is with all the meat hanging from the ceiling.

She tells him that it’s a wager the owner plays with willing customers. She said, “if you can jump up and touch a piece of meat, then your meal is free. But if you fail, then you have to pay for all the other guests’ meals. Wanna give it a shot?”

The man looks up at the meat, ponders for a minute, then tells the hostess, “No thanks, the steaks are just too high.”

So the man says "Basically."

The bartender, worried, asks him, "What's wrong? Why are you looking so down today?"

The man answers, "My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she would not talk to me for a month."

The bartender, confused, asks, "So, what's wrong with that?"

The man replies, "Tonight is the last day."

The full story:

“While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politics and then they discussed some new guy who was far too big for his shoes as a politician.

The old rancher said, ‘Well, ya know, he is a post turtle’. Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was.

The old rancher said, ‘When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle’.

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain. ‘You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there in the first place.’ “

I play a man that's been married for 25 years..

Dad: Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part