That was the punchline
Without missing a beat he asks "Daddy, do you know how much room you need to grow Fungi like that?"
I did not know.
So he tells me "as Mushroom as possible!"
So proud.
He said, βChange the batteries in your hearing aidβ.
Attire
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Nobody nose.
Secretly (when my wife was out), I'd ask her "who do you love more?", and praise her when she said "dadda!". This has been going on for weeks now.
The other day, my wife got home and I wanted to show her my little 'trick'. So I asked our daughter, "Who do you love more?", in which case she replied "dadda!" and ran towards my wife (which is very clearly her favourite btw).
My wife, who didn't care much for the new thing I taught our daughter, bent down and picked her up to cuddle with her. Her facial expression changed a bit, then she laughed. She looked at me and said "well, she ran to me as she said that, and her diaper is full... so clearly she was full of crap when she said that!"
My wife is now in on the dad jokes and won this one!
Edit: Bolded the text to emphasize what part of this story was the dad joke...
Final Edit: My wife was surprised at how much this blew up! She says thanks to everyone, but she has no idea what the awards are for (since she doesnβt use Reddit). π
Curiosity killed the cat :(
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The direction the first letter faces
Only a fraction of you will understand that
The librarian whispers "They're right behind you."
Bob
Because you canβt βCβ in the dark
Novak Djokovic
(This is my fiancΓ©βs favourite joke he wanted me to share with all of you because he thinks it will make me βReddit famousβ) ππ
It can write other things too.
The cashier said never mind.
Sudden Lee
That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.
Is the bar tender here?
These zoo meetings are really taking off.
One's meaty, the other's a little meteor
He said, βWow, thatβs the worst case of parking sonβs disease Iβve ever seen.β
"Because you're the largest re-tailer in the world!"
The man replies " It's A knicknack, patty whack, give the frog a loan, his old mans a rolling stone (also I meant Mick jagger my autocorrect sucks balls)
The bartender says, βpal, if you want punch, youβll need to get in line.β
The guy looks around and there is no punch line.
Windows
Theyβre both Paris sites
I heard parents named their children lance a lot.
First post please don't kill me
Edit: i went to sleep and now my inbox is dead, thank you kind strangers for the awards!
Ass skin for a friend
After I thanked him, he said to me: "Don't vorry, just dry him off and keep him varm, he vill be fine"
I asked him, "Are you a vet?"
He answered, "Am I vet? I'm soaking"
"Can't turn that down."
It's spam
I met her online.
A bird can still tweet.
Old Neeeeiiiiighvy
Itβs a vicious cycle.
The man asks "is this good for wasps?"
The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"
Well, that was a waste of thyme.
A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a commaβs a pause at the end of a clause.
Nah, just kidding
A buck-an-ear!
I Thank ye kind Matey for the booty! I be truly overwhelmed! Thank you!
Holy cow! Thank you everyone for the upvotes and awards! I wasnβt expecting this!
He should have a good vowel movement. His next diaper change could spell disaster though.
Attire.
Phil
