A t-cup
He starts his relationships with a Bond.
......what a great cast!!
"That would be nice" she said. "Plethora"..... "Thanks, that means a lot."
True dad that man!!
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
And on waking discovered himself to be on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around for a while and sees dark red grass, dark red birds, and dark red fruit in dark red trees. He is shocked when he finds that his skin is also dark red. "Aaargh!" he cries "I've been marooned!"
My dad emailed me that one back in 2009.
The man take a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says,
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!"
The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the man and says,
"But sir, it's fresh ground!"
I asked "Which one are you then?"
Pungent
He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.
Puzzled, the woman watches as the next customer, a young girl, walks up to order her hot dog.
As she takes the container of relish, she bursts into a fit of giggles and walks off with her food, still laughing merrily.
A middle-aged man steps up next. Shoveling sauerkraut onto his hot dog, he laughs uproariously and walks away grinning.
When she reaches the front of the line, the woman asks the hot dog vendor,
“Excuse me, sir, but why does everyone laugh when they get their hot dogs?”
“It’s simple, ma’am.” he says, handing her a piping-hot sausage. “I’m surprised you haven’t discovered for yourself.”
Glancing at the mustard, the woman lets loose a peal of laughter.
“Ya see, ma’am? The real_joke’s always in the condiments!"
Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, mid eighties.
The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
This voluptius Asian came over and I asked for a lap dance.While she was doing her thing,I asked her,"What nationality are you?"
She replied,"I'm half black and half Thai.
I then said,"Oh,I didn't realize this was a Black Tie affair.
Edit: True story.
Nurse: "Your doctor should return in just a few moments with your test results."
looks at dad
"Oh, we also have a new room for religious practices if you wanted to do some prayers?"
Dad: "God, were my test results that bad?"
The doctor asks "why are you dressed like that?"
"If I'm going to be impotent, I want to look impotent."
Ewocs away
“I’m married to an incredible woman 40 years my junior who likes to make love three times a day. She is the best homemaker and conversationalist and she is independently wealthy. We have the greatest life”.
“That sounds wonderful” I said “Why are you crying?”
“I can’t remember where we live!” he wailed.
“That’s the last thing I need!”
There is this black guy who details cars in our parking lot for the surrounding businesses. My boss was coming back from lunch and noticed this gentleman needed help starting his client's car, so my boss got his cables out and gave the man a jump. When he told the office this I said "Thank you for putting an end to the stereotype that white men can't jump." Everyone gave a collective "ugh!"
I told him, “nah I should be able to get them up there today”
Foresees a jolly good fellow.
so yeah I've had a strip tease.
The Build-a-Beard Workshop
It seemed a reasonable question, him being a professional boxer and all.
Female co-worker: "Awww. Poor Santa! He's getting drenched!" Me: "It's okay. Santa likes rain, dear."
Once upon a time, when I was a wee lad, still in Boy Scouts, I went on a camping trip to Montana with my troop. It was going to be a great time, enjoying the cool weather and scenic views of the evergreen forests. However, we did have one issue: Montana is pretty notorious for having lots of bears. We weren't scared though, since our park ranger guide told us that bears can be scared off by making lots of noise, like yelling or hitting sticks on trees. Anyway, me and one of my friends, we'll call him Frank, were out exploring in the woods. We were doing what we were told to scare off the bears, but we were still a little antsy.
After a while, we got hungry, so we decided to sit down and eat our packed lunch. We found a nice log to sit on and rest our feet, and we put down our packs and started to sit. But then, Frank let out the BIGGEST scream I've ever heard! Then, he took off running, fast as a cheetah. I thought, "Uh, oh! Frank must've seen a bear!", so I took off after him. Frank was running so fast, we must have run for miles at breakneck speed. Eventually, he started to tire, and as I got closer, I saw why Frank screamed and started running. He had sat on a bear trap, and it was stuck fast to his rear end! We had a good laugh about it, but the bear trap really did leave its mark.
It's been a long time since that happened, and Frank hasn't run in while, but I like to tell this story because it explains why Frank's only half-fast now.
(If you don't get the joke, say the last sentence out loud)
Girlfriend and I are walking to dinner one night and on she says, "I'm chilly ❄️" and I turn and say, "Nice to meet you chilly, I'm stew." The look on her face... It was great and terrifying all at the same time.
What did the scarf say to the hat?
You go on ahead I'll come around!
Why was the strawberry crying? Her mother was in a jam!
He said a couple more in rapid fire, we were groaning and laughing too hard to remember. He said Oprah told him to.
"Wouldn't you rather ride on a Gooder bus than a Badder Bus?"
Cue groans and eye rolls as he chuckles at his own brilliance.
so yeah I've had a strip tease.
