What do you call a gentleman spy?

A-gent

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beholding69
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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What size bra does a British gentleman buy?

A t-cup

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BumpBandicoot
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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James is a gentleman

He starts his relationships with a Bond.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/just1in8bil
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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I’ve just watched a movie about a gentleman having his broken leg fixed with bandages and a plaster of paris....

......what a great cast!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bunny_2121
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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A widow is mourning at her husband's grave site. A gentleman walks by and says "If you don't mind, I'd like to say a word."

"That would be nice" she said. "Plethora"..... "Thanks, that means a lot."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaFunkJunkie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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I’m a delivery driver that delivers bread products, whilst on my round today a gentleman dropped this on me.....”looks like you have the best job” he says, β€œwhy is that?” I ask, because you must be loaded with dough!!!

True dad that man!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bunny_2121
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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β€œPoor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, β€œSo how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, β€œYou’re the eighth.”

πŸ‘︎ 133
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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Billboard of a LV gentleman’s club during epidemic
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emperor_piglet
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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I got friend zoned but being the gentleman that I am, I still have her a dozen roses for Valentine’s Day
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Da3013
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
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A gentleman is shipwrecked...

And on waking discovered himself to be on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around for a while and sees dark red grass, dark red birds, and dark red fruit in dark red trees. He is shocked when he finds that his skin is also dark red. "Aaargh!" he cries "I've been marooned!"

My dad emailed me that one back in 2009.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Confusing_Musings
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee.

The man take a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says,

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!"

The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the man and says,

"But sir, it's fresh ground!"

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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He is even walking himself out, what a gentleman.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iStalkforWork
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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Today I drove to work and because of the chaotic traffic I ran my car into another man's. As he got out of the car I saw he was a gentleman of the smaller persuasion, a dwarf. He said "I'm not happy."

I asked "Which one are you then?"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
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What to you call a gentleman with bad hygiene that loves to tell puns?

Pungent

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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On a hot summer day, a woman has a hankering for a hot dog. She walks to the nearest hot dog stand and gets in line. Looking up to the front of the queue, she sees an elderly gentleman ordering a bratwurst...

He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.

Puzzled, the woman watches as the next customer, a young girl, walks up to order her hot dog.

As she takes the container of relish, she bursts into a fit of giggles and walks off with her food, still laughing merrily.

A middle-aged man steps up next. Shoveling sauerkraut onto his hot dog, he laughs uproariously and walks away grinning.

When she reaches the front of the line, the woman asks the hot dog vendor,

β€œExcuse me, sir, but why does everyone laugh when they get their hot dogs?”

β€œIt’s simple, ma’am.” he says, handing her a piping-hot sausage. β€œI’m surprised you haven’t discovered for yourself.”

Glancing at the mustard, the woman lets loose a peal of laughter.

β€œYa see, ma’am? The real_joke’s always in the condiments!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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A very elderly gentleman, mid ninety's, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good aftershave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge…

Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, mid eighties.

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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I was at a gentlemans club in Las vegas...

This voluptius Asian came over and I asked for a lap dance.While she was doing her thing,I asked her,"What nationality are you?"

She replied,"I'm half black and half Thai.

I then said,"Oh,I didn't realize this was a Black Tie affair.

Edit: True story.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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Dad is an older muslim gentleman, I remember this from when he was in the hospital a few years ago.

Nurse: "Your doctor should return in just a few moments with your test results."

looks at dad

"Oh, we also have a new room for religious practices if you wanted to do some prayers?"

Dad: "God, were my test results that bad?"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sumito
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2014
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A southern gentleman shows up for his vasectomy wearing a tuxedo

The doctor asks "why are you dressed like that?"

"If I'm going to be impotent, I want to look impotent."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/you_buy_this_shit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
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On Endor, how does a gentleman end a fight?

Ewocs away

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TannedCroissant
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
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I met a rather old gentleman sitting on the sidewalk crying. I asked what was the matter.

β€œI’m married to an incredible woman 40 years my junior who likes to make love three times a day. She is the best homemaker and conversationalist and she is independently wealthy. We have the greatest life”.

β€œThat sounds wonderful” I said β€œWhy are you crying?”

β€œI can’t remember where we live!” he wailed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisCGCToo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
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On my way in to the supermarket, a gentleman peddling coffins asked if I was interested in purchasing one. β€œA coffin?” I said.

β€œThat’s the last thing I need!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PanaceaGold
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
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A very old Mexican gentleman is a senior SeΓ±or.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLastJoe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
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So my boss helped a black gentleman with his car troubles the other day...

There is this black guy who details cars in our parking lot for the surrounding businesses. My boss was coming back from lunch and noticed this gentleman needed help starting his client's car, so my boss got his cables out and gave the man a jump. When he told the office this I said "Thank you for putting an end to the stereotype that white men can't jump." Everyone gave a collective "ugh!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluebugs23
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2015
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A gentleman at the shop looked at all the tires I was taking upstairs and says, β€œTires for days”

I told him, β€œnah I should be able to get them up there today”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ktulu92
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
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What does Nostradamus do when he has a vision of a happy, well-adjusted gentleman living far in the future?

Foresees a jolly good fellow.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VoyagerCSL
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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I've never been to a gentleman's club, but I once read a torn newspaper with only the first 2 Calvin & Hobbes pannels intact,

so yeah I've had a strip tease.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2017
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Another name for a gentleman's barbershop...

The Build-a-Beard Workshop

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZoeInBinary
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2017
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I asked the gentleman at the UPS store what his record was. He gave me a blank stare.

It seemed a reasonable question, him being a professional boxer and all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NiacTD
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2014
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Looking out our office window to watch torrential downpour, see a white haired, bearded gentleman who looked just like Santa getting completely soaked as he runs to catch a bus.

Female co-worker: "Awww. Poor Santa! He's getting drenched!" Me: "It's okay. Santa likes rain, dear."

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2015
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Older gentleman told this joke at a Boy Scout campfire program a while ago. Thought it would fit here.

Once upon a time, when I was a wee lad, still in Boy Scouts, I went on a camping trip to Montana with my troop. It was going to be a great time, enjoying the cool weather and scenic views of the evergreen forests. However, we did have one issue: Montana is pretty notorious for having lots of bears. We weren't scared though, since our park ranger guide told us that bears can be scared off by making lots of noise, like yelling or hitting sticks on trees. Anyway, me and one of my friends, we'll call him Frank, were out exploring in the woods. We were doing what we were told to scare off the bears, but we were still a little antsy.

After a while, we got hungry, so we decided to sit down and eat our packed lunch. We found a nice log to sit on and rest our feet, and we put down our packs and started to sit. But then, Frank let out the BIGGEST scream I've ever heard! Then, he took off running, fast as a cheetah. I thought, "Uh, oh! Frank must've seen a bear!", so I took off after him. Frank was running so fast, we must have run for miles at breakneck speed. Eventually, he started to tire, and as I got closer, I saw why Frank screamed and started running. He had sat on a bear trap, and it was stuck fast to his rear end! We had a good laugh about it, but the bear trap really did leave its mark.

It's been a long time since that happened, and Frank hasn't run in while, but I like to tell this story because it explains why Frank's only half-fast now.

(If you don't get the joke, say the last sentence out loud)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hoofpint
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2016
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Sometimes you have to sacrifice being a gentleman for the juicy dad joke.

Girlfriend and I are walking to dinner one night and on she says, "I'm chilly ❄️" and I turn and say, "Nice to meet you chilly, I'm stew." The look on her face... It was great and terrifying all at the same time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pwoods2122
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2016
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Was at the grocery store when a gentleman hit us with these

What did the scarf say to the hat?
You go on ahead I'll come around!

Why was the strawberry crying? Her mother was in a jam!

He said a couple more in rapid fire, we were groaning and laughing too hard to remember. He said Oprah told him to.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/licktapus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2015
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Waiting to board a bus, when suddenly one older gentleman turns to another and says...

"Wouldn't you rather ride on a Gooder bus than a Badder Bus?"

Cue groans and eye rolls as he chuckles at his own brilliance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NicolasZN
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2014
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A very old Mexican gentleman is a senior SeΓ±or.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLastJoe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
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I've never been to a gentleman's club, but I once read a torn newspaper with only the first 2 Calvin & Hobbes pannels intact,

so yeah I've had a strip tease.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2017
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