A Flat, G Flat and C Puns

The bartenders says sorry we don't allow minors in here

The interviewer waits for the man to sit down before putting the papers in his hand flat on the table between them. "I have here the CV you submitted when you applied for this job. Unfortunately there's a 4 year gap on your CV, can you explain that please?"

The man shuffles uncomfortably in his seat and says "those are the years I went to Yale..."

The interviewer, not expecting this, was taken by surprise and said: "wow that's very impressive! You're hired!"

The man, surprised himself, replies: thanks! I really need this yob!"

Miracle grow and fix a flat

So we got some punch and left. This joke kinda fell flat since their wasn't even a punchline to begin with.

A trucker came into  a Truck Stop Café and placed his order with the waitress. He said "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said.  "'three flat tires' mean three pancakes; 'a pair of headlights' are two eggs sunny side up; and 'a pair of running boards' are 2 slices of crisp bacon!"

"Oh.. OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

The plot was a bit predictable

And a little flat!

Had good Special f(x) though

Did you hear about the Cockatiel that was trying to find a new home for his family? He zipped back and forth everywhere, but couldn't find a good spot anywhere. Then he came across a bear, sleeping flat of his back with his mouth wide open. Not recognizing what it was, he thought the bear's mouth would be the perfect spot for a nest. He gathered his family and they all got to work building a new home for themselves, but then the bear woke up. Realizing what was going on, he politely informed them that he couldn't let them nest in his mouth. He hated to do it, but it was quite the bird den to bear.

Fathers day dinner tonight for my dad and my sister and family can't be there because of travel restrictions. I've organised life size cardboard cut outs of them and had my sister record a few dad jokes/puns. But I need help coming up with more ... the best, worst and cringiest are all welcome!

So far I have..
"I'm feeling a little flat"

"I'm board ... cardboard"

"You'd think my ears are painted on, You'll have to speak up"

"Can you believe someone told me I had the personality of cardboard"

It was a treadful, deflating experience which left me feeling flat and tired.

I thought it was really sharp, but I told my friends, and it just fell flat.

Because his flat is too small, and so there's no space for it.

He'd driven over something sharp and got his tire flat

My infant has a pretty flat head, when I took him to the doctor's office to get a referral for a helmet to shape his head, they asked what his name was.

I told them, "Well, his name is ___, but we like to call him Phillips to encourage him."

I got some truly authentic guffaws, and my dadjoke confidence rose a bit. I feel like I may be getting the hang of this.

I told him she was decorating for Halloween, and they both just gave me a flat look. Then with a grin on my face I simply said bamBOO!! Much to my wife’s dismay my 6 year old has been repeating it for the last 20 minutes.

(True Dad Joke Story)

My friend and I were coming back from golfing on what felt like the hottest day of the year when he got a flat tire on the freeway. We get out, sweat our butts off, and change the tire. I wasn’t sure how far we could go on the spare and I called my dad to see what he thought...

ME: “How far can we get on a donut?”

DAD: “Hmmm I’d probably say till lunch time!”

Needless to say I was not amused at the time - my dad thought he was a genius.

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.

He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

I turned to my wife and said, “that scarf must be a key piece of her wardrobe.”

Queue eye roll

“Sorry, that fell flat. I’m a bit tired today and off the beat, but don’t worry. I’ll make a comebach.”

and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

lecture about US political culture

Prof: You guys like magic

Class: Yeah!

Prof: Okay I need a volunteer

I raised my hand so he picked me

Prof: Okay pull out a dollar bill and point out the wings of the bald eagle

I do

Prof: Okay I want you to fold the bill 3 times long ways then hand it to me

i fold it then hand it to him

Prof: You can still see the wings right? okay I am now going to fold it sideways into 3rds then I want you to hold out 3 fingers with your palm up

he places the folded bill onto my fingers with the center third flat on my hand

Prof: now say wing 3 times

Me: Wing wing wing

prof picks up the bill and holds it up to his ear

Prof: Hello?? This is Professor Frank, who is this?

The whole class couldn't stop laughing for like 10 minutes xD

This just happened about an hour ago.

I was holding my infant son, and my wife asked me to hand her the Aquaphor. I said it is a shame we don't have a Dickphor. She just stared at me.

"I don't know what you are saying," she said flatly.

"A dickphor. You know, a dickphor."

"... no idea."

"Oh you know, a dickphor." At this point I'm laughing.

"Wha... I get that you are saying 'dick' instead of 'qua', but I don't understand what that means." She was laughing too by now.

"A dickphor! You've heard of a dickphor! A dickphor!" I figured if I said it enough, she would eventually give me the reply I now needed more than anything.

"... what is a dickph-" she realized in that moment that she had given me exactly what I was after. I could see in her face that she wanted to go back, to un-ask the question. But it was too late. I couldn't hold back long enough for her to even finish the sentence.

"PEEING!" I squealed triumphantly. Not since the Parthian capharacts defeated the calvary of Crassus at Carrhae has a victory tasted so sweet.

We both laughed long enough for our 8 month old son to realize that he was doomed to a life of dadjokes.

I took it to the mechanic, he said the harmonic balancer was the problem. I said is it sharp or is it flat? Either way, give me a tune up and I’ll be on my way.

We had those Tostitos Scoops chips and I found a chip that was flat, so it apparently hadn't gone through the machine that makes it into the bowl shape. Showed my dad and he said "I guess we'll have to talk to the Scoopervisor."

I'm making a very silly game based on conspiracy theories. Chemtrails, flat-Earthers, aliens that kind of thing.

I need a ton of jokes and puns. Plz help.

My wife was telling our group a story of how she and her flat-mates got screwed by their landlords (property managers, not the property owners) in England. Right before they were due to refund everyone's security deposits, they took all the money, closed the business, and buggered off to Egypt. I asked her if they set up a multilevel marketing campaign.

You know... a Pyramid Scheme?

I cut my finger open and didn't notice it.

Dad: "Hey, you cut your finger pretty bad there."

Me: "I did? Didn't notice. I lost feeling in that one a few years ago when I cut it open at the base."

Dad: "I lost sensation in my thumb after I did the same thing, so I know the feeling... Or do I?"

Driving to the store.

Me: "The tires feel kind of flat. Should probably stop at a gas station and increase the pressure."

Dad: "We have to be careful, though. Too much pressure and they'll get nervous."

Going to the Cheesecake Factory.

Me: "We have to take the bridge, right?"

Dad: "Yeah, but we're gonna have to give it back afterwards."

Goddammit, dad.

I was telling my mom how I fell on the ice outside my door and landed flat on my butt. She replied with "oh no, does it have a Crack in it?"

Soprano and Alto: Stop causing treble for other singers.

Bass singers: Stop bringing us down.

And remember our Grand Staff meeting next weekend... assuming we compose ourselves properly and no one gets a flat from something sharp on the way there.

A little context first: What's known as an "apartment" in the US is generally referred to as a "flat" in the UK. My dad lives in a flat and has a cat. Without a doubt any time anyone talks to my dad this exchange happens:

Person: Do you like locally?
Dad: I live in the flats near the river. Just me and my cat.
Person: Oh, you have cat?
Dad: Yes. She's called Pancake.
Person: That's nice, but why did you name her Pancake?
Dad: Because she's not a house cat... she's a flat cat.

Despite the fact that he's proudly said this joke dozens, if not hundreds, of times, he still cracks up as he says it like it's the funniest joke ever invented.

I got a flat on the way to work yesterday and texted my dad "Blew a tire today. Was fun"

His response: "I didn't know you were dating a tire"

http://imgur.com/EIA9g8e

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

Yesterday I had a flat tire and today my dad asked how the tire was. With out missing a beat I say, "It seems a little tired, but alright." We both had a good laugh

A bit of context - our neighbour who lives a floor below us complained yesterday that there was a leak in our flat that was damaging his ceiling and walls; my dad has been frantically searching for it in our bathroom all day

I was browsing reddit when I hear my dad shout: "I've found it! casvanr! I've found the leak"

He then strolls into my room with a smug grin on his face, holding the vegetable

I threw a book at him

Setup:

  I didn't have enough speed to get past a flat area that we reached, and we were on our last run of the day. I had to unbuckle one of my boots and pushed myself to the slope. My dad was worried that we were running late and they would send ski patrol to guide us down. (We got on the lift last minute)

  The joke:

  dad: "what are you doing?"

  me: "I was getting close to the wooded area (there was a fork) and I didn't want to run into a tree"

  dad: "well hurry up and let's skedaddle ski-daddle"

  I didn't get the joke until I was going back downhill, so he didn't hear how hard I groaned.

Dad just cracked this one out (for the millionth time) so I thought I would share the wealth!

Walking past a car I point out it has a flat tyre. Dad just turns and says "It's alright, it's only flat at the bottom."

So my dads best mate and I went to a cafe for lunch and it goes something like this;

Me: Hey! Could I please have a flat white and two sausage rolls, cheers

Dads Mate: Yeah, I'll have the same actually

Waitress: No worries, and are you two together?

Dads Mate: Nah we're just eating lunch

So my best friend put up a picture on facebook of a flat tire he just got, and well my dad just could not resist the opportunity

me: "it's a long drive... might be a good idea to check your tires and get an oil change"

him: "check....my tires?"

me: "check that your tires aren't bald or almost bald.. you don't want to get stuck in the desert with a flat tire"

him: "uhm, my tires never had hair"

So I was making a pot of loose leaf tea, and I see a dry clean-looking spoon on the counter by the tea, so I ask my wife "Is this a tea spoon?"

Then she (rudely, I might add) glared at me and said "yes." in a flat monotone.

I looked at her, confused and offended, so she said "It's a teaspoon."

I wish I could say I got it then, but she had to clarify further: "No, it's an actual teaspoon, and yes you can use it for the tea."

...

Anyway, how does it work at this point? Should I be the one to tell our daughter that her mom is her new dad now, or does that need to come from my wife?

My girlfriend and I had just purchased a wardrobe from ikea in flat pack. As we were moving the wardrobe to our flat out from the my mum was walking to her car.

Mum- "Oh, that looks interesting. What are you doing"?

Me- "oh, we are going to Narnia"

Mum- ".... ok?"

Gf- "..... why didnt you tell her"?

Me- " because its Narnia business"

The bartender shows them the door and says, “sorry we don’t serve minors.”