The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
If a father in Iraq gifts his daughter a new bag, what will she say?
My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.
Me: “How do you know it was going to school?”
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did
Daughter: "Quarantine."
Me: . . .
Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."
I got dad joked by my 3 year old daughter at dinner today: "Hey do you have a bun?" I asked her.
"NO I WANT A WHOLE BUN"
She's well on her way to being the dad I never had
I just had a text conversation with my daughter...
She was sitting in the car at the mall while her mother shopped. I was sitting inside the mall but outside the shop waiting and wishing I was dead.
Daughter: How much longer, I have to pee.
Me: I have no idea. You'd better come inside, if you don't, urine trouble.
Daughter: You're an idiot.
A German Family consisting of a Mom, Dad, 8-year-old son, and 6-year-old daughter walk into a bar.
The Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here."
Daughter walked into a tree branch today
She said, "leaf me alone."
The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:
“Well, I guess now you really are… independent"
My daughter can't decide if she wants to be a neurologist or a proctologist.
I told her to flip a coin... heads or tails.
My vegan daughter just came out as a lesbian...
I called it being Vagitarian.
My daughter ate a dvd this morning...
Was later released as a poo-ray
My daughter's birth wasn't a delivery...
My daughter invented a writing instrument that never runs out of ink, never smudges and cures any other difficulties associated with writing...
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I bought a musical instrument for my daughter, which cost me $1000.
My daughter had a horrible peak-a-boo accident
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
I went out with a fisherman's daughter.
She was a real catch, her name was Annete
My daughter really changed a lot after becoming a vegan.
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
My five year old daughter, wearing a Sleeping Beauty dress, casually playing with Legos: "ROAR ROAR ROARRRR!"
Me: "Are you roaring at me or is that a Lego monster?"
Her: "Its me."
Me: "Why are you roaring at me?"
Her: "Because I'm Aurora!"
My five year old daughter, everyone. She came up with that on her own. I've never felt more proud!
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
I quizzed my daughter, "If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?" Reluctantly, she admitted, "I have no idea. What?" I chuckled...
"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"
My daughter thinks it’s weird that I eat a bowl of corn flakes every single day for breakfast
But I don’t see what’s wrong with being a cereal monogamist.
What a sexist society we live in, today is National Daughter's Day and it's celebrated once a year.....
But we celebrate Son day every week!
My 11yo daughter just made up a joke. What do politicians thing of themselves?
That they're politicool...
Im biased but i think its genius
My daughter's teacher gave her a project to write the English alphabet on slips of paper. Unfortunately 25 letter slips got wrinkled on her way to school.
But atleast she has a smoothie
A friend of mine didn't pay for his daughter's exorcism
My daughter was telling me on the how she was currently running through a campsite.
I piped in, saying "Technically, honey, it is ran because it is past tents."
I bought my Daughter a locket with her picture inside, for her 18th birthday..
.. just so glad She's now finally Independent.
I was reading a novel earlier when my daughter came up to me and asked why the book was so thick.
My daughter asked if she could cut the hair off of one of her barbies to make a boy barbie.
I said "You Ken if you want to."
My daughter just dropped a dad joke that made me super proud.
We're celebrating my daughter's 4th birthday party today. She puts her giant number 4 balloon on her head, turns to me and says "Look daddy, it's a four-head!"
A dad meets his friend on the street. “Have you met my daughter Beth?” “No, what’s Beth short for?”
“I don’t know, most three year olds aren’t that tall.”
Just saw a video of a guy sending his daughter into the store to buy winter air for their car tires.
Any other good jokes like that to play on my family?
My young daughter begged me to play as a horse. I begrudgingly agreed...
I didn't really want to be a neigh sayer.
My daughter tells me that she wants to live in a nice house with her friends when they all have stable jobs.
I said, “Well sweetie, that’s nice, but I just can’t see you and your friends shoveling manure for a living.”
To which she replied, “Oh no? I thought you said that I could be president if I wanted to!”
How do you get a date with a farmer's daughter?
So my wife and I were singing the song “The farmer in the dell” to our daughter. My wife looks at me and asks “What’s a dell?”
To which I responded: a British pop singer
Then came the eye roll
My daughter did a degree in maths but didn't even tell me
Must have been discreet maths
My daughter called me in a panic and asked, "Dad! My car just broke down! What should I do!?" I replied calmly...
"Whisper it some words of encouragement!"
I was eating Blueberry Wheats cereal when I asked my daughter "What is a ghost's favourite cereal?"
She rolled her eyes and said "Booberry Wheats, obviously"
I said "No, it's..." and then in a super spooky ghost voice "... WeeeeEEEEeeeetabix"
She laughed so hard she choked on her food.
Daughter asked, “Why am I named Rose?” Its because a rose landed on you shortly after you were born. My other daughter asked, “ Why am I named Daisy?” It is because a daisy landed on your head after you were born.
My son asked, “ Why is my name Richard?”
I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.
She asked how warm is it inside. I said Lukewarm.
I bought my daughter a locket and put her picture in it.
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