Everyone was so excited at the Autopsy club.....
It was open Mike night.
Me: So... like a Robert?
It’s a cut above the rest.
Surrounded by his son, his twin daughters and a haggard-looking nurse who looked about ready to end it all if only she could find the bloody switch, he was finally breathing his last.
His son, who loved him dearly and wasn't at all sure if he had been cut out of the will or not, burst into tears at the plight of a man who would look more at home in a red woolly outfit than he ever could in drab, white linen.
"I do not wish to die today, Anthony", he intoned fixing his gaze slightly above his son's left shoulder, "there is something you must do to save me."
"Tell me what to do dad, I can't bear to look at you this way", cried Anthony.
"There is a land, not far from here, where no one ever dies. It is not for dying you see. That is where I must go."
"Where is this place father? Tell me, and I shall take you to it."
"Take me there now", he said faintly as if in great pain, "Take me to, The Living Room."
Me: How did the butcher introduce his wife? Me: Meet Pattie! Dad: Meat my wife Dad: She's a cut above the rest
Here's a link to the text convo:
http://imgur.com/GU30U1Q
My wife was telling her mom about a story she read online about a crazy boyfriend who cut his girlfriends young sons head off. Her mom freaks out and goes omg where? Dad responds right above the shoulders where else
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
- Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
- It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
- What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
- Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
- Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
- Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
- If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
- Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
- Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
- American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
- The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
- Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
- Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
- Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
- Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
- Rittal me this, Batman!
- Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
- Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
- If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
- When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
- You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
- Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
- Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
- Don't think Seton is
A kid had fallen right in front of me and broke his arm above the wrist. I went over to help and comfort him. The paramedic came and she cut his glove off, put a splint on as well as a sling. That's when I said "she likes you, so she put a sling on it" the paramedic and I laughed, the kid didn't
Chinese dude here.
Every time we have dinner with extended family, we'll have a whole steamed fish as one of the courses.
My dad will usually be the person to cut up and distribute the fish among the family.
Every time he does that, he'll use the spoon and fork to make the fish mouth "thunder, thunder, THUNDERCATS! HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" before cutting up the fish followed by this shit-eating grin around the table. No one above the age of 14 laughs.
The younger cousins find this funny and that's probably why my dad keeps doing it every freaking time.
Just my dad's thing.
Scene: trimming my mustache Wife: why are you cutting it Me: I like it a hair above my lip
It’s a cut above the rest.
