What’s the difference between black eye peas and chick peas?

Black eye peas can sing us a song; chick peas can only hummus one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elsieruth
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2021
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If Gwen Stefani was Muslim…

Would her hit song have been called β€œAllahback Girl”?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pookells
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2021
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As promised, I put dad jokes in my vows today

I posted maybe a month ago and wanted to give you all an update on how the wedding went!

My absolutely stunning bride walked down the isle to "The Throne Room" song from A New Hope where Princess Leia gives the medals to Han and Luke.

My vows were:

"You are the love of my life. Ever since you walked into my life about 2.5 years ago, you have made literally every part of my life better and more beautiful, you have filled my life with a lot of laughter and love. You have this amazing indefinable quality to you that makes you so amazing and the perfect woman for me. I love you with all of my heart.

Even when we are apart for only a few hours, we tell each other how much we miss each other. Well today, I misses you.

I vow that I will always be there for you, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, but let’s make it richer, we are the Richardsons

I vow that I will do my best to keep you laughing, smiling and happy for the rest of our lives.

I vow that I will never give you up, I will never let you down, I will never run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

I vow I will love you with all of the love, for all of my days."

It was a beautiful evening, with lots of laughs, plenty of serious heartfelt moments and lots of happiness! My wife and I could not be happier and it was perfect! I hope you all had a good day, I sure did!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamerExecChef
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2021
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Why was six afraid of seven? (there is no punchline)

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2021
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Need help thinking of a pun for a religious pigeon character :(

My friend has this dungeons and dragons character called Pijjin who is a religious pigeon (religion unspecified), and is composing a theme song for him. Trouble is, we need a name for this song, and we were hoping for it to be a pun linking any bird to any religious word or phrase.

Kinda bad example: 'Crow' + 'Communion' = 'Crowmunion"

Any religion-related word/phrase/concept is great, they can be from any real religion as long as it's kind of clear what it is :)

Thank you!!

Edit: Thanks so much guys, I'll definitely go with one of these, you've all been a big help :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rouwsnop
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2021
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When is a Dad joke a grand Dad joke?

When it is so old that only a grand-dad understands the social references, such as songs or other cultural phenomena.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Turbo-R
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2021
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Took the long way around, but worked in a classic rock approach

Few people realize the reflective quality in cat eyes increases proportionately with the size of the cat. Because of this, cats in the Savanna are hunted for their eyes to use in various crafts and remedies. When game wardens are searching for poachers, they do it at night, following the glow of the removed organs. The Eagles even referenced it in a song, hence the line "you can't hide your lion eyes".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/confibulator
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2021
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Introducing Old Music to Young Kids

My husband and I were playing classic rock on YouTube one day, trying to introduce our boys to music we loved growing up. A song by The Doors comes on and my husband says "I love The Doors!" To which our 11yo replies, "Yeah, especially the sliding glass ones."

We almost didn't catch it. He brings it up about once a month now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lady_Teio
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2021
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All the dad jokes that have made me laugh/breath out my nose since I had my firstborn at the start of 2021

Some of these are border-line uncle jokes. I'm also an uncle. I keep all these jokes in my dadabase. Aka Google notes.

Some of these I got off of podcasts, the dad joke API, some from movies, but most are from this sub. Let me know if you want a source for a joke or if one of them was yours I'll give credit.

It's ok to be Frank with people. Or josh with them. But try not to Rob or Sue them.

What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck

If the USA is so great then why did they make USB?

Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa. Which is strange.
You think he'd be from mad-at-gas-car

How did Jesus keep his abs? Crossfit

What does a Jewish cowboy celebrate Yee-Hanukka

What did the stamp say to the letter Stick with me and you'll go places

I gave my wife a glue stick instead of lipstick She's still not talking to me

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

What word starts with E and ends with E, but only has one letter in it. Envelope βœ‰

Why do people on Athens hate getting up early Because dawn is tough on Grease

What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain A purramid

Why do fish like salt water? Pepper makes them sneeze

If april showers bring may flowers What do may flowers bring? PILGRIMS

Why do cemeteries have fences Because people are dying to get in

Did you know Bruce Lee had a Faster older brother? Sudden lee

Did you know he also had a Vegan brother? Broco lee

Pig black belt in karate Pork chop

How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes in 3 cups of coffee If you have 20 sugar cubes? You have to use all the cubes.

You put 1 in the first cup, one in the second cup, and 18 in the last cup. Because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put on a cup of coffee.

I was going to tell your a joke about Yoga But it's Not working out

What do you do if your wife starts smoking Use some lubricant

did you hear about the woman with 12 breasts? Sounds weird, dozen tit?

What did baby corn say to momma corn ( I got a boy scout selling popcorn to eyeroll me on this one) Where's popcorn

What type of pasta do they serve at a haunted house? Fettuccine Afradio

What do you call a werewolf streamer? Liken subscribe

Why don't Elton John songs have a copyright? You can tell everybody this is your song.

My mom swears up and down cows arent real I was in udder disbelief

Skeleton goes into a bar, he orders a beer and a mop

Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet Because th

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/krowvin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2021
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How many country music stars does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

3, one to screw in the lightbulb, and two to write a song about it!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jericholic71
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2021
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Bert and Ernie were daytime radio hosts for Twenty years.

Bert and Ernie worked together as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years. They'd traded jokes, played pop music and generally made peoples lives a touch brighter as they trundled to their workplace.

Now though, there was a silence on the air. Ernie silently reread the fax from civil defense. As licensed broadcasters, they were legally obligated to alert the public, to tell them that several nuclear missile launches had occured, and that in a few minutes all the world's troubles would be over. But what was the point in that? To torture people with the knowledge of something they couldn't change?

Ernie looked up at Bert. Their eyes met and a decision was reached. Bert put on their most requested song, a sugary top 40 tune, while Ernie produced a bottle of bourbon from under the desk. As their producer banged on the locked studio coor, the colleagues toasted the end of a long career.

Bert. always the consummate professional, turned away as the first explosion split the horizon. He straightened his tie, tucked in his shirt and brushed his hair back. He would meat his fiery death with dignity.

He turned to Ernie and said in a quiet, resigned voice, "How do I look, Ernie?"

Ernie walked slowly over to his friend. He hugged his companion, released him and studied Bert's face. He saw the closeness they shared, all the long years tying them together, and the strength of their relationship. He took a deep breath, with tears streaming down his cheeks. He spoke in a quiet, broken tone:

"With your eyes, Bert."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSoupSlapper
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2021
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The decline of music in the 70s...

1969 Fleetwood Mac - Albatross

1977 ABBA - Eagle

>!1981 The Birdie Song!<

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cyan-180
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2021
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During breakfast my 5yo son said "Did you know there are three states of matter? Solid, Liquid, and Gas."

And I said "Did you know there are four states of Adams?"

"Creepy, Cookie, Ookie, and Spooky."

And then I sung the Adams Family theme song

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ashtronica2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2021
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Testing out a new joke

What song did the broom choose for karaoke?

Sweep Caroline

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FuzzyRumpton
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2021
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A short tale of dinner at my house

We picked up some Mediterranean food for dinner on the way home last night. A few bites into our meal, in my best Bette Midler voice, I busted into song, "Did you ever know that you're my gyro?" I hope you guys enjoy that more than my wife did.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pole420
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2021
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If a swan sings a swan song, what does a cygnet sing?

A signature song.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimpykidfan37
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2021
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Have you ever heard of Pyro by Kings of Leon?

That song was fire

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrPear31
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2021
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we were eating dinner listening to the radio and Lynyrd Skynyrd started playing

My eldest son asked his brother "do you know what song is playing? Come on, it's simple, man."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jatti_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2021
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A Music Producer asks a musical director....

Producer: "I'm working on a new song and I would like it to feature a singing Ensemble! Do you know where I can find a singing ensemble?"

Director: "Don't you mean a choir?"

Producer: "Okay. Do you know I can acquire a singing ensemble?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2021
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Elvis

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's the special tonight?" he asks the bartender. "The chicken strip basket. It's a little known fact that Elvis Presley was a huge fan of chicken strips. He even wrote a song about them," the bartender says. "Love me Tender......"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2021
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Why do alcoholics sing gospel songs and quote Bible scripture when they are drunk?

Because they are filled with spirit!

Credit: https://www.reddit.com/r/Christianity/comments/pe5mo6/why_do_alcoholics_sing_gospel_songs_and_quote/hav070l?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PineTreePetey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2021
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Professor asked the class what Astronomy was on the first day of class...

Apparently a song by Blue Oyster Cult was not the correct answer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AtomicApex_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2021
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There was a knight whose job it was to guard other knights while they sleep

But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair. No great threats to defend against. So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard. Learning languages, math, philosophy. The smarter he gets the more he realizes that he will likely leave the world and be forgotten. In his depression he turns to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style. Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs. He learns that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and sets his nights to finding the rhythm that will be universally loved. Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian's Rhythm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirDianthus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
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A man and his wife attend the wedding of a mutual friend.

The ceremony is beautiful. The man and his wife are both struck with nostalgia and joy as they sit and remember their own wedding day. They hold hands throughout the ceremony, moved nearly to tears. Then, at the end of the ceremony, the new couple even walk out to the same song the husband and wife did at their wedding.

At the reception things get even better. The new bride comes up to both the man and his wife, thanks them for coming, and tells them that their relationship is what inspired her to be brave enough to get married.

Finally, all the struggles of real life melt away when, later in the evening, the newlyweds dedicate a song to the man and his wife. Invited onto the dance floor, they are shocked to hear the song they first danced to at their own wedding. After 4 minutes of perfect happiness, the wife asks her hubby to get her a drink and goes back to their table.

Not 20 seconds later, here comes her husband with two full glasses and a smile on his face. "That was fast, my Love," she tells him. The man looks lovingly at his wife and says, "just when we thought this night couldn't get any more perfect...

There is no punchline!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Money_fingers
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2021
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Winnie the Poop (not a traditional dad joke)

This is not a traditional /r/dadjokes with a delivery and a punchline.

I just wanted all dad's, with kids around 2-6, to know that changing the name of Winnie the Pooh to Winnie the Poop will generate maniacal laughter from your kids. Especially if you combine it with singing the theme song from the movie.

As an added bonus, there is no statute of limitations on when you add the extra P. You can say: Winnie the Poop Winnie the Pooh...P Or Winnie the Pooh...... ...... .... P And your kids will laugh just as hard.

I've gone a full minute without saying the last P, while my kids hang on my every facial movement.

Enjoy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elChardo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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Parents of reddit: you can't just waltz into your kid's room whenever you want!

At least make sure the song they're listening to is in triple time first.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2021
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I'm about to start a band called Alzheimerz.

We're only going to play forgotten songs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/karl_oskar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2021
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Foo fighters

My dad when a foo fighters song comes on the radio:

β€œHave you ever heard of that band called the Flu Fighters?! They’re sick!”

Good one dad, good one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sammylexy
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
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I sang karaoke the other day.

I started with Danger Zone, followed by I'm All Right, Return to Pooh Corner, and Conviction of the Heart. Finally after finishing Danny's Song, they kicked me off the stage for too many failed Loggins attempts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gogo726
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
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Dad joke question: has any rap song ever ended with β€œthat’s a wrap!” Or β€œtime to wrap it up”?

I would like to know this song.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beetlebath
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2021
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β€˜If you wannabe my lover, you gotta get with my friends’.

Catchy song. Dreadful relationship advice.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nxxname
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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What’s a song that costs 45Β’?

A song by 50cent ft Nickelback

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joshuab006
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
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What’s the difference between Black Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song;

Chickpeas can only hummus one.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MichaelBenedictM
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2021
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What’s the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?

Black eyed peas can sing us a song and chickpeas can only hummus one.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coadnamedalex
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2021
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What’s the difference between black eyed peas and chick peas?

Black eyed peas can sing us a song, but chick peas can only hummus one

πŸ‘︎ 388
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2021
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Bert and Ernie had worked together as morning drivetime radio hosts for 20 years.

They'd traded jokes, played pop music, and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

Now, though, there was silence on the air. Ernie silently reread the fax message from the Department of Defense. As licensed broadcasters they were legally obligated to alert the public, to tell them the nukes were flying and that in a few minutes all the world's troubles would be over. What, though, was the point of that? To torture people with the knowledge of something they couldn't change?

Their eyes met and a decision was reached. Bert put on their most requested song, a sugary top 40 tune while Ernie produced a bottle of bourbon from under the desk. As their producer banged on the locked studio door the colleagues toasted the end of a long career.

Bert, always the consummate professional, turned away from the window as the first explosion split the distant horizon. He straightened his tie, tucked in his shirt, and brushed his hair back. He would meet his fiery death with dignity.

He turned to Ernie and said in a quiet, resigned voice, "How do I look, Ernie?"

Ernie walked slowly over to his friend. He looked into Bert's face and saw the closeness they shared, the strength of their relationship, forged over the years. He took a deep breath and spoke quietly:

"With your eyes, Bert."

πŸ‘︎ 654
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2021
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Prom Night

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

πŸ‘︎ 414
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πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
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What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas.

Black eyed peas sing songs while chickpeas can only hummus

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/matt_cum
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2021
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