In the Bahamas a piece of pie costs $2.75, in Jamaica a pice of pie costs $3.25.

Those are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The-Outcazt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09
🚨︎ report
Since they are filming Spider-Man 3 near my house, I thought I’d write the lead actor an orchestral piece...

I think I’ll call it β€œMr. Holland’s Opus”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leeericewing
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling

Guy:"Whats this about?" Bartender:"Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyones drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it? Guy:"Nah, the steaks are too high."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
How did Santa's reindeer look when they got 3 piece tailored suits?

Dashing

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greenthegreen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote β€œAnt” in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.

You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vtfb79
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says β€œBut I had a 3-piece suit.”

Tailor says β€œThe vest is yet to come.”

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cristarain
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
My brother always has hard candy inside a pocket of his 3-piece suit

He calls them β€œin vest mints”.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uconnrob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
🚨︎ report
3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling
πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePurpleArrow
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2015
🚨︎ report
Did you hear they’re making a movie about the guy who invented the tampon?

It’s a period piece.

πŸ‘︎ 211
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Berjiwhir
πŸ“…︎ May 21
🚨︎ report
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

πŸ‘︎ 599
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 29
🚨︎ report
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was a piece of cake.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31
🚨︎ report
So 3 roads walked into a bar

A length of freeway walked into a bar, and yelled out "I'm the meanest bit of road west of the Pesos, nobody wanna mess with me!"

Then some duplicated overpass walked into the bar. "Anybody think they're tough enough to take on this piece of transit infrastructure? Well, are ya?"

Finally a stretch of dual carriageway walked into the bar. "This bad boy is badder than all you weaklings, whaddya gonna do about it!"

As they were all glaring at each other in a Mexican standoff, some bicycle laneway walked into the bar, threw a chair out of the way and kicked over a table. "I'm the roughest, toughest, meanest, baddest piece of asphalt there is! You're all soft snowflakes! Ain't anyone who has the guts to take me on!"

The first three roadways all immediately turned to the bar and started meekly sipping their drinks, trying to look inconspicuous. The bartender asked them "What's the matter, are you going to let him get away with that? Why don't you stand up to him?"

"We aren't going to mess with him", they replied, "He's a real cycle path".

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SurfingSherlock
πŸ“…︎ May 22
🚨︎ report
We never listen

I wrote my girlfriend a complex poem on a piece of Kleenex. But as it turns out, it was a deep tissue massage that she wanted, not a deep tissue message.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigelito
πŸ“…︎ May 21
🚨︎ report
A friend told me the local furniture store had some nice stools.

Upon closer inspection of their samples, I decided they were pieces of crap.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rare_Beat
πŸ“…︎ May 12
🚨︎ report
What did the cake say to the fork?

Do you want a piece of me

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/90eight
πŸ“…︎ May 06
🚨︎ report
A man has three dogs

A man has three dogs. The 1st is named Max. The 2nd, named Brutus, and the third named Clarice. One day, the owner comes home to find his childhood stuffed animal in pieces on the floor, cotton strewn about everywhere. In an effort to find out who the culprit is he lines up his three dogs. Looking at them he asks the 1st, β€œMax, did you do this?” Max wagged his tail and didn’t move from his spot. The owner looks over to the third, Clarice, who has taken it upon herself to lay down for some naps. As he looks into the middle of the two, he can see a tuft of cotton escaping from his snout and exclaims: β€œPet two, Brutus?”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doc_Hobb
πŸ“…︎ May 12
🚨︎ report
Olives? Nah...

Greece's Pieces.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ May 19
🚨︎ report
My coffee table used to be owned by Evander Hoyfield ...

I can tell because it's missing a little piece of veneer.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18
🚨︎ report
Whatβ€˜s written on the gravestone of a shredded person?

Rest In Pieces

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PfadiAvia03
πŸ“…︎ May 19
🚨︎ report
A piece of string walks into a bar

Immediately the bartender tells him to get out "We don't serve pieces of string here!"

The piece of string is a bit disappointed, but has an idea. He ruffles his top and returns to the bar.

"I told you to get out. We don't serve pieces of string here!" said the bartender

The string replies "A piece of string ?? I'm a frayed knot!"

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LayThatPipe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01
🚨︎ report
I went in to hospital for a routine operation and was furious when I woke up to find the surgeon had given me a lobotomy

I can tell you, he sure got a piece of my mind.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Justlikeyourmoma
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the peanut butter factory that exploded?

The Reese’s was in pieces.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Captain_Cookiez
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07
🚨︎ report
I saw a comedy sketch on how people from around the country talk differently.

It was an accent piece.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ontoforever
πŸ“…︎ May 01
🚨︎ report
A cow, a chicken and a pig go to Mac Donalds.

In pieces.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SleepOrderDis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
🚨︎ report
What does Reese Witherspoon call her gun collection?

Reese’s Pieces

πŸ‘︎ 468
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andrewleckrone
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09
🚨︎ report
Terrorist walks into a bar and orders a vodka on the rocks

Bartender picks up a piece of ice, and asks "you like ice?"

Terrorist says "Yes, but more than one would be nice"

Bartender grabs another piece of ice and asks "so, you like ices?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Farnesworth85
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30
🚨︎ report
Attila the Hun had a pet snake who refused to eat.

He tried everything: rodents, small animals, and even cuts from larger animals, but it wouldn't eat.

As a last resort, he offered a virgin, but still the snake wouldn't eat. So, he called up the village's wise man.

Without hesitation, the wise man put two pieces of bread on the woman, and the snake ate her whole.

When Attila asked why, the wise man responded,

"Thine anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, hun!"

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_wild_redditer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the student eat his homework?

Because, the teacher told him, it was a piece of cake.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19
🚨︎ report
Ol’ Mr. Woodpecker

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AgedMurcury78
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03
🚨︎ report
my wife and dog both love licking my face...

guess i’m just a piece of meat for them

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/newdudeonblock
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19
🚨︎ report
What’s Poseidon’s favorite dessert?

A good old piece of octopie

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SetoSi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12
🚨︎ report
Loosing weight is a peice of cake!

Just don’t pick it up

Edit: piece I before E except after c

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gowry0
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10
🚨︎ report
I asked the baker if it was hard cutting the cake into equal slices

He said, "It's a piece of cake!"

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/corbillardier
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend told me that a very thick letter had arrived for me.

I replied, 'of course it's thick. Envelopes and pieces of paper do not tend to have a very high IQ'.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bbew_Mot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03
🚨︎ report
I hate explosions.....

I go all to pieces

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EJDJohnAudiR18USA
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26
🚨︎ report
I have to tell someone about this because I'm at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they're to young to understand my best dad joke ever.

My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Superj89
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Today I finally graduate after 8 years..

Piece of cake :D

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chickensoupp
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28
🚨︎ report
Archeologists recently discovered Cleopatra’s tampons.

They turned out to be real period pieces.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BunBunChow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
🚨︎ report
I was starting to get worried about my Karma points on Reddit...

But getting over it was a piece of cake.

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigZ41
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Don’t be greedy

Guy says to his pal, β€œcan I offer you a piece of fruit?”

Buddy says, β€œsure how about a pear?”

Guy says, β€œSorry man, I only have one.”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/asiers
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t understand why I can't lose weight.

I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks, "What's this about?"

The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?"

The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/REPOST_STRANGLER
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the cake say to the fork?

You want a piece of me!?

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mcab00
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27
🚨︎ report
Why did the kids eat their homework?

Their teacher said it was a piece of cake.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johannes_Cabal_NA
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12
🚨︎ report
The man who invented autocorrect has died

Restaurant in piece

πŸ‘︎ 129
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Valdagast
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

πŸ‘︎ 215
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

πŸ‘︎ 431
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report

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