2 drunk guys getting into a fight. One gets up and draws a line on the ground. He says "you cross this line and I'll punch you in the face".
That was the punchline...
2 Astronauts landed on the Sun
Astronaut 1 : ItssofuckinghotcanIgetabeeraroundhere?
Astronaut 2 : Thereisnospacebar.
My friends keep trying to convince me to let a 2,000 elephant sit on me.
2 pebbles washes up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
1 of the 2 women in my office has cast a spell on me...
I don't know which one is witch ?
I went to the zoo and saw 2 massive hairy apes, covered in cream and cherries on their heads..
Apparently they were Meringue-utans.
This Is A Paid advertisement: Have a home project you’re working on? For a limited time, Lowes Home Improvement is now selling Levels 2 for the price of 1!
I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.
I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says it’s terminal.
Told my wife when she turns 40, I was gonna have to trade her in on 2, 20's
She said that I wasn't wired for it.....
Here's my 2 scents on the puns page.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
I broke 2 fingers on my right hand today
On the other hand everything is OK.
Happy Fathers Day everybody
Julie Andrews’ Daily Schedule: 1. Impersonate Homer Simpson 2. Read about bushcraft 3. Watch ludicrously silly play 4. Replace button on blouse 5. Start making coffee flavoured bread
D’oh, Ray Mears, Farce, Sew, Latte Dough.
How do you knock on 2 doors
Saw a radio for sale for only $2, wanted to buy it but the volume was stuck on full. Thought to myself...
... boy I just can't turn that down
On a video of a custom 2 Fort map that excludes the middle area (Team Fortress 2)
2.3m Dads on this sub.
You guys are really tall.
When I was on Naked and Afraid, I went out gathering food. I was able to find 2 small slugs to bring back to camp...
It was slimy pickings for dinner that evening.
What do you call 2 Crows on a fence?
I want to drink my coffee, smoke my cigarette, browse reddit on my phone all at the same time but I only have 2 hands. I wish I had another set of hands for this.
I think that would be pretty handy.
What happens when you drop a 14 pound weight on 2 canaries?
You kill 2 birds with one stone.
There were 2 fly’s on a toilet seat.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:00am
I know 2:00am!? Good thing I was still up playing my drums
Bar talk: Dude 1: What was that song by Eric Burdon again; something about love is on fire? Dude 2: Yeah. Yeah. "Love is a burnin' thing, and it makes a fiery ring..."
Dude 3: I think it was Hotel California. "Last thing I remember, I was running for the door..."
My neighbor came knocking on my door at 2:30 am. Unbelievable!
Luckily I was still up playing my bagpipes
My friend will be leaving prison on 2/22/2022.
On his release, he'll be saying, "Deuces!"
My wife and I went on a trip to Cuba to stay at a few different places. By the end of week 2, we were walking barefoot across a beach, nearly dying of thirst and exhausted. We were wondering if we'd make it home, until I spotted a server holding some drinks. We sprinted towards her and drank both.
TIL that Cards Against Humanity joked that they could buy an island with the money they donate to charity, so they bought an island in Maine to preserve wildlife. They named it ‘Hawaii 2’ because “it’s on the Maine land.”
connecticut.cbslocal.com/…
Which mouse walks on 2 feet?
>!Mickey Mouse!!<
And which duck walks on two feet?
>!Every duck!!<
2 Antennas meet on a roof and fall in love and get married
While the ceremony wasn't that great, the reception was excellent
2 paramedics respond to a call for a lady with an infected hangnail on her big toe.
One paramedic looks at the other and says, “she doesn’t need an ambulance, she needs a toe truck!”
2 guys are sitting on a fence, Pete and Repete. Pete falls off the fence, who is left sitting on the fence?
A man filling his car with gas, got some gas on his arm. He got in his car and lit a cigarette lighting his arm on fire. He flails around and other patrons help him put it out, just then 2 cops roll up...
They arrest him for waving a fire arm.
If you order something on the 30th of December and get 2-day shipping.
Isn’t it considered next year shipping?
Did you know people like 2-3 covers on their bed at all times?
That's just a blanket statement.
I just spent $13 on 2 cents worth of bamboo
It's 2:00am on January 1st where I live.
I haven't slept since last year and I'm EXHAUSTED!
2 parrots sitting on a perch, one said to the other ...
The man who invented the crossword is buried on that cemetery. No, really! He's buried 3 down and 2 across.
Best said when driving past any cemetery...
Took my 2-year-old to the doctor because she was growing hair on her face
Turns out it's called eyebrows
I'm a little low on money at the moment to buy Injustice 2. I plan on trading games back to GameStop even though I will get next to nothing for it. I'll even trade in my original Injustice game for it...
that's what I call poetic injustice.
If you ever need to fit 2 of every animal on a boat...
Why do bears walk on 2 feet?
Because they can't BEAR to walk on 4 feet.
I saw an add that said “Radio for sale, $2, Volume stuck on full”
I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
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