My 9 year old hit me with a 1 - 2 this morning!
I’m brushing her hair.
“Dad, you know why my hair SO tangled this morning?”
“I don’t know buddy.”
“Because it’s so naughty!”
Brush drop…back to brushing.
“I had to sleep in the corner of my room because the air conditioning was too cold last night dad.”
“What?”
“My corner’s always 90 degrees.”
I almost shed a tear of pride. 😃
Why did Star Wars come out 4,5,6,1,2,3?
Because in charge of sequence, yoda was.
Why did the Star Wars movies came out in the order 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3…?
Because "in charge of scheduling, the Yoda was."
When I was much younger, I got into a fight with 1, 2, 3, 5, and 7 and won. If I tried to fight them today, I'd lose.
I guess I'm not in prime fighting condition anymore.
2 cats swim across the channel. 1 English 1 French. They're called one two three and un deux troix respectively. Which one won?
One two three because the un deux troix cat sank.
Ba dum tiss
I always say "1/2" instead of "one half"
Because fractions speak louder than words
I studied my taxes for a way to stick it to those crooks at the IRS. I decided to replace every 9 with an 8, every 7 with a 6, every 5 with a 4, every 3 with a 2, and every 1 with a 0. It’s not cheating.
It’s just a way to even the odds.
My son asked why sStar Wars movies came out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3…
I answered in my best yoda impersonation: ‘in charge of scheduling, I was’
My son loved it, I heard a sigh from my SO, and when I looked at her, she just shook her head.
Did you know that a slice of pie costs 2.50 in Jamaica and 1.75 in the Bahamas?
Yeah, these are the pie rates of the Caribbean...
A friend asked if there was an easy way to tell if an HDMI cable is 2.1 or not?
I told him, “just looking, it’s hard 2.1 out”
I now only watch television at 1, 2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 o'clock.
Person 1: "How do you spell icy?" Person 2: "I C Y."
Person 1: "See why what?"
An optimist says that the glass is 1/2 full. A pessimist says that the glass is 1/2 empty.
Excel says that the glass is January 2nd.
The Fellowship consists of 4 hobbits, 2 humans, 1 elf and a dwarf
I used to walk around saying I was 6’2” tall. Then a nurse measured my height as 6’1.75”….
She forced me to take it down a notch
I just paid $2 today to pump up my cars tires, two months ago it was only $1.25
A Star Wars fan orders 3 tequilas, 2 whiskeys, and 1 fireball. What does he start with?
Cherry pie goes for 3.25 a slice in Cuba, pecan pie for 1.90 in Puerto Rico, and apple pie for 2.99 in Jamaica.
Now you know the pie rates of the Caribbean.
What do you call a sea that prefers the temperature outside to be between 31.2 °C and 33.1 °C?
Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?
Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.
Three moles are digging in a tunnel. Mole 1: It smells like cinnamon in here. Mole 2: It smells like nutmeg in here.
Mole 3: It smells like mole-asses to me.
2 packets of chips walk out of the bar. 1 was assaulted.
Air at the gas station went from $1 to $2
Daughter 1 (crying): "I was going to draw a chameleon but Daughter 2 said I couldn't." Wife: "You can draw a chameleon?" (D1 nods).
Me: "I can too. I already did. It's so good, you can't even see where I drew it."
All three girls: Conversation stops, eyes roll, crisis averted.
My son told me he needed to use the bathroom. I asked, “#1 or #2?” He said, “#3.”
I watched Iron Man 1 and Iron Man 2 today.
And I gotta say, there was a Stark contrast between the two movies.
Why was 2 afraid of 1?
Because he's a little odd
1 and 2 are leaving a hotel
1 and 2 are the most romantic numbers
In the Bahamas you can get a steak and kidney pie for about £1.50. A chicken pie is £2 and a Fray Bentos is £3.50.
Not sure if you need to know this, but I have heard lots of people saying they love to talk about the pie rates of the Caribbean
What is it called when 1 o’clock & 2 o’clock start dating?
What's 2 potatoes + 3 potatoes - 1 potato?
After Boris Becker got sentenced to 2 1/2 years yesterday he asked the judge how many months that was.
The cashier insisted I pay him $2 for my $1.01 purchase.
Person 1: I have some ants. Person 2: Well I have taller ants. Person 1: I have some glue. Person 2: Well I have a tin of glue. Person 1: I have some bread.
Person 2: Well I can't handle bread with my
glue-tin-and-taller-ants.
This joke brought to you by my friend's 10 year old son.
Why were the 2 dimensional shapes stressed when they came across the corpse of a 1 dimensional being?
They had reached the deadline
Interview questions for medieval monks. Question 1: Do you sing, by chants? Question 2: Do you suffer from cloister-phobia?
Today I will be talking about the Makita 18V Cordless 1/2-Inch Hammer Drive
So 2 astronauts are in space and 1 asks
Isthereanywhereicangetabeerouthere and then the other replies with Notheresnospacebar
A legit conversation today with my 2 1/2 year old son as we do our daily stroll past a train station that for once, has no trains stationed...
Son: Daddy, where is Thomas?
Daddy: I don’t know, mate.
Son: He must be working from home today.
Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?
In charge of numbering, Yoda was.
Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2, and 3?
Because in charge of scheduling Yoda was.
Why did Episodes 4, 5 and 6 come out before 1, 2 and 3?
In charge of scheduling Yoda was.
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