Dude 1: β€œHey bro?” Dude 2: β€œYeah bro?” Dude 1: β€œCan you hand me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: β€œBrochure”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/reditrewrite
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 25 2020
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Dog 1 - Woof Woof. Dog 2 - Woof Woof. Dog 3 - Moo Moo.

Dog 2 - What in the world is Moo Moo? Dog 3 - I'm learning a foreign language!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Genius_Psycho
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 10 2021
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2 of our friends came over at around 1 AM and to be honest, I was a bit embarrassed to let them in

Hadn’t cleaned the house all year

πŸ‘οΈŽ 25
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/the1nonlyevilelmo
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 01 2021
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The longest I've ever made love for is 1 hour, 2 minutes and 32 seconds...

... I love it when the clocks go forward!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 52
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 19 2020
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There are 2 types of people: 1) people who make inferences over low amounts of information

Get it?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/LightningClone
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 14 2020
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Holiday to-do list: 1) shoot the family 2) hang the kids 3) frame the wife

$129.95 at JC Penny Portrait and Framing Studio

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Sattoth
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 07 2020
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4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar

The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke

πŸ‘οΈŽ 98
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Outi94
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 29 2020
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I walked into a supermarket and saw 1/2 watermelon.....

Why is it i shop at Wholefoods and see this?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 38
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SIIa109
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 03 2020
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Today I will be talking about the Makita 18V Cordless 1/2-Inch Hammer Drive

You know the drill

πŸ‘οΈŽ 494
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sictirul
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 17 2020
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Do you want to hear 2 short jokes and 1 long joke

Joke

Joke

Joooooooooooooooooooke

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Hollowshiningami
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 03 2020
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We all know that Dracula is the #1 vampire and from Transylvania. But where is the #2 vampire from?

Pencil-vania.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Dublers
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 16 2020
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1 of the 2 women in my office has cast a spell on me...

I don't know which one is witch ?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 25 2020
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This Is A Paid advertisement: Have a home project you’re working on? For a limited time, Lowes Home Improvement is now selling Levels 2 for the price of 1!

Multi-level marketing

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BHarcade
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 28 2020
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Why did Episodes 4, 5 and 6 come out before 1, 2 and 3?

In charge of scheduling Yoda was.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 598
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/rdldew
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 04 2020
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A legit conversation today with my 2 1/2 year old son as we do our daily stroll past a train station that for once, has no trains stationed...

Son: Daddy, where is Thomas? Daddy: I don’t know, mate. Son: He must be working from home today.

Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 599
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/dens382
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 25 2020
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How to Catch a Polar Bear: 1)Find a frozen lake 2)Dig a hole in the ice 3)Surround the hole with frozen peas 4)Hide nearby.

When the bear stops to take a pea, kick it in the ice hole!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 56
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/banditk77
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 04 2020
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Julie Andrews’ Daily Schedule: 1. Impersonate Homer Simpson 2. Read about bushcraft 3. Watch ludicrously silly play 4. Replace button on blouse 5. Start making coffee flavoured bread

D’oh, Ray Mears, Farce, Sew, Latte Dough.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Raoul24601
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 23 2020
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Step 1: be friends with a god. Step 2: tell other people about your friend.

Step 3: prophet.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 96
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Batman_AoD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 25 2020
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A mom angrily told her 4 year old son to say counting if he wanted to get his lunch. So the boy started... 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10...

I don't think he need that lunch anymore. He already 8

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/stent_kush
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 17 2020
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√-1 2^3 βˆ‘ Ο€

And it was delicious!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/King_Sparky_
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 31 2020
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Irish people can’t count! They know 1, 2...

Then they jump straight to Tree

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Sandra-Clapped
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 12 2020
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Why do 1, 2, 3, 5, and 7 keep attacking me?

I'm a prime target

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/of93
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 13 2020
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Key Lime pie, $2/slice in Jamaica, $1.50/slice in the Bahamas

These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/pockets-sandy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 23 2020
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My dad named his iPhone "Titanic 1," his iPad "Titanic 2," and his MacBook "Titanic 3"

I asked him how he came up with those names.

He said, "Because they're all syncing."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 38
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Sunyyan
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 25 2020
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I'd just like 1 or 2 upvotes, does this count?
πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jollyberries
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 19 2020
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Help: Spent my whole shower trying to think of comic book-based puns for toiletries. Best I could do was Conditioner Gordon and a 2 in 1 shampoo named Harvey Dent.

Maybe a No More Tears version called Daredevil? I don’t know. A sleeping mask called the Dark Night? Deadpoop toilet paper? I’m drowning here, man.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/yikesomalley
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 17 2020
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I took my kid shopping and he asked me why cookies were $1.99 instead of $2.00

I looked at him bewildered and told him because $2.00 doesn't make cents.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/PurpleFlame8
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 06 2020
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Guy 1: "If my boss doesn't take back what he said to me, I'm leaving the company." Guy 2: "What did he say?"

Guy 1: "Leave the company."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 141
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 16 2019
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What did 2 say to the 1 when he got injured?

Do you need First Aid?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 22
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CaptAlex1092
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 16 2019
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2 old puns are better than 1, drawings by friend at work
πŸ‘οΈŽ 2k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Rayraegah
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 16 2018
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Friend 1: "Yo where's your mom?" Friend 2: "I don't have one, my parents are gay"

Friend 1: "Aw thats too(two) dad"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 335
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/howlongcanitypeonthi
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 17 2019
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The perfect 2 in 1 office appliance: the PhotoCoffeer
πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/OllieChaos
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 01 2019
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So numbers 1 to 9 had a party but 2, 4, 6 & 8 did not turn up

It was an odd party

πŸ‘οΈŽ 34
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/monfools
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 17 2019
🚨︎ report
For years I told my daughter she was 1/2 Human & 1/2 Mermaid ... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 3k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HUMANPHILOSOPHER
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 07 2017
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This one made me proud as a dad. My 9 1/2 year-old son came up with it: What do you call someone you can't stand because all they do is annoy you with question after question?

An askhole.

I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.

I helped him tweak the setup a little, and then I had him tell his momma. I laughed even harder when she sat in stunned silence for a few seconds and then busted out laughing with her hands over her mouth.

We explained to him that while the joke was not wholly appropriate for his age, it most certainly was funny.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 38
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DINC44
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Well It's 1 for the Money, 2 For the Show, 3 To Get Ready.....

4 For Sales

5 For Customer Service or

6 to hear these options again

πŸ‘οΈŽ 367
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 02 2019
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What did elevator#1 say to elevator#2?

I think I'm coming down with something...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/td941
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
In Jamaica, an Apple pie costs about $2.00, while a Pecan pie costs $2.50 and a Rhubarb pie costs $3.00. In the Bahamas, an Apple pie is $1.50, a Pecan pie is $2.00, and a Rhubarb pie is $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

πŸ‘οΈŽ 82
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Quartz_Knee
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 28 2019
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Windmill number 1 asked windmill number 2 β€œwhat kind of music do you listen to?” Windmill 2 responded β€œI’m a huge metal fan”
πŸ‘οΈŽ 37
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/_crownseye
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 09 2019
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1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri

My to doo list

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 26 2019
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3 unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 285
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?

Yoda: In charge of scheduling, I was.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 44
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 29 2020
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Why does 2+1 barking?

Because it is tree

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Pacson_So_Funny
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Star Wars 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?

Because in charge of the schedule Yoda was.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 235
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Anon-Ymous929
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 30 2019
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Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?

In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 34
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TakenByKangAndKodos
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 18 2019
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This joke ends in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 3, 2, 1

It’s a four-gone conclusion.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My 9 1/2 year-old son came up with this one: What do you call someone you can't stand because all they do is annoy you with question after question?

An askhole.

I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.

I helped him tweak the setup a little, and then I had him tell his momma. I laughed even harder when she sat in stunned silence for a few seconds and then busted out laughing with her hands over her mouth.

We explained to him that while the joke was not wholly appropriate for his age, it most certainly was funny.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DINC44
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 10 2019
🚨︎ report

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