Dude 1: βHey bro?β Dude 2: βYeah bro?β Dude 1: βCan you hand me that pamphlet?β
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︎ Sep 25 2020
Dog 1 - Woof Woof. Dog 2 - Woof Woof. Dog 3 - Moo Moo.
Dog 2 - What in the world is Moo Moo?
Dog 3 - I'm learning a foreign language!
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︎ Feb 10 2021
2 of our friends came over at around 1 AM and to be honest, I was a bit embarrassed to let them in
Hadnβt cleaned the house all year
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︎ Jan 01 2021
The longest I've ever made love for is 1 hour, 2 minutes and 32 seconds...
... I love it when the clocks go forward!
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︎ Nov 19 2020
There are 2 types of people: 1) people who make inferences over low amounts of information
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︎ Dec 14 2020
Holiday to-do list: 1) shoot the family 2) hang the kids 3) frame the wife
$129.95 at JC Penny Portrait and Framing Studio
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︎ Dec 07 2020
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
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︎ Oct 29 2020
I walked into a supermarket and saw 1/2 watermelon.....
Why is it i shop at Wholefoods and see this?
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︎ Dec 03 2020
Today I will be talking about the Makita 18V Cordless 1/2-Inch Hammer Drive
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︎ Sep 17 2020
Do you want to hear 2 short jokes and 1 long joke
Joke
Joke
Joooooooooooooooooooke
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︎ Dec 03 2020
We all know that Dracula is the #1 vampire and from Transylvania. But where is the #2 vampire from?
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︎ Nov 16 2020
1 of the 2 women in my office has cast a spell on me...
I don't know which one is witch ?
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︎ Oct 25 2020
This Is A Paid advertisement: Have a home project youβre working on? For a limited time, Lowes Home Improvement is now selling Levels 2 for the price of 1!
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︎ Sep 28 2020
Why did Episodes 4, 5 and 6 come out before 1, 2 and 3?
In charge of scheduling Yoda was.
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︎ May 04 2020
A legit conversation today with my 2 1/2 year old son as we do our daily stroll past a train station that for once, has no trains stationed...
Son: Daddy, where is Thomas?
Daddy: I donβt know, mate.
Son: He must be working from home today.
Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.
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︎ Apr 25 2020
How to Catch a Polar Bear: 1)Find a frozen lake 2)Dig a hole in the ice 3)Surround the hole with frozen peas 4)Hide nearby.
When the bear stops to take a pea, kick it in the ice hole!
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︎ Jul 04 2020
Julie Andrewsβ Daily Schedule: 1. Impersonate Homer Simpson 2. Read about bushcraft 3. Watch ludicrously silly play 4. Replace button on blouse 5. Start making coffee flavoured bread
Dβoh, Ray Mears, Farce, Sew, Latte Dough.
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︎ Aug 23 2020
Step 1: be friends with a god. Step 2: tell other people about your friend.
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︎ Jun 25 2020
A mom angrily told her 4 year old son to say counting if he wanted to get his lunch. So the boy started... 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10...
I don't think he need that lunch anymore. He already 8
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︎ Aug 17 2020
β-1 2^3 β Ο
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︎ May 31 2020
Irish people canβt count! They know 1, 2...
Then they jump straight to Tree
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︎ Apr 12 2020
Why do 1, 2, 3, 5, and 7 keep attacking me?
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︎ Apr 13 2020
Key Lime pie, $2/slice in Jamaica, $1.50/slice in the Bahamas
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean
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︎ Feb 23 2020
My dad named his iPhone "Titanic 1," his iPad "Titanic 2," and his MacBook "Titanic 3"
I asked him how he came up with those names.
He said, "Because they're all syncing."
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︎ Mar 25 2020
I'd just like 1 or 2 upvotes, does this count?
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︎ Jan 19 2020
Help: Spent my whole shower trying to think of comic book-based puns for toiletries. Best I could do was Conditioner Gordon and a 2 in 1 shampoo named Harvey Dent.
Maybe a No More Tears version called Daredevil? I donβt know. A sleeping mask called the Dark Night? Deadpoop toilet paper? Iβm drowning here, man.
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︎ Feb 17 2020
I took my kid shopping and he asked me why cookies were $1.99 instead of $2.00
I looked at him bewildered and told him because $2.00 doesn't make cents.
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︎ May 06 2020
Guy 1: "If my boss doesn't take back what he said to me, I'm leaving the company." Guy 2: "What did he say?"
Guy 1: "Leave the company."
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︎ Nov 16 2019
What did 2 say to the 1 when he got injured?
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︎ Dec 16 2019
2 old puns are better than 1, drawings by friend at work
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︎ Jun 16 2018
Friend 1: "Yo where's your mom?" Friend 2: "I don't have one, my parents are gay"
Friend 1: "Aw thats too(two) dad"
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︎ Jul 17 2019
The perfect 2 in 1 office appliance: the PhotoCoffeer
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︎ Nov 01 2019
So numbers 1 to 9 had a party but 2, 4, 6 & 8 did not turn up
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︎ Jul 17 2019
For years I told my daughter she was 1/2 Human & 1/2 Mermaid ... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
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︎ Mar 07 2017
This one made me proud as a dad. My 9 1/2 year-old son came up with it: What do you call someone you can't stand because all they do is annoy you with question after question?
An askhole.
I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.
I helped him tweak the setup a little, and then I had him tell his momma. I laughed even harder when she sat in stunned silence for a few seconds and then busted out laughing with her hands over her mouth.
We explained to him that while the joke was not wholly appropriate for his age, it most certainly was funny.
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︎ Jul 10 2019
Well It's 1 for the Money, 2 For the Show, 3 To Get Ready.....
4 For Sales
5 For Customer Service or
6 to hear these options again
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︎ Jan 02 2019
What did elevator#1 say to elevator#2?
I think I'm coming down with something...
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︎ Dec 22 2019
In Jamaica, an Apple pie costs about $2.00, while a Pecan pie costs $2.50 and a Rhubarb pie costs $3.00. In the Bahamas, an Apple pie is $1.50, a Pecan pie is $2.00, and a Rhubarb pie is $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
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︎ May 28 2019
Windmill number 1 asked windmill number 2 βwhat kind of music do you listen to?β Windmill 2 responded βIβm a huge metal fanβ
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︎ Sep 09 2019
1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri
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︎ Sep 26 2019
3 unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3.
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︎ May 21 2020
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?
Yoda: In charge of scheduling, I was.
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︎ Jun 29 2020
Why does 2+1 barking?
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︎ Mar 06 2020
Why did Star Wars 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?
Because in charge of the schedule Yoda was.
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︎ Jun 30 2019
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
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︎ Oct 18 2019
This joke ends in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 3, 2, 1
Itβs a four-gone conclusion.
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︎ Dec 10 2019
My 9 1/2 year-old son came up with this one: What do you call someone you can't stand because all they do is annoy you with question after question?
An askhole.
I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.
I helped him tweak the setup a little, and then I had him tell his momma. I laughed even harder when she sat in stunned silence for a few seconds and then busted out laughing with her hands over her mouth.
We explained to him that while the joke was not wholly appropriate for his age, it most certainly was funny.
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︎ Jul 10 2019
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