1 Word Puns

...Dad died, boat for sale."

Person 2: "...'kay, so?"

Person 1: "Yeah, that's right!"

He handed her a picture instead!

That's my boy!

Butt cheeks

I said "good listener"

All his grades were below C level

Negative.

"Hello caller 1 what's your word?"

"Goan"

"Goan? I've never heard that one before. Use it in a sentence"

"Goan fuck yourself"

Immediately hangs up and apologies to the listeners.

"Hello caller 2 what's your word?"

"Smee"

"Smee? That's a new one on me. Use it in a sentence please"

'Smee again... goan fuck yourself"

...but in case you don't:

that pronoun (1) \ ˈt͟hat , t͟hət
plural those\ ˈt͟hōz
Definition of that

(Entry 1 of 5) 1a : the person, thing, or idea indicated, mentioned, or understood from the situation that is my father b : the time, action, or event specified after that I went to bed c : the kind or thing specified as follows the purest water is that produced by distillation d : one or a group of the indicated kind that's a cat—quick and agile 2a : the one farther away or less immediately under observation or discussion those are maples and these are elms b : the former one 3a —used as a function word after and to indicate emphatic repetition of the idea expressed by a previous word or phrase he was helpful, and that to an unusual degree b —used as a function word immediately before or after a word group consisting of a verbal auxiliary or a form of the verb be preceded by there or a personal pronoun subject to indicate emphatic repetition of the idea expressed by a previous verb or predicate noun or predicate adjective is she capable? She is that

4a : the one : the thing : the kind : something, anything the truth of that which is true the senses are that whereby we experience the world what's that you say b those plural : some persons those who think the time has come

Some of these are border-line uncle jokes. I'm also an uncle. I keep all these jokes in my dadabase. Aka Google notes.

Some of these I got off of podcasts, the dad joke API, some from movies, but most are from this sub. Let me know if you want a source for a joke or if one of them was yours I'll give credit.

It's ok to be Frank with people. Or josh with them. But try not to Rob or Sue them.

What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck

If the USA is so great then why did they make USB?

Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa. Which is strange.
You think he'd be from mad-at-gas-car

How did Jesus keep his abs? Crossfit

What does a Jewish cowboy celebrate Yee-Hanukka

What did the stamp say to the letter Stick with me and you'll go places

I gave my wife a glue stick instead of lipstick She's still not talking to me

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

What word starts with E and ends with E, but only has one letter in it. Envelope ✉

Why do people on Athens hate getting up early Because dawn is tough on Grease

What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain A purramid

Why do fish like salt water? Pepper makes them sneeze

If april showers bring may flowers What do may flowers bring? PILGRIMS

Why do cemeteries have fences Because people are dying to get in

Did you know Bruce Lee had a Faster older brother? Sudden lee

Did you know he also had a Vegan brother? Broco lee

Pig black belt in karate Pork chop

How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes in 3 cups of coffee If you have 20 sugar cubes? You have to use all the cubes.

You put 1 in the first cup, one in the second cup, and 18 in the last cup. Because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put on a cup of coffee.

I was going to tell your a joke about Yoga But it's Not working out

What do you do if your wife starts smoking Use some lubricant

did you hear about the woman with 12 breasts? Sounds weird, dozen tit?

What did baby corn say to momma corn ( I got a boy scout selling popcorn to eyeroll me on this one) Where's popcorn

What type of pasta do they serve at a haunted house? Fettuccine Afradio

What do you call a werewolf streamer? Liken subscribe

Why don't Elton John songs have a copyright? You can tell everybody this is your song.

My mom swears up and down cows arent real I was in udder disbelief

Skeleton goes into a bar, he orders a beer and a mop

Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet Because th

What are some good puns for that name? (Preferably 1 word, instead of a whole phrase) thanks!

• Like all cherished things in this covid-crazy world, the O.Henry Museum’s famous free, family friendly celebration of the wit-in-word will take place virtually in cyberspace this year. With an awesome live cast of lively wits and tortured tongues, the online audience will be treated to all the linguistic twists, dramatic turns, and surprise endings they’ve groan to love. Expect to witness wacky word butchers and voracious verbivores from around the globe, all worming their way into your ears. Tongues of tradition, tension and camaraderie make this the premier event for the world's competitive wordplay community
• Brought to you this year by the City of Austin, Brush Square Museums Foundation, and co- sponsored by Austin's very own Fantastic Magic Camp, as well as the internationally renowned podcast, Pun Intensive, The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition will commence Saturday, November 21, 2020
• Preliminary live rounds begin Saturday, November 21, 2020, at 11:00am CST, lasting about 2 hours. Later that evening, live competition resumes at 7:00pm CST with head-to-head prime time heats. - See Pun-Off.com for schedule details, links, and more.

[Austin, TX, November 1, 2020] - Although traditionally held outdoors on a single day in the spring, the first portion 2020 the O. Henry Museum Pun-Off competition known as Punniest of Show was conducted via video in October. Now on Saturday, November 21, 2020, PARD will bring you their most popular second segment, O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition

This free, fun, and family friendly event will take place online this year, but with special twists, turns, and surprise modifications to make it the perfect 2020 event for the world's competitive wordplay community.

The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships have been an Austin institution for 43 years. As usual, the contest will feature a cavalcade of word-class wordsmiths from across the globe, all worming their way into your art. Join and enjoy us as they compete to spontaneously spit out the most absurd words you’ve ever heard.

The event will be live streamed at PunIntensive.com.

Only 1,999 more words to go!!

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, “Constipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said “No, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, “Yeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. “Taken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

You just have to know what questions they're answering, like, what’s a tree trunk covered in, what’s the french word for egg, how does sandpaper feel, what’s on the top of a house, what’s 1 divided by two

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

A coworker of mine was discussing an interesting problem that involved a complex graph. He showed me this graph on the computer but then I said I couldn't see it. He then said "Is this better?" to which I replied "Ahh...the plot thickens..." He walked away without saying a word

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

• Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
• It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
• What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
• Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
• Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
• Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
• If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
• Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
• Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
• American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
• The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
• Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
• Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
• Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
• Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
• Rittal me this, Batman!
• Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
• Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
• If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
• When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
• You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
• Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
• Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
• Don't think Seton is

1. how do you stop an dog from barking in the back seat? you move it to the front seat

2. what did the peanut say to the elephant? nothing, peanuts can't talk

i've heard him tell them dozens of times, it's really bad

edit: words

My whole family is very, very white.

So my brother and I are at an NHL hockey game. I forget who was playing. My brother and I had gone to get some snacks are where trying to get my dads attention. We called his name, we waved, we screamed, we screeched, and nothing would get his attention. Finally we determined that we get his attention by calling the pet name he used for us when we were getting into mischief.

... 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... COTTONPICKER!!!

At that moment 3 huge black guys turned around. I wondered for a second why they looked like they wanted to murder us. I had never actually parsed the word cottonpicker before; but in the second second I did. Took till the third second until I realized the rascist connotations of that term, and why 3 huge black guys might have some ill will towards us for screaming it so flippantly. I can only imagine how my 13 year old eyes looked as I processed this information. By the forth second I had grabbed my brother and we were running. We didn't stop for 10 minutes. We couldn't go back to our seats for the whole game since these guys were sitting right behind us.

After the game I let my father know how pissed at him I was.

TLDR: Dads don't have rascist pet names for your kids; you may get them killed.

Say your name is Michael Smith, and you are introduced to my dad. There are two possible outcomes.

1. "You must be Mr. And Mrs. Smith's son
2. Michael Keaton?

And he asks nearly everyone he meets and greets "explain the universe in three words and give five examples."

Dad : |

He couldn’t be bothered and handed in a picture instead.