pawndering
WITH A TORNADO
Yeah she watches a lot of Wizard of Oz right now
It’s like a Sting operation.
Past-your-eyesed milk
they're still stationery.
“Yes, but that’s another story.”
Move it too far forward and it becomes a birdie tee.
Too far back and it becomes a bogey tee
Get it just right?
Now that's a party.
She was OK with that
"Wow! There's so much womb in here!"
Smokey the Bear was relaxing in his new house.
He'd just moved to the neighbourhood and was enjoying retirement after years of working for the U.S. Forest Service. He was sitting in his favourite easy chair, reading a particularly engaging book, when the doorbell rang.
Smokey sighed, set the book face down (his sister was always so mad at him for doing this as it ruined the spine, but seeing as this was essentially the latest in a series of airport bestsellers, he didn't feel like he was damaging anything particularly worth saving (though he had to admit it was pretty compelling, if a bit tawdry) and got up to answer the door.
When he opened it, there was a ram standing there, with a stack of fliers in his arms.
"Hello sir or madam would you like a.... OH! It's you! You're Smokey! I love your work!"
"That's quite alright, thank you" Smokey said "Now what can I do for you, young man?"
"Oh gosh, I'm so flustered" said the ram. "I never expected to see a celebrity on my first day!" "First day of...?" said Smokey. "Oh! Sorry, yes!" the ram stammered. "My sister and I just opened a new flower shop down the street and I was just handing out these brochures and it would just mean the world to us both if you would take one!"
Smokey looked down at the coupon in the ram's hand, then back up to his face.
"Sorry, kid. I'm not going to take this".
The poor ram was shocked "You're... not?"
"Now, if your sister was here, I'd accept it from her, but not from you".
"Wh... but... I don't understand...? Why my sister?"
Smokey got a serious expression on his face and looked the ram dead in the eye.
"Only ewes can present florist fliers".
I finally decided to shred all my cheese jokes for the grater good! I couldn't brie-lieve it either!
I don't think they've moved.
It was a Risk they had to take
This was not any ordinary bird however, as he was able to speak and understand English at a perfect level. For quite a while, he didn't use it much to his advantage. He was content simply fluttering around and living peacefully with his bird wife.
But one day, tragedy struck! Our bird one day woke up to an empty nest, no bird kids, no bird wife, just him and some twigs.
He starts asking around his bird community, and eventually pieces together that his bird wife got tired of him and his lack of ambition. She took the bird kids and flew off to stay with her bird Mother.
Our bird was left with an overwhelming sense of listlessness, realizing that everything he had worked towards in his bird life was now gone.
Our bird, now destitute and lonely, decided he was tired of bird life, and wanted to use his English speaking ability to try something new.
He decides to fly into the nearest human town, and observe for a bit. He perched himself on a tree overlooking the main street of the town, and simply watched.
After an hour or two, he noticed several people heading into a building, one labelled as "Bar". He decides that if he wants to truly utilize his prowess of the English language, the best place to start is with other English speakers, so he flies down to the building and hops his way inside.
Our bird makes his way over the bar, hops up on a stool, and says "Hey bartender, can I get a drink?" The bartender and a few other people nearby notice that these words came out of a bird and are immediately and completely enthralled and bewildered by this sight.
The bartender saunters over and asks "Did you just ask for a drink? But you're a bird! I've never seen anything like this before, but if you want a drink I'm happy to oblige".
The bartender pours the bird some water, places it in front of him, and they start chatting. After realizing what was happening, every patron at the bar is standing around the bird, eager to get another peek at this otherworldly phenomenon. People ask the bird some questions, and the bird happily responds, informing them all of his plight and his goal to take full advantage of his gift. More people make their way to him, snapping pictures and videos to share with their friends. The bird loves all the attention and is more than happy to indulge each and every customer who comes up to him.
After a few hours, closing time rolls around. Most people make their way out of the bar, ecstatic to share their newfound memories with family an
... keep reading on reddit ➡In rundown areas.
The flag is a big plus.
A spookesman
“I heard a statistic that most accidents happen within 5 miles of your home. So I moved 6 miles away.”
If a group of clowns are threatening you, make sure to go for the juggler first.
He's so vane.
I am sick and tired of trying to find your "X", just move on dude, don't even ask "Y"
Transportation
It was a severe winter, and this particular night was bitterly cold. There was a loud knocking at the door which was opened to find Quasimodo shivering.
He was brought in, fed warm food and given a warm place to sleep. The next morning, at breakfast, Quasimodo very diffidently approached the Archbishop to thank him for sheltering him.
"Your Grace," he added, "please give me some work to do so I can earn my keep. I am very good at bell ringing."
"My son," replied the Archbishop, "that is indeed fortuitous timing, as our campanologist is leaving on a pilgrimage to Lourdes. I am wondering, though, with your gnarled hands, if you will not have some difficulty ringing the bells."
"Your Grace, I do not use my hands," Quasimodo explained. "Allow me to demonstrate."
They all went to the belfry, shooed away the bats, and Quasimodo started to ring the bells - with his head.
Everyone was impressed and he got the job. He would ring the bells every day at the appointed time.
For Christmas, he decided to play a symphony as a way to thank everyone. He played so beautifully that everyone was moved to tears.
For the grand finale, he decided to end with a crescendo, so as the last chimes were ringing out on the other nine bells, he drew back to the end of the belfry, ran to the tenth bell and took a flying leap at the bell.
And missed.
He couldn't stop himself, and flew straight out of the belfry to go splat on the pavement below, dead.
People gathered, the gendarmes were summoned, and they started asking if anyone knew who this poor fellow was.
Someone around spoke up, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."
(to be continued)
But so far, the sails are through the roof!
That was a rooky mistake.
We are currently filming the pilot
He’s a May son.
…he was visiting patients in a brand new hospital. He'd been shown into a ward and began chatting to a patient who replied:
"Fair fa your honest soncie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin race, Aboon them a' you take your place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As lang's my airm"
Confused, Cameron grinned and moved to the next patient and said hello. The patient replied:
"Some hae meat and canna eat, And some was eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit"
Even more confused, he moved to the next patient and before he could say hello the patient chanted:
Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi' bickering brattle!"
Seriously concerned about his safety Cameron hastened away and then turned to the ward sister and asked; "What kind of facility is this? A mental ward?"
She replied "No Prime Minister, it’s the Burns unit."
This is how I became world champion.
I told him they have to draw the line somewhere.
>!...would she be Ella Vader?!<
Utter destruction.
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I said "I think you forgot my name, but I'm a Justin Well, thanks."
Bingo!
Shoutout to u/TomrummetsKald for the original post that gained so much traction. This is my take on that joke if it was told by the late, great Norm MacDonald. Feel free to read in a voice that reminds you of moths or professors of logic.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The nurse says to the rabbit, “Oh, what makes you want to give blood today, rabbit?” And the rabbit begins to explain.
“Oh, nurse, it was such a long journey to get here. You see, I was very sickly as a child. I had a rare anemia of the blood that has been passed down through my family across the generations. There was little that the doctors could do. But then, one day, my older brother died in a horrible, fiery crash, and I was too weak to give him the blood that could have saved his life.
“I became terribly distraught and sought out the counsel of our family priest, who told me the best way to get over my guilt and my shame was to become strong and physically conditioned so that one day even I, with my rare anemia of the blood, could give the blood that could not save my brother, but could save other rabbits.
“So with the priest by my side, I trained for years, until one day a doctor cleared me to safely give blood. I was so proud, and I knew my brother would not die in vain.
“But when I arrived at the blood bank, to my *shock* and *horror,* I remembered my other brother who died of a heroin overdose, and it awakened in me a deep-seated phobia of needles!
“Fortunately, our family priest knew of a minister who specialized in helping rabbits overcome deep-seated phobias. (There’s an obscure seminary in Wyoming that teaches the craft.) It was another long and hard road, filled with many sleepless nights, but he helped me build my spirit as strong as my body, until one day I found that I was no longer afraid of needles!
“And so, I, a rabbit who has been through so much, invited the priest and the minister to accompany me to the blood bank today, to share in this great moment in which I am finally able to give blood in honor of my dear, deceased brothers.”
When the rabbit finished his story, the nurse was quite moved.
“My goodness, that is quite an inspirational story, rabbit. And how good it is that you, the priest and the minister, were able to accompany th
... keep reading on reddit ➡Past-your-eyes-d
I started dating a baker but had to break it off, she was very kneady. Also, the icing on the cake was during an argument she hit me with a French baguette . I'm still in a lot of pane. The yeast she could have done is show me proof why she was mad instead of coming up with a halfbaked story. I still doughnut know what went wrong.
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
…don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground
