But it's actually light.
Doctor: Thatβs hard to say.
But this year I made one mill.
Thought of this one but I donβt think Iβll have a chance to use it
But it's Trudeau.
but it's snot.
"You take bouncy castles far too seriously," my son replied.
....but there's a vas deferens between them.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"
"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
I met a stranger oββn tββhe tββube tββhe oββther dββay. He didn't say 'hello', as a normal person might. Instead, he sββaid, "ββRemember Matt Damon".
That seems a little bit weird... but it gets weirder. The next day, I passed the same fellow on the street, while I was out walking my dog. He called out to me once again, "Remember Matt Damon".
But I finally cracked it and called the cops after the SAME guy tββapped oββn mββy bedroom wββindow, aββt 1ββ1.30 pm last nββight. He called to me, loud enough for me to clearly hear him through the glass, "ββRemember Matt Damon."
My conversation with the police then went like this:
Me: Officer, I think I have a stalker.
Policeman: can you tell me anything about this person?
Me: Well... uhhh... he reminds me of Matt Damon...
There we were, sitting by the hearth last night.
Man on the television set: "Vote blue, no matter who."
Mother: "Father, do you think he means our darling pooch"?
Blue: Snoring on the rug, fat and lavish
Me: "Mother, you are a sensational one. Outrageous!"
Mother: With her head tilted back, unleashes a hearty guffaw
I thought you might enjoy this roguish exchange as much as mother and I did πππ
You might think it be R, but his first love be the C.
So two hunters are doing their jobs and suddenly, one of them gets mauled by a bear. The other hunter calls 911 and says, "Hey! You need to come over quickly! My friend is being mauled by a bear! Actually, I think he might be dead!" And so the lady said "Alright, but can you make sure he's dead?" Through the phone, the lady heard a *POW* and the hunter said, "Okay, so now what?"
You mean an ignorhymus?
[Judging from my username, I think this might be OC]
And a Czech one two, Czech one two.
I know you all think this joke is a repost, but I thought adding this line might be Prague-ress.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit β‘So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked.
The monk replied "religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
The barkeep says, "You're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic"
The horse replies, "I don't think I am," and vanishes from existence. See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'l think; therefore, I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.
I know this might not be the place to post a question but I was wondering if any of you punny peeps can help me out? I got some free stamps and I want to mail a few potatoes out to my relatives. I know this is pretty stupid and a waste of time but I'm laughing at myself just thinking what their reactions and responses will be when they check their mailbox and see a potato. I want to write a potato pun somewhere on the potato. So of you're willing to help me do this; please leave me your potato puns for me to read and decide which ones I'll be using. Thank you for reading.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Whoβs on first?" might have turned out something like this:
Bud Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
Lou Costello: Thanks. Iβm setting up an office in my den and Iβm thinking about buying a computer.
Bud Abbott: Mac?
Lou Costello: No, the nameβs Lou.
Bud Abbott: Your computer?
Lou Costello: I donβt own a computer. I want to buy one.
Bud Abbott: Mac?
Lou Costello: I told you, my nameβs Lou.
Bud Abbott: What about Windows?
Lou Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
Bud Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?
Lou Costello: I donβt know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
Bud Abbott: Wallpaper.
http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/abbott-and-costello-meet-microsoft-windows/
Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.
The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, βI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.β
Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.
Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, βLetβs build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.β
Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.
Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didnβt care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didnβt want to spend too much time building.
Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.
Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.
Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.
The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.
Scott said, βLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!β
Pork Chop replied, βNo way JosΓ©! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!β
Scott, undeterred by the reply says, βThen Iβll huff, and Iβll puff, and Iβll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!β
Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.
Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scottβs massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hamboneβs house.
Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas
... keep reading on reddit β‘If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?
I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.
If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?
China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.
I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?
I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.
I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.
I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"
I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".
If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?
If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?
My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.
I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.
Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.
Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.
You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"
A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p
... keep reading on reddit β‘I said, βI think you might have to use the dressing room like everyone else.β
So this is a bit long, sorry about that.
Zorro and his best bud the Lone Ranger were riding through the desert one day, I forget where they were heading to or where they had come from, but we can safely assume shenanigans of some kind were the driving force.
They have been travelling for most of the day and are starting to get tired. There has been a discussion about making camp for the night, but as things are they have agreed to continue riding for a while longer, till the sun starts to set. Away and off to the west the Lone Ranger spies a plant that seems to have large pink flowers that hang in strips with white stripes running the length of them.
"Zorro, what's that over there?" he asks.
Zorro turns in his saddle and raises his hand to shield his eyes from the sun. "Ah, it looks like a bacon tree, quite common in these parts. Let's ride on, there is a good place an hour from now to set up camp."
The two friends ride on and as the sun is beginning to descend the have stopped and are making camp. As Zorro begins to make a fire he says to the Lone Ranger, "You know, I quite fancy some pork. You ride back to that bacon tree and get some for supper, and I'll finish setting up camp here."
"No problem Zorro, I won't be long" replies the Ranger, jumping back into the saddle and returning the way they came.
Time passes, and the sun begins to get low in the sky. 'Odd', thinks Zorro 'he should be back by now.' Another hour passes and the shadows are growing longer. 'I might have to go investigate, it's not like him to take his time.' More time passes, and, just as Zorro has decided that he must go search for his friend in the dwindling light, he hears the sound of Silver's hooves. Looking into the gathering gloom he sees his friend riding towards him. As the Lone Ranger nears Zorro can see the Lone Ranger is injured, there are cuts and bruises and he has an arrow through his hat.
"What on earth happened, Lone Ranger? Did you make it to the Bacon tree?"
The Lone Ranger dismounts and sighs heavily.
"That weren't no Bacon tree, Zorro. That was an Hambush."
After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.
Many years passed by like that.
At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.
With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:
-
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:
-
Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.
A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:
-
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the strangerβs hand and immediately he asked:
-
Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasnβt in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didnβt even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:
-
Thank you
I donβt think any of his punches connected. You might say he mist.
It's an Autobotography.
My kids didn't think it was funny. Thought you guys might get a good groan out of it.
GF: Gonna make nuggets for dinner can you preheat the oven for me?
Me: Sure what temp?
GF: Whatever the nuggets say.
Me: Holding the bag of frozen nuggets to my ear for a moment. Babe they aren't saying anything. I think they might be dead.
GF: I'm leaving you.
When my son got up this morning he said he wasn't feeling well and might not be able to go to school (he's in 1st grade). When I got to work I texted my wife and asked how he was doing.
Wife: He's fine. He just had to poop.
Me: So what you're saying is... he was full of shit?
I think I showed at least 15 people at work that text exchange before I left for the day.
So at work recently theres this vegan burger called the impossible burger. when we pack them up we have to label the number of burgers and the name of them. Typically I wouldn't mess with that stuff since it might throw off the person restocking but the containers they put it all in makes it all quite apparent which ones are which burger. Anywho I began making puns on the labels starting with "kim-possible burger" and I wanted to see what you all could come up with. (I also did the small pee-pee burger but that wasn't really a pun). Anyways plz comment what you can think of that would be a pretty cool pun for the list and I will compile it all together. Thanks and regards, Thomas
Here's a joke my dad told me. Sorry if you've heard it, but I found it hilarious, and I think you might enjoy it.
In a small town in the suburbs, there was a small family of balloons. There was a mummy balloon, a daddy balloon, and a small child balloon. Every night the boy would sleep between his parents, but his father had had enough.
"son, I know you love sleeping between us, but you're getting a bit too old for it., " the father said. "You're nearly 8, you're a big boy, and your mother and I think you should sleep in your own bed from now on. You can stay tonight but starting tomorrow we want you in your own bed. Do you understand?"
"Yeah dad, I understand..." the boy said with a maudlin tinge to his voice.
"okay son, I love you."
"love you too dad"
The next night the boy tried sleeping in his own bed, but there was a storm outside. It was a dark, ominous storm - the kind of storm that sounds like a cataclysm for the end of the world.
The boy was scared, so he went to sleep in his parents room. However when he tried to squeeze between them, he found he didn't fit. He felt defeated. He felt scared. He felt alone.
But then an idea struck him. He decided he'd just let a little bit of air out of his father. He tried to squeeze in again, but had no such luck. So he let a little bit of air out of his mother. He tried again. Still no luck. Finally, he decided to let some air out of himself. Success! He squeezed in tightly and drifted off to sleep.
The next morning his parents were furious. His father was feeling particularly angry, and screamed at his son.
"son, I told you not to sleep in our room. I told you to sleep in your own bed! Didn't I say that Hun?"
"yes dear," the mother said, feeling slightly deflated.
"so son, what do you have to say for yourself?" the father asked in anger.
"it was dark and stormy and..." the boy tried to spit out.
"I don't care son!" the father interrupted. "you can't keep doing this! I'm very disappointed. You've let me down, you've let me down, but worst of all..."
So the two girls get invited to a dance. The country girl thinks this might be too high brow for her, and tells her cousin, βGolly, them city fellers might think Iβm just a dumb hick.β Her cousin says, βDonβt worry. Just do as I do and youβll be fine.β After hours of dancing they got tired, so they sat down. Another guy comes and asks the city girl to dance. She smiles sweetly and says βIβm contemplating matrimony and I think Iβd like to sit.β So when the next guy comes up to ask the country girl to dance she smiles confidently and says, βIβm constipated on macaroni and I think Iβd like to shit.β
Me: So you think he might be born by midnight?
Her: I dunno...we might get in there and the triage nurse says I'm only 1cm
Me: Hmmm...I think you're more like 5'2"
It went down as well as you might expect.
It's either pictures of birds or things like these:
"Did you hear about the hipster who burnt his tongue? He ate pizza way before it was cool!"
"I heard they found that girl Amber who was missing." (There was an Amber alert in MD that day)
"Know what happens when you take "the" out of psychotherapist."
"If life gives you melons, You might be dyslexic."
"Six more weeks of winter isn't so bad when you consider the official first day of spring is seven weeks away."
"At first, I hated the speed bump they put in my front street... But I'm slowly getting over it."
"Why is it impossible for a horse to major in philosophy? You can't put DeCartes before the horse!"
"Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank gourmet coffee before it was cool."
"Q. How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Fish"
"I was going to take all of my old watches and hook them together to make a belt... But then I realized that would be a waist of time."
"Why all the fuss about the Redskins changing their name.
Just change the mascot to a Potato.
Then it's not only un-offensive but delicious."
"I think the NSA is spying on me. They're leavesdropping in my yard."
His car crashes into a tree, and he escapes unhurt though his car is badly damaged. However, he needs to find somewhere to stay overnight. The man wanders alnog the road until he comes across a monastery. He knocks on the door, and a friendly monk answers.
Man: I've crashed my car and need a place to stay tonight, might I have one of your rooms?
Monk: of course, come right this way.
The monk shows the man to a room, and the man goes to sleep. At midnight, the man is awoken by a loud thumping on the ceiling. He thinks nothing of it and goes to bed, sleeping soundly the rest of the night.
The next day at breakfast he asks one of the monks about the thumping. The monk replies,"sorry, I can't tell you you aren't a monk". The man figures that that's a pretty fair response, and goes to try and fix his car.
After working on the car all day, the man returns to the monastery and asks to stay another night. The monks of course oblige, and the man goes back to the same room. This night, he is awakened by the same thumping, this time even louder. He wonders about it and eventually drifts off to sleep.
The next day, the man continues to work on the car, and needs to stay just one more night to complete it. The monks are happy to give him a room, but the man asks to me moved to a different room so he won't hear the thumping. The man goes to bed but is awakened by even louder thumping.
He decides to go investigate, and climbs the stairs, only to find a locked iron door, with the thumping coming from behind it. Unsatisfied, he goes back to bed.
The next morning, he asks the lead monk about the thumping. The lead monk replies,"sorry, can't tell you you aren't a monk". The man, filled with curiosity, asks the leader how to become a monk. The leader gives him 3 tasks: the first, to circumnavigate the globe, to learn about culture, the second task, to cut an entire field with scissors to learn patience, and the third, to memorize the entire monk book, to learn discipline.
The man completes all the tasks, and the leader takes him up to the iron door and pulls out a key. He opens the door to reveal the Monk's greatest secret.
If you're wondering what it is, I'm sorry, I can't tell you, you aren't a monk.
So, I realize this isn't entirely in the spirit of dad jokes, but I think you all will get a groan or three in the end...
Basically, my dad is the epitome of /r/dadjokes. He is a walking talking dadjoke. So, it was quite the shock to our family when we recently found out that he has stage 4 Cholangiocarcinoma (the Bad Luck Brian of cancers.) and doesn't have much longer to live. Anyhow, his favorite image on the internet is of a dead deer on the side of the road with a "Get well soon" balloon tied to its leg. It cracks him up. Tickles him pink in fact...so, being the morbid family we are, that lead to this...
http://imgur.com/h2cCZQq
He might be dying, but I still call him dad, and he is still quick with a joke. As you can see his sense of humor hasn't gone anywhere. Our family's sense of humor is what gets us all through. I believe my favorite bad joke through all of this was his buddy who said, "Frank, that is the worst spray tan I've ever seen in my life." (You see, the cancer is shutting down his liver and he appears yellow from jaundice.)
I'm not looking for any sympathy here, dad's die all the time. That's a tough fact of life. I just wanted to spread a fine dadjoke.
Thanks for reading.
They might think you're stalking them
Family and I went on a fancy boat tour of a local rich lake. The captain provided a running narrative over the intercom about the history of the houses, etc.
Captain: You'll notice all the piers look the same on the lake. There's no law governing that, everyone just agrees they should use the same color and materials. Some might call that "pier pressure."
Crowd: (groans)
Me: I think we need to dock him some points for that one...
Wife: (groans and pretends not to know me)
Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit
There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.
About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.
The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.
The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".
"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.
"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."
The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."
The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"
The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."
The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"
The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."
"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.
Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper gr
... keep reading on reddit β‘I posted this over on r/MaliciousCompliance and was told that it might fit over here as well.
> Wife: "I think I left my phone on the nightstand. Would you please run up the stairs for me, dear?"
> Me: "Sure, hon."
> I dash up the stairs, turn around at the top and come charging down the stairs again.
> Me: "Phew, that was fun. Good idea."
> Wife: "..."
For the record, my dad didn't say any of these. Also, they get kind of weird near the end.
My vacuum sucks, or, rather, doesn't suck.
That drawing looks sketchy. Something about it looks... shady.
Lightbulb is a smart guy. Some might even say he's bright.
"Mmm, cheesy" he says as he takes the macaroni out of the oven.
When entering a planetarium, my father mentioned how he'd like some cookies with his Milky Way.
Oreolas = cookie nipples (Couldn't really think of a way to set this one up that didn't make it even more awkward.)
"Underwear? Under there?" My dad mentioned as he put his pants away.
Edit: If you've any others, share them in the comments!
So I was talking to my friend on Skype, and my dad walks up,
"Hey, (friend's name), be careful. Teddifus has a cold and I think he coughed on the screen. You might get a computer virus."
Gold.
I might have assthma, butt it could be type two diabooties. I hope these puns aren't bumming you out, they're just for the crack. I don't mean to be cheeky, although I might be scraping the bottom of the barrel. Butt some of them are easy to get behind
You don't have to be anal about it, its not like you're the butt of the joke. I mean anusthing is possible, I think I'm getting to the rear end of these puns now.
It's asstounding how long this is lasting. I mean I don't want to half-ass it. Okay, I'll leave out the back door, but its so dark out, I can even see the full moon!
Just kidding I'm back.... side. Okay okay I'll bring it to a robust end. It's all behind me now.
There are three classes of cheerios, the lower class (plain ol' cheerios), the middle class cheerios (frosted), and the elite class (honey nut). One soggy morning in Seattle, a plain cheerio awoke in his single room apartment. He looked out at the still sleepy city, blanketed in a mist of rain. He quickly got dressed and put his shoes on, this would be the day. He stood propped against the bus stop, smoking a cigarette. "God I have got to stop this habit." He thought to himself. Glancing back and forth at the bustle of cheerios, he saw her. She looked about 25, devastatingly gorgeous, and he could smell the honey from where he stood. "Excuse me ma'am," his voice quivered, "I - I think you might be the most beautiful cheerio I have ever seen." She smiled and her otherwise golden brown face grew red. " This is a long shot, but will you marry me?' She was obviously caught off guard by this, but her red lips formed the word, "Yes." They raced through the morning mist of the city, and arrived at her fathers house. The cheerio bent down in front of her father. "Sir, I would like to ask for your blessing in marrying your daughter" "No! You are a regular cheerio and my daughter needs a high quality honey nut" he snapped. "But sir." "No means no damnit!" "Sir this is very unrea-" "You come back a honey nut and you'll have my blessing, my daughter is not about to marry a low life like you." The cheerio sprinted home, tears streaming down his face. He fumbled against the lock and sprawled out on his bed. When he awoke it was early, his sheets had a dark silhouette from his wet jacket. He sat up and lit a cigarette. "Damn." he sighed to himself. Walking in front of his mirror, he noticed something different. His body was frosted! He had become a frosted cheerio! He darted out the door without shoes, reaching the honey nut household in no time at all. He banged on the door, and the beauty's father answered. "Sir I am a changed cheerio! I'm frosted!" he exclaimed. Her father had a stern look on his face. "You think you are any better? The dirt on my boots are worth more than you." he hissed. The old honey nut slammed the door on the young frosted. He heard the deadbolt click. The newly frosted cheerio didn't take the same way home. He stood on the edge of a bridge, feeling the cool autumn wind on his sugar coated skin. Was he really going to go through with this? Was it worth it? No he was a frosted cheerio now. He couldn't get the girl, but he was a changed cheerio. He
... keep reading on reddit β‘My dad has this habit of pretending he didn't hear what you said, and then "repeating" it. Like if I said I was going to see an art show, he'll say, "You're going to a FART show? I had no idea you'd have any interest in that!" Lots of jokes along those lines, amongst others.
When I was younger I would laugh because he was kinda funny, and also to make him happy, but as I've gotten older I laugh not JUST because he's funny (in a corny way) but because the fact he still makes these jokes makes me so happy and really warms my heart. My mom is physically disabled, my dad has a bunch of health issues, we've all suffered terribly at times because of all this illness. And no matter how bad it gets, my dad is always there trying his hardest to put a smile on other people's faces and to lighten the mood a bit with his jokes. I've always been the type of girl to mope and be depressed when things are hard, but as I've gotten older I've tried to be more like my old man because I think it's something really special and admirable and selfless about stepping outside of your own negativity to give others something to laugh at or smile about. My dad is such a fuckin hero, I love him so much, and I can't imagine how unbearable this world would seem at times without him trying to make us all laugh.
So to all you dads telling your corny dad jokes, don't ever stop. Your kids and wife might groan or roll their eyes, but inside they love their corny old man and appreciate the goofy puns and fart jokes you tell!
Just dropped this one on the guy I'm seeing: Him - Did you see the fog this morning? Me - No, I only got up 20 minutes ago so I mist it.
He thinks I'm funny because he laughed!! I think it might be love ha ha :)
This sub started out so great. It was a place with funny dad jokes and silly stories about horrible jokes that dads have made to clerks or waiters or whoever. Now this place might as well just be /r/jokes or /r/punny because that's all that ever gets posted here.
It seems that in every comment section of any post, somebody will make a joke and the top reply just says "/r/dadjokes" so I think that is what is contributing to this decrease in quality (unless I'm just imagining it, but I've seen a vocal section of you who complain too)
So can we try to get back to what this sub used to be? I don't really know what could be done, but I'm sure our moderator(s) can make a new rule or something
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
- Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
- It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
- What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
- Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
- Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
- Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
- If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
- Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
- Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
- American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
- The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
- Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
- Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
- Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
- Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
- Rittal me this, Batman!
- Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
- Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
- If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
- When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
- You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
- Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
- Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
- Don't think Seton is
Wife called me while i was driving home from work and asked me to stop at Kroger and get potatoes, as she forgot them for dinner. Also told me I might as well get beer (yay).
So i walk in the grocery store and check out the beer situation. Nothing on sale, eh. So i decide to buy the potatoes and walk to the liquor store next door as they stores share a parking lot and I'm not driving 200 feet.
I go to the liquor store, grab my juice and head to the counter. "Anything else?" The clerk says. Raising the beer and potatoes I respond, "I'll take the beer but i don't think this vodka is ready yet!"
He didn't find it funny but I was thinking of you guys the whole time!!!
My friend (L) and I (B) ended up in a pun war. She had to wake up super early to catch a flight, and this was at about one in the morning:
L: I should definitely set my alarm to 'cow' o.O
B: Haha, do it. Nothing like waking up to cows in the 'moo'rning.
L: Oh my gosh. Absolutely not.
B: Hey, but it would be so 'udder'ly hilarious!
L: I just got stabbed to death by a pun.
B: I'm just trying to 'milk' it for all it's worth...
L: If I did that, I'm not sure I'd wake up in a happy 'moo'od.
B: Just drink some 'calf'inated coffee, and you'll be fine.
L: I'd be laughing 'stock' of the town... Cows don't have a sense of humor.
B: Bull!
L: I'll just use my cowculator do determine how much sleep I'm actually going to get tonight...
B: You could wake up a little later, but you'd have to 'hoof' it to the airport.
L: Hope the weather is good, so my plane isn't 'ground'ed 'beef'.
B: That's stretching it... You should make more of an 'heifer't to come up with good puns.
L: I know when I'm getting creamed.
B: It's hard to 'steer' you in the right direction, because you keep changing topics.
L: That's udderly ridiculous. I'm just trying to mooove on.
B: And I just keep churning 'em out...
L: No, you're just spinning your 'veal's.
B: That's one of the best ones I've herd all night!
L: I thought I might've butchered it...
B: PETA might have a beef with you because of it, though...
L: Well done, well done...
B: I don't think they care leather or not you personally slaughtered it, too.
L: See now, I wish you'd stop 'grilling' me about the bad puns... You should 'patty' yourself on the back. I 'dairy' you to come up with more.
B: Well, you can certainly steak a claim for being able to hold your own...
L: I'm a natural 'barn' comedian. However, I really should quit 'yak'king and go to bed. :p
B: Okay, that's not cows... You lose. You 'cud' have done a lot better.
L: The grass is greener on the other side, okay? Also, cows live in barns, and yaks are related to cows.
B: It was still quite a stretch... Don't have a cow about it.
L: Ha anymoo. Goodnight! Also, don't die of mad cow disease.
[Sorry for the wall of text, I just wanted to share this with you]
Ok, so technically this was before I knew I was a dad at the time, and it happened a long time ago, so I'm paraphrasing it a bit (have to leave out some details. It's work related lol), but I'm really proud of it.
I was having this workplace dispute with this really snively guy who was being a bit of a prick about some work assignment he was really proud of. Long story short, he was worried about someone else taking credit for something and wanted me to talk to our boss about it for him (What does he think I am lol). Anyway, as I'm walking away I hear him coughing. So I turn around, and with this great big smile on my face, I'm like:
"Don't choke on your aspirations, mate."
Anyway, I thought it was a great line. I was smiling all the way back to my office. I don't know why it came to my mind at that moment, but it wasn't long before I'd meet my kids for the first time in years, and it was really great to reconnect with them.
Anyway, my kids are pretty popular (my son's a school teacher, so I don't want to embarrass him in front of the kids), and my daughter would be mortified to hear a dadjoke this terrible great so I'd appreciate if you didn't mention any details about me in the comments (might spoil their evening lol) it was just a nice little moment.
Anyway, just wanted to share the moment with you guys.
D. [To the mods, I know this is a kind of just a pun, but I thought it was worth posting here. I hope you guys understand.]
My daughter asked me:
"Is unexpectedly a word?"
I said "Yeah."
She said:
"How do you spell it?"
I said:
"Well, not in the way you might think . . . "
(I'm not so great at these, but I was pretty proud of myself -and that's what makes it a Dadjoke.)
Before I start; a golden gaytime is an ice cream that's pretty big in Australia.
So we went to the servo to get an ice cream. We were having a look when my cousin says "Hmm, I think I might have a Gaytime", to which I replied "Well when you're done just buy an ice cream and meet us at home."
So at work a female co-worker says ''you know what I never understood? Why does a 1.5 liter bottle of coke weigh more than a 1.5 liter bottle of water? I'd love to be able to carry a big bottle of coke around like a carry around water but it's too heavy and awkward.'' I said ''You should switch to coke light''. I think that might be the last thing she'l ever say to me.
My roommate isn't a fan of reading. "It's a waste of time," according to him, so he prefers movies. After finishing a movie today he told me it happened to be based on real events, saying he might have to look it up. The following was our IM.
Me: Neat, that sounds like a good read, yeah?
Roomie (b/c the movie had a sex scene): But words don't have tits, so there's one problem, lol
Me: Lord. Maybe you should try reading some smut sometime. It's puts on sunglasses titillating! Yyyyeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!
Roomie: Guh. Awful
I think I owe him a pint, now.
My dad and I were driving toward my house and we passed Upson lane. Without really thinking about it I said "oh there's Upson" and he said "what's Upson?" and I replied "not much dad what's up with you?"
He didn't find it nearly as amusing as I did. I thought you guys might appreciate it like I did.
Edit: typo
Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.
While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).
I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)
The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."
I like pscycholinguistics β the only department of linguistics where itβs acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.
Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)
What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"
Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.
I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)
I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".
I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten
... keep reading on reddit β‘Around the breakfast table we were discussing what kinds of things in nature are naturally blue.
Me: I think the blood of the horseshoe crab is blue.
Brother: What's a horseshoe crab?
Dad: You might know it as a king crab.
Me: No, that's another... ooooh.
And groans ensued.
Dad: I dunno, I'm kinda tired
Bro: Yeah, I don't think I could handle that right now
Dad: I think we've already spoken about this
Bro: Give me a brake, dad
Dad: What, you can't keep the chain of puns going?
Bro: I can kick it into a higher gear
Dad: I might have to reflect on your puns for a minute
Bro: As long as you don't tread over any of my good ones
Dad: Wheel see how long you can keep this up
Me: Hey, I like...bikes
Dad: ΰ² _ΰ²
Bro: ΰ² _ΰ²
Mom: β_β
This might be a bit long? My family isn't the brightest of individuals.
Sister: My balls are caught in the door!
Me: LOL, WHAT?
Sister: The poof balls on my shoes.
**Grandpa**: I saw you took my junk out of your car and threw it into my car.
**Grandma**: *grins and nods*
**Grandpa**: You're so sweet.
**Grandma**: And I saw lotto tickets too.
**Grandpa**: I dunno where those came from.
**Grandma**: Uh-huh. Probably a damn $5 dollar ticket too.
**Grandpa**: No, $2.
**Me**: He doesn't know where they came from, but he knows how much they cost.
**Grandpa**: *starts adding more to my list of chores*
~
**Grandpa**: It's kinda hot in here.
**Grandma**: NO IT'S NOT, Take off your damn clothes if you're hot.
**Grandpa**: Is that all you ever want me to do, take my clothes off?!
**Me**: OH DEAR GOD, I'M RIGHT HERE.
~
**TV**: The line, "To be, or not to be. That is the question!" is from which Shakespeare play?
**Grandma**: Julius Caesar, right?
**Me**: Wow.
~
**Me**: How can you NOT like that movie. It has WILL SMITH.
**Grandma**: *thinks* Is it that movie, and he has a partner?!
**Me**: YES. And he's in the west and there's that giant spider at the end!
**Grandma**: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!
**ME**: I DID.
~
**Grandpa**: I need to get a tree saw.
**Grandma**: What's a tree saw...
**Me**: A TREE SAW. A saw, that saws trees. You can't simplify it anymore than that.
~
*while watching American Idol*
**Me**: Omg, that guy's nose is HUGE.
**Grandpa**: If he sniffs really hard, he could overdose on oxygen.
~
**Grandpa**: I'm looking for my camouflage underwear, but they're camouflaged so well, that I can't find them!
~
*Sister rambles on about hating cats and how they're scary*
**Me**: You're just a weenie, Tyla.
**Tyla**: Oh yeah? Well at least Papa loves weenies!
*Me and Papa look at each other*
**Me**: I sure as hell hope Papa does NOT like weenies.
~
*As we drive home, the tornado siren goes off*
**Kaylah**: Have you ever seen it?
**Me**: ...Seen what?
**Kaylah**: The car with the siren.
**Me**: What in the hell are you talking about?
**Kaylah**: Isn't the tornado siren on a car that drives around town?
**Me**: ......
~
*While driving through Alton one morning*
**Grandma**: Here, take a sip of this.
**Me**: Ew. Coffee is nasty.
**Grandma**: No it isn't! It wakes ya up, and puts hair on your chest!
~
*Grandma walks out of the bathroom and wipes her wet hands on my face*
**Grandma*My gf was obsessing over these batman pajamas when she said...
"OMG I want these so bad, i think i might just have to sell my body for them." (obviously implying prostitution)
"But then what would you put them on?"
Dad: what's a pirate's favorite letter? Me: That's easy, "arrr" Dad: you'd think so but you'd be wrong. Its the "C" Me: groan Dad: But wait there's more... actually it might be the "P", because without a p a pirate is just irate! Me: I'm so done
A guy walks into his dentist's office and says "Doc, I think I might be a moth."
The dentist replies, "ok.....so why did you come in here?"
The man says, "because the light was on."
Lady and a Man talking about trees.
Lady: Well this is a nice christmas tree! Wood you put something like this in your house?
Man: Yes, it's very nice. It wood really spruce up the place.
Lady: It's rather plane, it could use some decorations.
Man: Oh I think it's so pretty my eyes are watering up, I might Balsam.
Not really a joke but I think you guys might appreciate it
Sometimes I find funny or cool videos about rc planes/drones on the internet and send them to him at home. So I found a video of someone crashing a 3.000$ drone at the first try to bring it up. My dad crashed his drone at new years eve but he got it to fly for a few minutes.
So I called my parents to check up on them and talked to my dad for a while, asking him if he get the video I sent him
Dad : "Yeah I got it, wasn't funny though. Remember new years"
Me : "well at least you got it up"
Dad : bursts out laughing "Hahaha I sure got it up" leaves the phone laughing and tells my mom what I said
I'm just sitting there while my mom joins my dad laughing
Setting the stage here. I am 21. My sister is 3 years old, she calls me "Bubba." After eating entirely too much at the restaurant, we climb into the car.
Mom: I am miserable.
Me: turn around, hand out Hi miserable, I'm 2fat2bebatman!
Mom: gives a "really?" look You might think you're funny, but you aren't.
Sister: without missing a beat of course he's not "Funny," he's "Bubba."
Dad: Wheezy laugh
Bless my little sister.
My mother does not do well in hot weather, which is bad because we live in the desert. She was complaining today about the heat inside the house. My dad was being unsympathetic, so I come out of my room and she turns to me.
"Is it hot in here?" She asks me.
"I think it might just be me," I said with a smirk. Not getting it, she pushes harder.
"Are you hot?"
"Yes." *licks finger* *places finger on body* *sizzle*
She just gave me a look and my dad laughed.
Sitting at dinner with my 8yo son. I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up, he said, an NBA player or a soccer player. I said, "what's something you'd be that isn't sports related?" he said "probably a computer machine" I think he meant, computer programmer, engineer..
So to take advantage of the situation and get him to eat, I said "well son, if you want to be a computer machine, you better take some... 'Mega Bytes' of that Chilli!" hilarity ensued as you might have guessed :)
Yesterday I was watching T.V. with my family when a commercial for the new Honda Fit came on. If you've never seen it, the basic gist is, people ask the main man "Will (blank) fit in?" Two minotaurs come on screen and ask and here's what happened:
Mom: I really doubt a Minotaur would fit.
Dad: Maybe they're Mini-taurs.
Groans were had by all.
For the second one I was texting a friend and she said:
Her: I think I have a problem. I've ate ham almost nonstop since that party. Now I'm really sad it's almost gone. I might be addicted.
Me: I guess you'll have to quit cold ham.
Dad via text: Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Me: I think this might be the first time you've sent me a new joke in several months. Please bring back the old jokes...
but it's snot
The bartender says "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"
The horse says "I don't think I am..." and promptly vanishes from existence.
See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy, "I think, therefore I am."
But if I had explained that before the rest of the joke, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked
the monk replied "Religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked
the monk replied "Religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
"What happened?" he asked.
I said, "It was my son's birthday. I got a little drunk. I fell over face first into his birthday cake, then when I got up I banged my arm on the table. Terrible bruising."
"Hmm," he said, "have you tried putting ice on it?"
I said, "No. Do you think that's a good idea?"
He said, "Yes, it might salvage what is left of the cake."
You might think its funny but its snot.
You might think it's R, but it's actually the C
My girlfriend got me with this one
Me: What are you doing today? Dad: I was thinking of going to the weather bureau, they're having a convention of sorts. Me: Do you think that might be something (my two-year-old) would enjoy? Dad: Well it's a bunch of nerdy weather stuff, I'm afraid some of it would be over his head. Me: Well isn't all weather over his head?
You might think it's RRRRRR, but it's actually the C!
Dad: "I think we might need some cat food."
Me: "But we don't have a cat."
Dad: "Well you're such a pussy I thought you might appreciate it."
