You had me in the first half, not gonna lie.
πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stunner19
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dad that has changed gender and can’t lie?

Transparent

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/manpatpost
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a girl who can't lie?

Polly Graff

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Datolite7
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who has the ability to pull off a lie in every situation?

A Liability

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
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How can you tell when Truth tells a lie?

When it makes a False move.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zxphenomenalxz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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You know, sometimes, as I lie in bed, looking up into the great night sky, counting each star and watching the moon slowly float by, I think to myself:

"Where the fuck is my roof?"

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LucasAllenSimms
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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Advice for girls: Find a man with a job, a man that makes you laugh, a man who doesn't lie to you, and a man who spoils you.

And make sure that these four men don't know each other.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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What do you get when Hitler doesn't lie, then lies once, then again, then two more times, then three times, then five, then eight, then thirteen times?

A fibber Nazi sequence.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dragondorkdad
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
🚨︎ report
what do you call a lie Australia

A kangaruse

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/datdragonfruittho
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2018
🚨︎ report
You can't lie when getting an x-ray

They see right through you

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NoTipNoWorries
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
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My dad is a religious man, and whenever I would lie as a kid, he would say, β€œDo you know where liars go?”

β€œNot where they say they’re going.”

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tehPWNwhale
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2018
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What do call an animal that knows if you're lying?

Sealion

πŸ‘︎ 221
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Passw0rdSUCKS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear what happened when a man lied about his credentials to get in the band?

It was quite a con on drum ...

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ashjmc89
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
How can you catch on if somebody is lying?

They’re neither sitting nor standing!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/throwaway66878
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
How can you tell if ghosts are lying?

It’s easy. You can see right through them.

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/battycoati
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Misunderstanding on purpose

My favourite 'dad joke' is purposefully misunderstanding the kids and watching their disbelief as they try and reword things so even an idiot can understand. We have a family app so they need permission to download some apps onto their devices (because we are "controlling" πŸ™‚).

So every now and then this will happen:

Child : Can I get an app?

Me : sure, if you're tired just go and lie down.

Child: no, an APP

Me: yes, lie DOWN

Child: No, I need an... I want a...I just want...an app.

Me: or an early night?

Child: weary sigh

Me: you do look tired

  • thinking I'm the best joker in history*

That was a short version. If it didn't make sense, read it aloud.

The kids will put me in a home at the first opportunity.

πŸ‘︎ 224
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πŸ‘€︎ u/user_error101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
My boyfriend’s cat, Jack, recently discovered the Amazon box lying on the floor. He jumped in and started playing in it. I guess you can say....

He’s Jack in the box.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsmeeeskai
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know ghosts can't tell lies?

You can see right through them.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roeswood
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you fix a municipality with lies?

With a mend-a-city program :)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrCalifornian
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. β€œWe had sex education today, dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

β€œOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Out-dadded by my 5 y/o niece

I'm staying at her mothers house, and she said, it's only 8:30 pm and everyone's already ready for bed.

My niece chimes in and says, "not me.", to which i respond, "You don't count."

Without missing a beat, she said, "Yes i do. One, two, three, four."

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/redneckvet
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Just got back from the grocery store they said all you need is gloves and a mask- they lied

everyone else was wearing clothes

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deepspacesquid
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't you hate it when a teacher lies and says the homework will be a piece of cake?

It always tastes like paper.

πŸ‘︎ 533
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?

Matt.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
🚨︎ report
A long time bachelor met a girl in a bar with a glass eye.

As she sat down next to him her glass eye fell to the floor next to his stoll. He picked it up and handed it back to her.

They chatted all night and hit it off pretty well and eventually started dating.

One day while lying in bed, he turns to her and asks:

"Why me? Out of all the guys that were at the bar that night, why did you choose me?"

She looked at him surprised and said:

"Well, you caught my eye."

πŸ‘︎ 102
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RealitiesOfWar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Rick Astley will never give it to you, so be careful.
πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spelan1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?

Russle.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/glassishalfull
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, which promptly lays down on the floor. The barman says, β€œOi mate, you cant leave that lying there!”

The man says, β€œIt’s not a lion it’s a giraffe”

πŸ‘︎ 177
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomsonc014
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call gumbo that only tells lies?

Jumbaliar

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DaRealesJumly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report
If you're lying in bed, can you tell the truth?
πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatGamer581
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
🚨︎ report
You lied to me!

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/H-KEVIN
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can tell when they’re standing too.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person who lies awake at night ?

A liar

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wakanda4eva4eva
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture

I have a hunch, it might be me.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PeevesPoltergist
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife said, "Did you know a bunch of cows lying down means it's going to rain?"

I replied, "Their legs must get really tired during a drought."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drjohnson89
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door?

Matt

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordDobbington
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a lying toilet?

Full of shit

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sierra-159
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2018
🚨︎ report
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. β€œWe had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

β€œOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”

πŸ‘︎ 211
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?

Matt.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?

Matt

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Faiz_Clan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?

Matt.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?

Matt.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?

Matt.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report

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