You had me in the first half, not gonna lie.
π︎ 7k
π
︎ May 11 2020
What do you call a dad that has changed gender and canβt lie?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 27 2020
What do you call a girl who can't lie?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 30 2020
What do you call someone who has the ability to pull off a lie in every situation?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 01 2020
How can you tell when Truth tells a lie?
When it makes a False move.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 26 2020
You know, sometimes, as I lie in bed, looking up into the great night sky, counting each star and watching the moon slowly float by, I think to myself:
"Where the fuck is my roof?"
π︎ 18
π
︎ Feb 13 2020
Advice for girls: Find a man with a job, a man that makes you laugh, a man who doesn't lie to you, and a man who spoils you.
And make sure that these four men don't know each other.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 06 2019
What do you get when Hitler doesn't lie, then lies once, then again, then two more times, then three times, then five, then eight, then thirteen times?
π︎ 30
π
︎ Oct 30 2018
what do you call a lie Australia
π︎ 26
π
︎ May 23 2018
You can't lie when getting an x-ray
They see right through you
π︎ 11
π
︎ Oct 11 2018
My dad is a religious man, and whenever I would lie as a kid, he would say, βDo you know where liars go?β
βNot where they say theyβre going.β
π︎ 12
π
︎ Apr 28 2018
What do call an animal that knows if you're lying?
π︎ 221
π
︎ Dec 25 2020
Did you hear what happened when a man lied about his credentials to get in the band?
It was quite a con on drum ...
π︎ 12
π
︎ Feb 26 2021
How can you catch on if somebody is lying?
Theyβre neither sitting nor standing!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
How can you tell if ghosts are lying?
Itβs easy. You can see right through them.
π︎ 54
π
︎ Aug 12 2020
Misunderstanding on purpose
My favourite 'dad joke' is purposefully misunderstanding the kids and watching their disbelief as they try and reword things so even an idiot can understand. We have a family app so they need permission to download some apps onto their devices (because we are "controlling" π).
So every now and then this will happen:
Child : Can I get an app?
Me : sure, if you're tired just go and lie down.
Child: no, an APP
Me: yes, lie DOWN
Child: No, I need an... I want a...I just want...an app.
Me: or an early night?
Child: weary sigh
Me: you do look tired
- thinking I'm the best joker in history*
That was a short version. If it didn't make sense, read it aloud.
The kids will put me in a home at the first opportunity.
π︎ 224
π
︎ Apr 08 2021
My boyfriendβs cat, Jack, recently discovered the Amazon box lying on the floor. He jumped in and started playing in it. I guess you can say....
π︎ 13
π
︎ Oct 01 2020
Did you know ghosts can't tell lies?
You can see right through them.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 05 2020
How do you fix a municipality with lies?
With a mend-a-city program :)
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 10 2020
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. βWe had sex education today, dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!β I put down my newspaper, looked at her and saidβ¦
βOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.β
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Mar 10 2018
Out-dadded by my 5 y/o niece
I'm staying at her mothers house, and she said, it's only 8:30 pm and everyone's already ready for bed.
My niece chimes in and says, "not me.", to which i respond, "You don't count."
Without missing a beat, she said, "Yes i do. One, two, three, four."
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Oct 05 2020
Just got back from the grocery store they said all you need is gloves and a mask- they lied
everyone else was wearing clothes
π︎ 34
π
︎ Mar 30 2020
Don't you hate it when a teacher lies and says the homework will be a piece of cake?
It always tastes like paper.
π︎ 533
π
︎ Jul 17 2019
What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?
π︎ 32
π
︎ Oct 27 2019
A long time bachelor met a girl in a bar with a glass eye.
As she sat down next to him her glass eye fell to the floor next to his stoll. He picked it up and handed it back to her.
They chatted all night and hit it off pretty well and eventually started dating.
One day while lying in bed, he turns to her and asks:
"Why me? Out of all the guys that were at the bar that night, why did you choose me?"
She looked at him surprised and said:
"Well, you caught my eye."
π︎ 102
π
︎ Mar 22 2021
Rick Astley will never give it to you, so be careful.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Apr 14 2020
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 23 2019
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, which promptly lays down on the floor. The barman says, βOi mate, you cant leave that lying there!β
The man says, βItβs not a lion itβs a giraffeβ
π︎ 177
π
︎ Dec 19 2018
What do you call gumbo that only tells lies?
π︎ 11
π
︎ Dec 13 2019
If you're lying in bed, can you tell the truth?
π︎ 25
π
︎ Apr 16 2019
You lied to me!
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
π︎ 26
π
︎ Apr 10 2019
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when theyβre standing too.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Sep 05 2019
What do you call a person who lies awake at night ?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 10 2019
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Sep 08 2019
My wife said, "Did you know a bunch of cows lying down means it's going to rain?"
I replied, "Their legs must get really tired during a drought."
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 06 2019
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 25 2018
What do you call a lying toilet?
π︎ 47
π
︎ Jan 25 2018
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. βWe had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!β I put down my newspaper, looked at her and saidβ¦
βOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.β
π︎ 211
π
︎ Jun 05 2019
What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Nov 01 2019
What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 25 2020
What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Nov 13 2019
What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 25 2019
What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 28 2019
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