You had me in the first half, not gonna lie.
What do you call a dad that has changed gender and can’t lie?
What do you call a girl who can't lie?
How can you tell when Truth tells a lie?
When it makes a False move.
You know, sometimes, as I lie in bed, looking up into the great night sky, counting each star and watching the moon slowly float by, I think to myself:
"Where the fuck is my roof?"
Advice for girls: Find a man with a job, a man that makes you laugh, a man who doesn't lie to you, and a man who spoils you.
And make sure that these four men don't know each other.
What do you get when Hitler doesn't lie, then lies once, then again, then two more times, then three times, then five, then eight, then thirteen times?
what do you call a lie Australia
You can't lie when getting an x-ray
They see right through you
My dad is a religious man, and whenever I would lie as a kid, he would say, “Do you know where liars go?”
“Not where they say they’re going.”
What do call an animal that knows if you're lying?
Did you hear what happened when a man lied about his credentials to get in the band?
It was quite a con on drum ...
How can you catch on if somebody is lying?
They’re neither sitting nor standing!
How can you tell if ghosts are lying?
It’s easy. You can see right through them.
Misunderstanding on purpose
My favourite 'dad joke' is purposefully misunderstanding the kids and watching their disbelief as they try and reword things so even an idiot can understand. We have a family app so they need permission to download some apps onto their devices (because we are "controlling" 🙂).
So every now and then this will happen:
Child : Can I get an app?
Me : sure, if you're tired just go and lie down.
Child: no, an APP
Me: yes, lie DOWN
Child: No, I need an... I want a...I just want...an app.
Me: or an early night?
Child: weary sigh
Me: you do look tired
- thinking I'm the best joker in history*
That was a short version. If it didn't make sense, read it aloud.
The kids will put me in a home at the first opportunity.
My boyfriend’s cat, Jack, recently discovered the Amazon box lying on the floor. He jumped in and started playing in it. I guess you can say....
Did you know ghosts can't tell lies?
You can see right through them.
How do you fix a municipality with lies?
With a mend-a-city program :)
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. “We had sex education today, dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…
“Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”
Out-dadded by my 5 y/o niece
I'm staying at her mothers house, and she said, it's only 8:30 pm and everyone's already ready for bed.
My niece chimes in and says, "not me.", to which i respond, "You don't count."
Without missing a beat, she said, "Yes i do. One, two, three, four."
Just got back from the grocery store they said all you need is gloves and a mask- they lied
everyone else was wearing clothes
Don't you hate it when a teacher lies and says the homework will be a piece of cake?
It always tastes like paper.
What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?
A long time bachelor met a girl in a bar with a glass eye.
As she sat down next to him her glass eye fell to the floor next to his stoll. He picked it up and handed it back to her.
They chatted all night and hit it off pretty well and eventually started dating.
One day while lying in bed, he turns to her and asks:
"Why me? Out of all the guys that were at the bar that night, why did you choose me?"
She looked at him surprised and said:
"Well, you caught my eye."
Rick Astley will never give it to you, so be careful.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, which promptly lays down on the floor. The barman says, “Oi mate, you cant leave that lying there!”
The man says, “It’s not a lion it’s a giraffe”
What do you call gumbo that only tells lies?
If you're lying in bed, can you tell the truth?
You lied to me!
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they’re standing too.
What do you call a person who lies awake at night ?
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
My wife said, "Did you know a bunch of cows lying down means it's going to rain?"
I replied, "Their legs must get really tired during a drought."
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door?
What do you call a lying toilet?
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. “We had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…
“Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”
What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?
What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?
What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?
What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?
What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
