If you had a Tesla and it got stolen...
Would it now be an Edison?
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︎ Jan 11 2021
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
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︎ Jan 26 2021
Have you heard about the chicken that got kicked out because it was too big?
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︎ Feb 06 2021
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
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︎ Jan 08 2021
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
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︎ Jun 24 2020
My 6yo holds a slice of red pepper up to my face and breaks it towards me. Me: βUgh, what did you do that for. You got me all wet.β
βThat was pepper spray.β
Got me!
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︎ Oct 02 2020
I was on a game show and the final question was "What do you call a 3D painting made out of plaster?" I couldn't think of the answer and I was worried I'd lose all of the money. Then I got it right!
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︎ Sep 19 2020
I made up a joke about the sound a tap makes when you turn it on full blast, but no one got it.
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︎ Sep 08 2020
My kids got on the subject of lava & asked: βCan you drink it?!β
So I said, βSure! But itβll go right through you!β
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︎ Sep 02 2020
I walked into the kitchen to help my wife prepare dinner and exclaimed, "Thatβs a nice ham youβve got there honey! Itβd really be a shame if someone..."
"...put an βsβ at the front and an βeβ at the end!"
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︎ Jul 07 2020
You got to hand it to short people
They probably can't reach it anyways
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︎ Oct 08 2019
So i posted this OC in r/jokes a while ago and it only got 2 upvotes. Hoping you intellectuals will appreciate it more ....... Why do environmentalists iron their clothes?
To decrease the materials being used.
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︎ Jul 23 2019
You ever notice how George Washington only got a big stick, and everyone else got huge memorials? I guess that's why they call it the Washington Post.
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︎ Dec 09 2019
I made this joke on my old account but I got a new phone so ima say it again... What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?
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︎ Feb 06 2020
Darlings you got to let me know. Should I shave or should I grow? If I shave there could be stubble, and if I grow it could be double. So cβmon and let me know ohhhh..
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︎ Mar 13 2019
Did you know there used to be a story in the bible about a bank heist but it got removed
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︎ Mar 05 2020
Another one for the IT crowd (if you got this, you are old - sorry)
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︎ Aug 10 2019
βIβm afraid I have some very bad news,β the doctor says to this guy. βYouβre dying, and you donβt have much time left.β βOh, thatβs terrible!β says the man. βGive it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?β βTenβ¦β the doctor says slowly.
βNine... eightβ¦ seven...β
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︎ Sep 16 2019
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink
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︎ May 23 2019
If you got in a fight with a fish, how would you knock it out?
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︎ Feb 28 2019
Did you hear about the guy that robbed the library for every book they had? When questioned on how he did it he told authorities he basically talked the librarian into letting him. So i guess you could say he got a way with words.
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︎ Sep 10 2019
Patient: Doctor, I swallowed some rope last night Doctor: Have you got it out of you system yet? Patient: I'm a frayed knot
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︎ Aug 04 2019
You know how the dish soap Ajax got its name?
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︎ Jul 06 2019
A man got a vasectomy without telling his wife. When she finds out about it, she is livid. "Are you serious?" She screams.
"Yes, I'm not kidding you."
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︎ Jun 01 2016
Two doctors are out hiking and the first one trips and cuts his knee pretty badly on a rock. The second doctor says, "That looks pretty bad. Want me to stitch that up for you?" The first doctor says, "Nah, I got it."
The second doctor responds, "Suture self."
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︎ May 24 2019
Got an exciting new wallpaper. You could even say it's the definition of excitement.
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︎ Jan 25 2017
Got bored, started doodling. I thought you guys would like it.
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︎ Nov 24 2013
Son, have I ever told you the story of how Canada got it's name?
First, someone said,
"I think it should have a C, eh?"
Then another guy said,
"I think it should have an N, eh?"
Then a third guy said,
"I think it should have a D, eh?"
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︎ May 28 2018
How do you find out what a ghost got for its birthday?
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︎ Jun 29 2017
You've got to hand it to them,
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︎ Jun 16 2017
For the 2nd time in 4 years, I got my girlfriend to laugh at one of my daily dad jokes! Hope you like it too.
We are watching a dumb hallmark Christmas movie and the main guy owns a coffee shop. He is getting married and I make fun of the fact that his vows are all coffee puns.
So my girl yells, "well, he is a coffee person!"
Me- "no babe, he is just a human person."
(Her laugh was really a slight chuckle and a "you're so dumb", but dammit, I am taking the win!)
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︎ Dec 10 2015
My dad had to sing his joke to make sure we got it. Yeah, we got it the first time you said it.
(My sister preparing a pizza for dinner)
Sister: "There are almost no toppings on this pizza, It's just a base."
Dad: "Really? all about the base?"
Me: Yeah, she said there are no toppings on it.
Dad: "It's all about that base, about the base no toppings!"
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︎ Jan 17 2015
I told my uncle I'd finish my homework when I got around to it. I thought you all would appreciate his response.
He handed me one of these the next day: http://imgur.com/Uiz0tr7
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︎ Apr 01 2014
Hey dad, you got a new hair cut, do you like it?
Well, it's growing on me.
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︎ Jan 26 2014
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
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︎ Aug 22 2019
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
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︎ May 03 2020
You've really got to hand it to short people
Because they usually can't reach it anyways
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︎ Aug 02 2019
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