My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did
Daughter: "Quarantine."
Me: . . .
Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."
Did you hear about the mummy that came down with something?
He became a sarcoughphagus
(This is my first dad joke post And I know its not very good, If you have ideas on how to improve Id love to hear them!)
I came home and saw a note from my wife stuck on the fridge: “I’m sorry. This isn’t working. You take things too literally. Goodbye.”
She will be so happy when she finds out I ordered a new one.
Did you know Sully js gay? Well, he came out of the closet.
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
Did you hear about the goldfish that came in third place in the Olympics?
Turns out it was a bronzefish
You know, one good thing came out of quarantine
All my jokes became inside jokes
A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"
Slim to Nun?
(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)
I came up with the top ten reasons you shouldn't pee on an electric fence...
My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?
Twice dragons.
Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use “Wreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyou‘s for the kind words and awards.
My wife came home with a big bunch of flowers and says where would you like me to plant them.
I said I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips.
Did you heard about that band that came out of the Czech Republic?
I believe they are Prague rock.
What do you call a horse that came from the north?
Do you know which Knight it was who came up with the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
(My dad's a math teacher)
Did I tell you guys about the side-hustle plan I came up with? I’m going to do personal training for the band that recorded ‘Lola’ and ‘You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
Do you know how Thanos came up with his horrible plans?
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said ‘if you need anything, I’m Jill.’
I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him is that a Fret!
Did you hear about the pro wrestler who came up with a method to remove hemorrhoids by hammering them?
He called it the Pile Driver.
My 9yr old came up with: How do you greet someone who is laughing quietly?
My 10 year old came in with a piece of paper and said “Dad, I’ve got a joke for you.”
Then she ripped it in half and said, “Never mind, it’s tearable.”
I feel like I’ve succeeded as a dad.
Many years after the great flood, God came to Noah again and spoke: “Noah, it is my wish that you build another ark.”
Rather worried, Noah said “But my Lord, have the people not been good this time? Must there be another flood?”
“No, there will not be a flood, the people have been good.” Said the Lord.
“Then why another ark?” Asked Noah.
“I wish for this ark to only house fish.” The Lord replied.
A slightly confused Noah responded “Okay... I shall do as you wish my Lord.”
“But not just any fish; only carp.” The Lord said unto him.
Noah, now more bemused, replied “Uh- okay my Lord.”
“One more thing.” The Lord said unto him “it needs to have multiple levels.”
“Are you sure my Lord? What is the purpose of this? What on earth is it all for?” Noah pressed.
And God said:
“I want you to build a multi-story carp-ark.”
Passed from my father unto me, to pass onto my son when he becomes a father.
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. “We had sex education today, dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…
“Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”
My step-dad came up with this so hope it counts. What do you call a gay farmer?
My son just came in and asked, “if you scream into a colander...
...will you strain your voice?”
One California Redditor Dad came up with a dad joke so shocking that Reddit doesn’t want you to see it.
Did you hear they came up with a new version of tennis?
They're calling it elevennis.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
My son came home to find me slumped over the lawn mower crying my eyes out. He shouted over the noise, "You ok, pop?!" I shouted back...
"I'm fine!! I'm just going through a rough patch!"
My son came up to me today and asked, "can you please stop singing Wonderwall?"
"Hey honey did you hear they came out with a male birth control cream?"
It's being marketed as Son-block.
Did you hear that they came out with a cure for the Coronavirus?
Me neither... But apparently it's a riot!
There was a herd of cows on this big hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew all the smaller cows away. Puzzled, the rancher went up to one of the bulls that were still standing and asks,"How come you bulls are still standing?" The bull replies...
"Cuz we bulls wobble but we don't fall down."
An old woman goes to see the doctor. "I'm very gassy, but fortunately my farts are quiet and don't smell. In fact, I've farted three times since you came in, but know you haven't noticed at all."
The doc nods his head, gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week.
A week later, the old woman comes back and is very upset. "I'm still very gassy, but now my farts are really loud and smell like a porta-potty at a chili festival!"
The doc says "Well now that we've cleared up your hearing and sense of smell, we can do something about your gas!"
You're fired, Jack. The test results came back, and you tested positive for Coke
My dad and I were out for steak last night when the manager came around and asked "How did you find your steak?"
Dad goes, "I just moved the potato and there it was!"
My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did
Daughter: "Quarantine."
Me: . . .
Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I came home and saw a note from my wife stuck on the fridge: “I’m sorry. This isn’t working. You take things too literally. Goodbye.”
She will be so happy when she finds out I ordered a new one.
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. “We had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…
“Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”
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