You And I Puns

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

They had a long conversation about bark.

Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.

....you can safely wear it on your head... because it's capsized.

The therapist looks up from his paperwork, looks at the man, and says, "I'm busy at the moment, so I'll deal with you later."

"Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you."

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

"A TOE TRUCK!!??"

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"How about something to eat?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"What about some peanuts?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"

The anteater replies, "I was born with it!"

I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"

It said “Michelle”

I'll call it Popeyedol.

I said I looked at the mashed potatoes and the steak was right next to them.

She isn’t your friend anymore.

Spine.

Thanks, but I was looking for a treatment, not a compliment.

...not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

I said no honey, I said I was into resting.

I told them I was inclined to it.

"A person always wins!"

Now I just falafel.

If good;

The good news is there is no bad news.

If bad;

The bad news is there is no good news.

“I do!"

"But he didn't listen!"

Certainly Sir, said the receptionist...this is the Lobby.

Child: “ if you are being frank who is being dad?”

Actual conversation I heard in the store

Sorry, just had to heir my dirty laundry

That was the punchline

I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.

I said, “Yes please.”

Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”

Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.

He said, “Nope. Still have two.”

I just have to work out a few Kinks.

He'll come around eventually

Daughter: "Quarantine."

Me: . . .

Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."

He said, “I usually tell her about my job.”

“They’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.”

“Well, I asked them nicely.” - I replied.

So I said “yeah, I rang a bell and then fed her”

Poison IV would just make you kinda itchy

Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.

See Einstein, the problem here is that you discovered Pascal!

It becomes tearable

..."No, Ken do"

Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"

She wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.