Her: I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
My professor wrote on his syllabus "If anyone asks me how I'm doing, my answer will always be 'I am great, how are you?'"
So when we ask him how he's doing, his answer is "It's on the syllabus".
I am going to tell you a TCP joke
And I am going to keep telling it until you get it.
An Honest Werewolf : "What do you mean? I am not a werewolf"
A Random Seer : "Either you are lying or you are an unawerewolf"
I'm a real big fan of cars. I guess you could say I am..
Yes, I am Christian; no, I can't tell you more about it.
Only my wife gets to enjoy my missionary position.
I am sure you've heard of Murphy's Law, but have you heard of Cole's Law?
It is thinnly sliced cabbage.
So you stopped being friends with me as I am a Trump supporter
Mom: "Are you alright?" Me: "Yes I am...
Daughter asked, “Why am I named Rose?” Its because a rose landed on you shortly after you were born. My other daughter asked, “ Why am I named Daisy?” It is because a daisy landed on your head after you were born.
My son asked, “ Why is my name Richard?”
My 8 years old invented this one and I am proudly sharing it with you all
Dad, do you know what an olive is?
A sick grape.
[In court] Judge: After seeing all the evidence, I am sending you to jail.
Defendant: Say-you-did-what.
Judge: What did you say?
Defendant: Thanks for reversing my sentence.
While having dinner last night, my daughter looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?" Proudly, I replied, "Yes, my little princess, yes I am!"
She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"
John Cena: *wakes up in hospital* Where am I? Doctor:ICU John Cena: No you cant
I heard that you can now print a gun off a 3D printer, but I am not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Let me give you my exact location. I am
Doctor: Sir, I am sorry to say that you have onomatopoeia... Patient: What is it, doc?
Doctor: It’s exactly what it sounds like.
Dad I am cold.. If you’re cold, go eat your lunch in the corner. Why?
I am really scared of fence posts. Why you ask?
I have Post-traumatic-stress-disorder.
Me: Sir, you can’t give me a ticket for speeding. I am planning to run a Marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I just found out I am going to be a dad so I need to be prepared. Which are the best dad jokes you know?
I'm gonna bet you 50 bucks that I am no longer addicted to gambling
As I am checking out, I read his nametag and I ask the large black male cashier, "did your momma really name you Amanda?"
I was very surprised that he responded : "Yes, because I am A Man!"
I am a wax strip because I am clingy and would make you want to pull your hair out
But no living man am I! You look upon a woman.
I asked my wife, “I am stuck with this crossword clue. Would you help?”
Her: Sure. What is it?
Me: The clue is “Overworked Postman”.
Her: But how many letters?
Me: Too many.
Are you as clueless about black holes as I am?
Don’t read too much into it. Nothing good will come out of it.
Wife asks her husband "Am I the only one you've ever been with?"
The husband replies reassuringly "yes you are honey" -- to which his wife embraces him comfortably
...the husband continues on to say "the rest have been 8's, 9's, and even some 10's!"
Edit: why was this marked as wholesome LOL
My daughter today asked me if they're called sandals because when you wear them you get sand all in between your toes and I am a very proud dad at the moment.
Me, as I am headed out the door: 'I'll see you later, dad.'
Dad: 'Turn around and you'll see me now!'
I came home at 3 AM. To break the tension I asked my wife "Orange you glad to see me?"
She told me to go sleep on the apri-cot.
You said I seemed a little blue. That's funny because I am in fact turquoise.
I am very, very skilled at parking. I could probably park a car in any spot you think wouldn't be possible.
One could say I'm a hardcore parker.
The Grim Reaper went to collect a soul. Upon arriving he says to the unfortunate man: "Your time has come, prepare to leave the land of the living and follow me to the gates of heaven. Now come and don't hesitate, for I am unforgiving. Or else you will wander in the shadow realm for eternity!
Hi unforgiving, I'm dad"
"Yes you are"
See, you’re the driver and I am the gas pedal
You depress me.
Merry Christmas!
Happy holidays!
What did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead, I am going to hang around a bit longer.
First you listen to me, then you eat me. What am I?
The Great Dad Joke: So Moses is talking to God and he's all like "I don't know what to call you, I'm confused" and God is like "Hi confused, I AM".
Need a pun about flight by tomorrow, can you guys help me out, or am I just going to have to wing it?
This is the last time I'm telling you this: I am NOT the Invisible Man.
First Dad Joke today- I stuck a beer cap to my head and said I was a magnet. My boys contested that I, in fact, am not a magnet. I said are you sure...
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