Year Five Puns

He picked out a Butterfinger from his bag, held it up, and said “Kit-Kats are good but these are butter.”

Now she's a small medium at large.

She was eating watermelon, and she wanted to know how much it cost. (She's obsessed with prices lately.) I asked her how much she thought it cost, and she said, "I don't know, a melon dollars?"

Me: "Are you roaring at me or is that a Lego monster?"

Her: "Its me."

Me: "Why are you roaring at me?"

Her: "Because I'm Aurora!"

My five year old daughter, everyone. She came up with that on her own. I've never felt more proud!

It’s my dream job.

Dad, I’m not a girl, I don’t wear dresses!

(Five-year-old) I'm a fun guy, so they would eat me.

Me: Of course. That’s how we get Number 2 pencils.

My wife yelled at him to close it immediately, as it wasn’t safe in a moving vehicle. I told her it wasn’t a big deal since both of our vehicles have umbrella insurance.

The kids didn’t get it but it elicited a nice groan from the wife, so I’m pretty sure it counts.

...so I told her that her mom saw a few hairs fall out of her head and freaked out.

My daughter responds, completely deadpan, "mom had rabbits falling out of her head?"

She's going to be a great dad one day.

Edit: skipped a word

He replied, "Your name is 'You know what my name is'?"

I've never been prouder.

I was walking my son to kindergarten today and he saw an anthill. He asked what it was like inside, so I told him that it's a bunch of tunnels, like a big ant city. Without missing a beat, he said "so, like... Ant Francisco?" and gave me a cheesy smile.

"Coffee. Get it? Cough-ee."

... but nowadays, when someone gets Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow!

In hindsight, the arguing couple at the store was none of my business.

In the mirror, most likely

Put four on the car and one in the trunk.

...I don't have 2020 vision (I understand I only have like a day left to say this but whatever)

I shed a tear.

Her: "Do you know how I slept last night?" Me: "With both eyes closed."

She got the joke and had a good laugh.

"Sorry, I don't have 2020 vision"

The interviewee responds: "How should I know, I don't have 2020 vision!"

Me: What's on your shirt? Him: Dinosaurs! Me: Have you ever seen a dinosaur? Him: No. They all died. That's why they're called die-nosaurs.

Kid has a bright future.

Edit: verb tense

Probably my bathroom. That's where I keep my mirror.

Son: Can I have something to drink?

Me: Yeah I'll go get you some water.

Son: Hello thirsty!

Why didn't Ana want to give Elsa her balloon?

Cause she'd just (busts into song and dance) let it go, let it go...

...but he didn't feel like it. So, she took his hand and high-fived him anyway and said, "I stole I high five!"

I looked at her disapprovingly and said, "That was a low five."

Him: [Playing with various toys] "Help me! Two sea monsters!!"

Me: "Help you to see monsters? They're right there."

Him: [With the eyerollest eyerolls that ever eyerolled] "No, Dad, this is not for puns."

He told me "I do not have 2020 vision."

We were playing fairies. She picked up a fairy doll that I did not recognize.

"Who is that? She has red hair so she can't be Tinkerbell."

"This is Tinkerbell's friend, Rosetta."

"Oh, is she really good at languages?"

I said, "I don't know, I don't have 20-20 vision."

Me: "Don't answer my next question. Do you always do what you're told?"

She sat there for a full thirty seconds, mentally wrestling with an answer that would prove she's a good girl while still complying with the instruction to not answer the question. Eventually she settled on "Oh Daaaad!" and went back to eating.

Trolling your children, one of the perks of fatherhood.

My father watches Judge Judy everyday at four.

Me: Dad, you missed Judge Judy!

Brother-in-law: How could you misjudge her?!

One customer sees someone he knows in line and yells to the cashier, "Charge him double!"

Dad: A mirror

How should I know? I don't have 2020 vision.