Ya Kid K Puns

Kid said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.”

My kids have gotten to saying this a bunch, so now I reply like a dad...

"Oh ya! We went to the same New Year's party once."

"Sure! He makes the best crab dip."

"Big beard? Lousy tipper?"

"The tattoo guy?"

"Biblically."

"Gave him a 5-star Uber review."

"He was the best man at my wedding."

"I think I owe him $20."

"The bouncer at the club!? How do YOU know him?"

"Doesn't he work at the bakery next to PetSmart?"

"I heard he once punched a cop and broke his nose!"

So I'm visiting home in Chicago, and my father took my daughter and I to the zoo. We're at the lion habitat and my dad says to my daughter:

"Hey, you know what that lion is doing? He's just lion around!"

And not 2 seconds later I hear another dad tell his kids:

"Hey! The lion just jumped! Haha no, I'm lion."

Immediately after another dad to his kids:

"You know you can't trust lions, because they're always lion to ya!"

Please send help

So my dad's name is Jay and my mom's name is Kay. The first time they were introduced, it was obvious their names were destined for dad joke immortality:

Mom's friend: Jay, this is my friend Kay! I thought you two should meet!

Mom: Hi.

Dad: Ya know, if we get married and have kids... we could name them Ellie, Emmie, and Opie. We could eat alphabet cereal for breakfast and alphabet soup for dinner! :) ;)

Mom: ..... uh..

30 years later and they did get married, and did get their "Emmie"! (my sister's name is Emily)

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

• Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
• It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
• What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
• Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
• Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
• Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
• If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
• Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
• Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
• American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
• The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
• Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
• Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
• Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
• Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
• Rittal me this, Batman!
• Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
• Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
• If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
• When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
• You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
• Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
• Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
• Don't think Seton is

I was filling flowerbeds at work-a sport center and gym- with my dad(one of the owners), the groundskeeper- a father himself(lets call him GK), his son, and another co-worker.

two brothers, both in their late teens come out of the gym and wait for their dad to come pick them up. My dad sees them and asks if they want to help with the mulch- "its a free second workout!" A little later, GK says "Hey guys, you two should help with the mulch. We won't pay ya, but it'll help build up your muscles!". After the second time, you could hear the kids groan across the parking lot.

Aaand in come the brothers' father to pick them up. "Hey, look- they're mulching. you should help them. you two need to work on your biceps."

Three variants of the same dad joke in a matter of 15 minutes.

I was at a playground in our new town with the wife and kid. Wife is chatting with another mom. Wife tells her we just moved here. Other mom asks "what brought ya'll here." I respond "a car" and cackle like a mad man.

Whenever the kids on our block are out playing, my dad stops the car, rolls down the window, and says:

"Hey, they're looking for ya.."

pondering pause

"Who..?"

"The squirrels they think your nuts!"

Everytime I went over to my friends house as a kid, when I walk in the house his Dad was always there to greet me first and ask "what's up?" and I always responded with something simple like "nothing". Everytime I responded saying "nothing", the bastard responded with "didn't ask what ya knew!" He did this to me so much that I was scared to go over to my friends house because I knew he'd ask the question, I'd get nervous, say "nothing" and him make me look like a fool again. Maybe this is why I don't trust anybody..

He was brushing her hair and she said "Dad there is a kid in my grade with same size feet as you." He replied with "Ya so do I."

Dad: You kids ever had a donut from this place?

Us: No?

Dad says, "well I've got one right here for ya" and proceeds to playfully punch us in the arm while saying "hurts, don't it"?

Me: sorry I couldn't meet up earlier. I was catching lunch.

Him: that's alright. I just hope you caught it! Lunches can be quite slippery ya know.

We then both proceeded to burst into laughter while his kids and my girlfriend facepalmed.