My wife called me at work and said “it’s time, the baby is coming”
I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
My friend gets in debt and offers to work it off by redoing peoples' kitchens
but I wouldn't accept his counter offer.
I once dated a girl missing 1 leg, it didn't work out though...
I'm lack toes intolerant.
I once dated an X-Ray Tech. It didn’t work out.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
I tried dating a communist, but it didn’t work out.
There were too many red flags.
My dad's sister works in a Paris bakery and hates it.
My friend works in IT and I asked him, “How do you make a motherboard?”
He said, “I usually tell her about my job.”
I thought about being a comedian instead of a mailman, but it didn't work out
My delivery was terrible.
I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...
The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....
According to a recent study, it’s really hard for women to work for the Postal Service.
It’s a mail dominated industry.
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
I recently switched from using mayonnaise to using butter for making grilled cheese sandwiches. My wife said she liked them more with the butter, but kindly asked me if it was more work this way?
I answered: "It is, but only margarinely more."
Note: this really happened.
A preacher with a lisp hired a sinner to paint his church. To save money, the sinner man added water into the paint can. It didn’t work well. The preacher told him:
Young man, you need to repaint and thin no more.
Its extremely rare for a defibrillator not to work.
But when it happens no one’s shocked.
I don't know why it wooden't work
I bought a coin machine yesterday and I can't figure out how it works
It literally makes no sense
I went to try my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
A man came in my tech repair shop complaining his nail had damaged his windows laptop and was concerned it wouldn't work anymore
I told him not to worry- he's only scratched the surface
My ex left me because I was determined to buy van and sell spaghetti out of the back, she told me it wouldn’t work
Should have seen her face when I drove pasta
I recently found out my wiener doesn’t work anymore. I decided to have a funeral since it’s pretty much dead now. My sweet wife asked if anything would make me feel better.
I replied, Perhaps mourning would...
What do you call it when a transgender interpreter is late to work?
Communism sounds good on paper, but I'm not sure I'd trust it to work...
My buddy once asked me what it's like to work as a high rise window washer...
I said it has its ups and downs.
A person asked a mailman, “why do you work as a mailman, it gives so little money?”
The mailman responds “It’s not about the money, it’s about sending a message”
I used to work in a small infantry division that lost its heavy artillery budget...
...It really was a tankless job.
My Dad(64) always shows up to every event 10 minutes after it's started. We bought him a watch, told him the start time was earlier than it was, we've tried everything, but nothing works...
We just have to accept that he's a Late Boomer.
I tried to make a belt out of Italian herbs, but it didn’t work
It was just a waist of thyme
It was raining this morning and my wife had to drive right past where I work, so I said 'Will you give me a lift?'
She said 'Have you lost weight? Nice shirt, by the way, and your hair looks fantastic.'
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work. I got chatting to him, and it turns out he is a pilot on furlough, earning a bit of cash.
He did a lovely job of the landing.
It's amazing..to use the fridge at my work, you don't even need an appointment!
I tried writing with a broken pencil, but it didn't work.
My boss shared this in my work chat today, it took me a moment...
My co-worker Nicholas is rarely late for work meetings, but it often shows up within 2 minutes of the meeting start time
I guess he likes to show up in the nick of time.
Wife: I’m not in the mood to do my homework. Me: Just phone it in and do C-work. Wife: I don’t know how to do C-Work.
Me: step 1, buy a boat.
Just happened. Not an official dad yet but she’s 6 months pregnant. Got to get the practice in while I can.
I met a guy from Australia who works in IT
I asked: Do you come from a LAN down under
My friend saw I was upset the other day and he said "It could be worse. You could be an irrigated hole in the ground surrounded by brick work that people use to get water"
It didn't help, but I knew he meant well
I saw I was running low on stickers at work so I made a note of it.
My friend asked me how the text-to-speech feature works on his phone, but I didn't bother explaining it to him.
There's not just leap years. A leap second is a one-second adjustment that is occasionally applied to Coordinated Universal Time (UTC)! Without it, GPS wouldn't work! Want me to really blow your mind?
I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it won’t work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.
He made a lovely job of the landing.
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