A coworker asks, "I'm swamped with work this week— what if I can't get around to it?"
Cutting my manager off I say, "You'll be sleeping with the phishers, see?"
[five second pause—queue collective groan]
I work at a grocery store where we sell fresh produce, and a costumer was asking about the ramps we have on the counter, asking if they were scapes. I look him dead in the eye and reply "No, these are ramps. Though ramps are a good means of a scape (escape)."
He started laughing while his wife just groaned at our sense of humor.
I then proceeded to tell it to all of my co-workers much to their dismay.
Because working for a fortnight would make everyone too weak.
The steaks have never been higher...
Hey! I'm currently writing a novel. And I'm liking for a pun name based on a word that would suggest them not being real. Please don't give me the actual name. Please give me a word I can work with
I'm not gonna lye
We could never quite get a gig.
Edit: I was aware that it's 1024 Meg to a gig, but "a band called 1023 megabytes" doesn't have the same ring to it. Also doesn't getting the IT wrong make it more dad like?
Noted researcher Rosemary Fuller was involved in a lab accident today. She's working on the theory that herb-based formulas can actually reverse or accelerate the aging process. Parsley, for example, has been shown to cause rapid aging, and recent efforts have shown good results with oregano-based anti-aging serums. Ms Fuller was, unfortunately, standing near a vat of simmering oregano serum when a nearby researcher nudged her and she fell in! It appeared at first that the anti-aging serum would cause her to de-age down to nothing. Now, though, it looks like she'll be all right. The Parsley's aged Rosemary in time.
I'm in the car with my 6yr old daughter and she starts asking me "What does this spell, d-o-g?" I answer, "dog". She congratulates me and asks again. "What does this spell? c-a-t" I say "cat". Again, she congratulates me and I asked her "Ok, what does this spell? I-d-o-n-t-k-n-o-w" She is dumbfounded, but you can see her trying. Shes asks a couple of times for me to repeat the letters. She then finally concedes and sadly says "I don't know." I let out a huge, "THAT'S RIGHT! GOOD JOB!" She started laughing and let out a sympathetic "oh daddy."
So I forgot my school was having a planned fire drill. I was hanging outside my class building, ditching with my girlfriend when everybody suddenly poured out. My teacher came out in front of the entire class and asked me why I was already outside. I don't know what came over me, I guess my brain went into auto-defense-dad-mode because I told him:
What can I say? I'm a premature evacuator.
They scan the room and approach the table of an available recruitment officer. "Hello gentlemen, please have a seat and we can begin." The two men sit in the chairs and pull up to the table. "Now," says the recruitment officer, "hopefully we can find employment for both of you based on your prior work experience. We have a wide variety of jobs available. I'll ask you some questions and we can go from there." The two men nod eagerly in agreement. The officer turns to the first man. "Can you tell me what you did for work before today?" "I'm a pilot," the man replies. "Oh, that's great," the officer exclaims, "I already know that we are definitely looking for pilots!" He takes some notes and turns to the second man. "And can you tell me what you did for work before today?" "I'm a wood cutter," the man says in reply. "Oh, dear," the officer says, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, but we have don't have any positions like that. I'm afraid we can place your friend, but not you." "That's impossible!" the man sputters in disbelief. "I'm sorry, sir. There's nothing I can do." says the officer. "We aren't currently looking for any wood cutters." "But that's insane!" the man shouts in frustration. "If I don't cut the wood, how is he supposed to pile it?"
I've read a lot of puns that work based on reading them, but what's your favorite spoken pun?
The setup: Yesterday morning as I left for work I busted our 16yo son sneaking a girl in to the house. Since I had to get to work I just took all of his electronics. Later in the evening I had a long honest talk with him. Explaining (once again) that I know he's going to fool around but he can't be doing it while his siblings are home alone with him.
I finished the conversation with him by asking if I should get him a condom supply. He responded by telling me that he had only been to second base and that there was time yet.
So I went to bed where my wife asked how it went. After filling her in I ended by letting her know that our son had been to 2nd base.
She replied, "Why would you tell me that?!"
I looked her dead in the eyes and replied "Just wanted to keep you abreast of the situation."
She smacked me.
So I had to pack up a bowl at work today and while i was doing so i annoyed my coworkers with every bowl based pun i could think of
"Hey guys, if we put doritos in here would they have a BOWLder flavor"
"If i lost all my hair would I have gone BOWLD"
"we could fill this with rocks and call this a BOWLder"
"I really like the music of David BOWLie"
"we can slide this at some pins and call it BOWLing"
"what if we were sending this back to BOWLing green Kentucky"
"we can fill it with air and call it a BOWLoon"
"I'm just trying to fit in guys, all i wanna do is BOWLong"
"Of course i think you're telling the truth, i guess you can say I BOWLieve you"
This past week I've been working in a town where almost the entire infrastructure is based on mining. One night I was sitting in my hotel room talking to my girlfriend, and this happened.
Her: "I bet bars there get in trouble all the time."
Me: "Why do you say that?"
Her: "Because they serve miners."
I'm currently developing a game for my studies based on the old windows Game Pipe Dream (or Pipe Mania). It is two player and competitive where each player works for one of two rival companies. The game has a steampunk theme and each company is represented by a different colour. Green is Greenpunk Industries. I need your help, pun masters of reddit, in coming up with a pun for the Blue company.
I was slicing some Genoa salami at work and I asked my boss if genoa was pork-based. Without skipping a beat he replied, "Yes it is, didn't genoa that?" We both had a hearty chuckle.
Stanley worked his way up from nothing in a third world country, saving enough to move to America and support his family. His loyal customer base grew by word of mouth, nobody argued with his results. Finally one day, a customer asked him how he managed to be so good at his work, and he merely responded, "I'm from Pakistan."
ba dum tss
i work the service desk at a grocery store, and me and one of my coworkers will often make puns based on the items we return. i got 2 gallons of white milk and a half gallon of chocolate milk. the following exchange occurred.
him: i'm gonna go dump this milk.
me: that bad in the relationship, eh?
him: well yeah, look what kind of baby they made -points to chocolate milk-
me: in a relationship, you need certain emotions, i guess they just lactose emotions. -he dumps out the milk and returns-
him: hey, wanna see my jugs?
me: i had a friend named calvin who wanted to see mine. one day i finally just said, "hey cal, see em?"
My friend had a really interesting job. One of those jobs you didn't know people could get.
tl;dr just read it, it's worth reading the whole description of the job
Before I moved, my neighbor's job was based in Antarctica. He worked with one of the research centers there, and his job was standing up penguins. I kid you not — when shipments arrived by air, like by helicopter or by airplane or whatever, the penguins would all look up with their tiny heads and look up so high they would fall over backwards. Now, penguins are super awkward in how they waddle everywhere, and so, not wanting to disturb the local environment, the research station had to have someone that could suit up and go out there and stand up penguins.
As soon as every shipment arrived, he would say, "Welp, better go suit up now," get into the whole penguin suit, and waddle out there all incognito and stand the penguins on their feet again. I'm sure they could have done it on their own, eventually, but the idea was to disturb the animals for as little time as possible.
I thought it was the most ridiculous thing when he told me, but he got the job through his dad's researcher colleague. Basically, the deal was they would get people to go down for 3-month periods (I think he ended up doing 6 months) and this was his occupation for that time. Actually, is plane flight there was one of the really cool parts: LA went to Sydney, which then went back across the Pacific to Buenos Aires. Then, on the final leg, he would finally go Buenos Aires to the research station. The planes actually had to be specially fitted for the job, though — Of course, you can't have typical runways in Antarctica because they'd get ice all over them and there'd be all these problems — so the planes had to have mechanics on board each flight who would, mid-flight, switch out the take-off wheels for the landing skis. Just like a sea plane, except it was a snow-plane. Coolest thing ever.
Oh, but the way he described working with the penguins was the best! Most of the time he'd just go out and stand them up, but sometimes one would hurt itself. Like one time one of them fell over backwards and hit its foot the wrong way, so he had to not only pick it up, but give medical help, too. He seriously had to prop up the penguin, take off his glove, and pull on each of the penguins little webbed toes, pull on their legs. Sort of like how I'm pulling your leg right now.
Dad was working in my town for the weekend and we met up for ice cream. I had walked so he was driving me home and at the red light a car next to us with a bunch of teenagers in it. The music was so loud we had trouble hearing each other in the car and the base was turned up to the point where you could feel your skin vibrate.
Dad just turns to me and shouts-- This song is really good! But I'd really like to hear the treble part too
cue groan
