A man is walking down the street when he looks into an alley and sees 2 sharks standing up.
One shark hands the other one a small packet full of some suspicious white powder.
"That's some fishy business" the man remarks.
You know the biggest problem with dating apps?
AITA for eating my coworker's lunch?
How do you feel about circulating air?
Personally, I’m a big fan.
What do you call a ghost's boobs?
Will the quarantine end on April 30th?
A "common" math lesson explained (xpost from r/wooosh)
I turned on the car radio this morning but I think it’s broken.
All I heard was “FFFFFF”. Just white noise.
I really enjoy my job as a claymation model designer
I make six figures a year
My drug dealer cracks me up.
Got my son with this one...
Me: "I know a guy that talks like an owl"
Son: "Who?" pause.... then....facepalm!
Why do they just call it “the Zoo”?
Maybe it’s because the rest is so logical...
Did you ever hear about the knight that always had enemies nearby?
My wife made me a millionaire
Granted I was a billionaire before I met her.
Do you need a current driver's license to drive an electric car
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
but none of them seem to work.
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
A cannibal was walking through the jungle when he came to a clearing and saw a freshly killed elephant lying down with a pygmy standing on top of it, brandishing a big stick and doing a victory dance.
"Have you just killed that elephant?" asked the cannibal.
"Yes," replied the pygmy, "I did it with my club."
"Wow," replied the cannibal. "You must have a really big club!"
"Yes, there are about forty of us!"
My son Brary told me that books can no longer be borrowed from the book house.
U2's lawyers work pro bono.
This'll be the best Christmas of 2018
When I was in Africa last summer, I once spotted an albino cheetah.
The most dangerous job I ever had.
What’s the currency used in alien society?
I’m feeling worried about the new year.
I think I have some auld langxiety.
a lady walks into a bar
"What will it be?" The bartender asks.
" A double endentre. " she requests.
The bartender gave it to her.
I just realised it’s been years since I did the hokey pokey
I guess I forgot what it’s all about
How do modern Spartans cook fries?
If you get cold, stand in the corner of a room.
I hear they are around 90 degrees.
Historians have finally figured out why the Chinese Army kept retreating from the Mongols.
Because General Tso’s Chicken.
I was going to be a doctor one day
But I just don't have the patience.
Cloud Joke
Did you ever hear about the water in the atmosphere that tried to break the rules of condensation?
It wasn't a cloud.
Where does a suicide bomber go on his final mission?
If they do the presidential recount and overturn the decision...
That would really be an unpresidented event.
If I had a pet bear, I’d name him Nate
Then, when winter comes, I’d call him “Hi, bear Nate!”
Every time we pass wind turbines on the freeway...
"It wouldn't be so windy here if they would shut off those fans!"
Dad jokes are dumb.
I mean really, how is there a subreddit dedicated to jokes just about dads?
Right over the cashiers head...
So My dad and I went out to grab some lunch today and we got some food from the grocery store. At the register the cashier asks "Do you wan't a bag" and my father, without skipping a beat, says "That depends, does she work?". Woosh, right over the cashiers head. He was majorly confused and we walked away laughing.
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