514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
My daughter asked "Daddy will you be a man witch for Halloween?"

Our 5 year old was a witch for Halloween and asked dad to be a "man witch" to match her costume. And so begins the dad joke costume: https://i.imgur.com/1qLrHEE.jpg

(I posted this on the Halloween contest in r/pics and was told to share it here.)

πŸ‘︎ 130
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SquirrelNinja3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad in training

Characters: My wife, my son (four years old), and my daughter (his twin, so obviously also four).


Son: "My classmate didn't like me laughing at her today."

Wife: "Why were you laughing at her?"

Son: "I'm a vampire! Bwa ha ha ha ha!"

Wife: "OH! Like an evil laugh?"

Son: "Yeah! Bwa ha ha ha ha!"

Daughter: "I'm a witch! Hee hee hee hee!"

Wife: "So you're both monsters?"

Son: "Yep!"

Daughter: "Hee hee hee hee!"

Wife: "Am I a monster too?"

Son: "Yeah! You're a ... " <dramatic pause> " ... mummy."

Whole family in hysterical laughter, and after it dies down he goes, "Get it!? Mummy!"


I've never been so proud. A spontaneously generated pun of that caliber at four years old, AND an unnecessary clarification/repetition of the joke? I've got high hopes for this one.

πŸ‘︎ 190
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Maclimes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2017
🚨︎ report
I think I pulled an Abbott and Costello on my drama teacher.

Earlier today, we were going through costume inventory for our next musical and my teacher was going through the wigs.

Him: "Okay, we have a sugar plum wig, a fairy godmother wig, a witch wig..."

Me: "Hey, Mr. Teacher, which wig?"

Him: "The witch wig."

Me: "That's what I'm asking."

One person groaned in the back,, and slowly, everyone got the joke and was groaning.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stefonio
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2015
🚨︎ report
I was grocery shopping with my Dad and Mom

We were in the checkout line and I asked

"Dad why is there a broom in the cart?" (As we already have one)

To which he replied

"Your mother has to get home somehow."

She just stood there staring at him, so I thought maybe she didn't get the joke. I explained "He's calling you a witch, Mom."

This made my father laugh even harder while my mom glared at me instead.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/usdaproved
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.