A list of puns related to "When I Dream"
She's gonna love the book I bought her about the meaning of dreams.
But that sort of thing stick in your mind.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta
It was a nightmare
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta
"Buying him gave me a porpoise in life."
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡When I got framed. It really shattered my dreams, but don't worry I'll keep my pane at bay.
Pig plays the drums, Horse sings, and Cow plays the guitar. They’re all exceptionally talented, and form a band, supplementing other spots from around the city. They play local dives, some free shows in the park, and they begin to get some traction. Pig suggests they record an album, and they send demos all over. One label is willing to give them a shot, and they open for a B List name on their tour. During the tour, they amass millions of fans, and by the time they record their first major studio album, they have a following so big that 3 of their songs top the charts. They soon find themselves headlining their own tour, as well as every major music festival.
The three friends are over the moon with their success. Never in their wildest dreams did they believe they’d find themselves rubbing shoulders with music greats. It doesn’t come without its downsides, though. Pig has turned to coke and pills to help him get through the long nights. Horse loves the party side of his new life, and his band mates often hide bottles from him when they’re not dragging him, drunk, to his bed. Cow is sad. Watching his friends fall apart, he misses being home and when things were more simple. Keeping his friends in line and covering for them is taking a toll on his own health.
After a year and a half on the road, the band is in the studio attempting to record their second album. Horse is fast asleep, drooling on the mixing board, hungover from the night before. Pig hasn’t even shown up. Cow has a breakdown, and shakes Horse awake. “I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.” Horse waves him off, and falls back asleep. Cow packs up his guitar and buys a one-way ticket home.
A few days later, Pig is all over the news. He’s in jail for possession. Cow watches the news and shakes his head. He knew it was a sinking ship. Horse hears the news from their manager, who is also calling to tell him that he quit. He wakes up to the phone call, and texts Cow, pleading to have a conversation. Radio silence. Horse stumbles out of bed and heads for his favorite pub. He can’t believe that he’s down two friends, that the band has split up, and his life is in shambles. He sits at the bar. “I’ll have my usual,” he says. The bartender leans over to hand Horse a whiskey. “Hey buddy, why the long face?”
I am marrying the most incredible woman on October 2nd, She is my dream woman in some ways, and re-wrote what my dream woman is in others - some were ways that I did not know were options, so I didn't dream of a woman having it!
So I am writing my vows and I am writing a bit about how I love her and end it with:
"Even when we are apart for only a few hours, we tell each other how much we miss each other. Well today, I misses you."
Wedding is on October 2nd and I cannot wait to drop this beauty on everyone!
One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.
He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.
"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.
"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"
"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.
"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".
"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"
"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"
"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.
"I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.
"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"
"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"
"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.
"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"
"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"
The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -
... keep reading on reddit ➡The moth drops down into the nearest chair and says “What’s the problem?”
Moth says “I don’t even know where to start. First of all, my boss is a vicious tyrant who gets off on the petty torments he puts me through day in and day out, and I’m too spineless to stand up to him, so I just take it and I’ve gradually come to hate myself for it. Also, every morning I wake up to the same prune-face old crone to whom I pledged my vows so many years ago. I used to love her, but that love has become like some sun-festering beached whale trying to die. We lost our daughter last year to one of the bitterest, coldest winters we’ve ever had to face in this region. Isn’t it funny, doc, how all the prayer circles and charity drives in the world amount to pretty much nothing in the face of that cold, impartial face of winter, that bleak, pounding, harsh fist of a callous environment, carrying on with its machinations without regard to our lives, loves, hopes and dreams? Isn’t that hysterical, Doc? Oh and then there’s my son. Doc, I don’t love him anymore. I don’t know what it is but I look in his eyes and I see that same harried look of gutless cowardice that I see when I stare at my own face in the mirror. If I wasn’t such a coward, Doc, I know I’d be able to scrape together enough pride to grab that cocked and loaded shotgun I keep by the bedside table, and just run amok and put an end to this grim facade once and for all. I start with the wife, then the boy of course before putting the barrell in my own mouth. Believe you me, Doc, I’d be doing the world a favor. I have nothing to look forward to but a continuation of this spiraling black hole that is my life, this existential cesspool that is the perpetuation of my lingering skid-mark on society. I despise people yet I crave their approval. I’m judgemental yet I care about nothing. I’m bitter, hateful and afraid. I’m alive yet I feel like the walking dead. This is it, Doc: I am a living, breathing, disease.”
The doctor stares at him for a while then finally says “Jeez, Moth, you definitely have some problems. But I’m a podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist. Why’d you come in here?”
The moth says,”Your light was on.”
Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Dad'.
With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:
"Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad.
She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home!"
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
“Yes of course” replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit ➡Truck driver comes in my shop for a pick up. When asked how he was doing today he responds, "Last night I dreamed I was a muffler, when I woke up this morning I was exhausted."
Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.
First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.
Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didn’t scare the other children."
Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didn’t have to kiss her goodbye"
Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"
Those darn ex wives. "I’m so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."
Mike actually came to my office to tell me about a basketball camp he's putting on next week. He's been playing basketball for 64 years. "I was a great athlete in high school. I was voted most valuable player by all the cheerleaders."
There was one girl though who got away. "There was a girl who lived down the street and I used to call her all the time and say 'Sarah, can I come over?' and she'd say no. So one day she called & said “Mike, come over, nobody's home.” So I went to her house and she was right, there wasn’t anybody there."
That girl may be why he didn't play baseball. "I played football, basketball and track. Someone asked me 'Mike, why didn't you play baseball?' I said 'because I was already so good at striking out!'"
Anyways, Mike went on to have a lengthy career in TV and radio, until he didn't. "I had to quit my job for medical reasons. My boss said I made her sick."
Thank you for your time.
Almost 10 years ago now when my daughter’s mom was pregnant with her—waddling miserably towards the tail-end of her third trimester and about ready to pop—she looked forlornly at her figure in the mirror one day and announced, “Omigod I’m as big as a house!”
And so I, the Rico Suave motherfucker that I am, popped my head up from the book I was reading on the bed and responded thusly without missing a beat:
“Well, baby girl, if you’re a house then you’re my dream home...”
I thought our relationship was my rock on which we would build one hundred stories, but there were termites in the foundation. Unfortunately she ultimately turned out to be a mobile home that couldn’t stay tethered to a single lot for more than a few years at a time as, a short time later, she up-and-skedaddled from our lives and has been a deadbeat mom to our little girl ever since. (My daughter and I built a beautiful, cozy little bungalow-for-two anyways.)
Anyway, does that qualify as a pun, or just an extended metaphor? If not, sorry, I just always thought that was a good line and I wanted to humble-brag a bit.
Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! I’m selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you don’t know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.
Just like me, it’s been around the birthday block a few times, but there’s still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If you’re looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what you’re thinking, “I bet this is a junker”, but you’d be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body I’ve ever had my hands on.
What’s wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed because it’s important to be able to have a good cry once in a while. I did an oil change in the summer and depending on how long it takes for this car to finds it’s new match, I will do another in the next month or so.
Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I’ll give you a run down of what the interior is like. It’s what’s on the inside that matters anyway right? I am the 3rd owner of this car and the previous owner was a smoker. I don’t believe there is a cigarette smell anymore but the cloth seats do have little holes in them. I mean hey, when you play with fire you get burnt right? The stereo head unit has been replaced with a modern Pioneer as the original just wasn’t in tune with my musical needs as a Dj. The only real problem this pretty young thing has is the passenger rear seatbelt does not retract. Since I have two mini controllers I taxi around, I’ve had car seats in the back and have had no reason to replace the seatbelt yet. A new one is only a cool $250 from Hyundai but will take some time for delivery. There are still 4 working seatbelts in the car so if you’re traveling with another couple, I’m sure they’ll love to cuddle up in the middle and behind you, the driver.
The trunk is spacious enough for the average trunk but just doesn’t work out so well for hauling Dj gear. The rear seats fold as easy a poker player having their bluff called, so it will give you extra room. Not much more that I can think of to tell you about but take a look at the plethora of p
... keep reading on reddit ➡My grandfather, in his younger days, retired from his NASCAR dreams to do construction so he could raise a family. Fast forward 45 years to 1994. I was around 15. My grandfather, grandmother, her mother, and I were on the return trip from the Costco and liquor store just inside the no sales tax state of Oregon. My grandfather was, as usual, driving. He raced for Lincoln and they sponsored him so they gave him a really good lifetime discount. He drove a brand new Continental his entire life. He always raced down to Oregon as fast as he could and then tried beating his time while driving back. Suddenly, at about 140mph, a Pheasant committed suicide on the front end. We could see feathers occasionally come loose. Grandpa already had a couple minutes to make up. Needless to say, despite my grandma's insistance, stopping to investigate wasn't in the plans. When we got home, he was cussing an ill timed traffic light with a bored motorcycle cop parked on the sidewalk waiting for his target. My grandma and great grandma nearly died when, without batting an eye, grandpa pulled the Pheasant off the car, grabbed his Gerber knife, and stripped, cleaned, and threw the bird on the BBQ. I was in dying from laughter at this point. Grandma and my great grandma were dying from embarrassment. He offered them some and grandma angrily refused for the 3 of us, calling it road kill. Without skipping a beat, he calmly replied "This isn't road kill, it's Continental Wild Pheasant, Twice-Grilled."
He hops onto a barstool and asks the bartender for a club sandwich and a pint of Guinness , the bartender says "WOW! A talking duck" he is very surprised but gets him his sandwich and pint anyway
The next night the duck comes in and hops onto a barstool and asks the bartender for a club sandwich and a pint of Guinness, the bartender says "WOW! I wasn't dreaming about the talking duck, he came back again" and gets him his sandwich and pint
Once again the duck comes back again the next night and orders his club sandwich and pint of Guinness, the bartender is fairly normalised to the duck now and gets him his sandwich straight away
Over the next week the duck comes in everyday and gets his regular order of a pint of guiness and he and the bartender become good friends, one day the bartender saw an advert for a circus on his way to work. When the duck comes in and orders his club sandwich and pint of guiness the bartender tells him about how he would do great in the circus. The duck doesn't understand and asks the bartender "what would they want with me, I'm only a brick layer"
When Harry Met Salad
What About Ke-Bob
Cumin to America
Weekend at Bearneaise II
Steakin I, II, & III
A Few Good Salmon
You’ve Got Kale
Shawshank Re-Dim Sum
Romancing the Scone
An Éclair to Remember
Roman Hollandaise
Glazed and Confused
Bill & Ted’s Eggcellent Adventure
The Evil Bread
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Shrimp
Fondue the Right Thing
Ribeyes Wide Shut
Mignons
Plante of the Grapes
Spider Manchu
Sushis All That
A Wok to Remember
Marsala-la Land
Apocalypse Cow
Die Chard
Die Chard with a Vinaigrette
Hogan’s Gyros
The Sand Latkes
A League of their Macaroni
Revenge of the Curds
Rush S’More
Braising Arizona
Demolition Ham
10 Things I hate About Ewe
Saladin
Oliver and Com-penne
Dirty Rotten Chanterelles
Sex and the Satay
The Truth About Cats & Hotdogs
Morella Enchanted
Provolone Together
Clear and Pheasant Danger
The Big Chili
Lémon: The Professional
Ava-Tartare
Hocous Pocous
High Fi-Deli Meat
Madagascargot
The Fifth Elementos
Muensters Inc.
There’s Something About Rosemary
I Am Ham
Quiche Lorraine Man
Barley & Me
Lentil Giants
Peggy Soufflé Got Married
Face Stroganoff
Con Gruyére
Fast Times at Porridgemont High
Bok Choys in the Hood
Papillonion
Requinoa for a Dream
Serial Cardamom
I honestly just had a dream that belongs here. At the start of the dream, I meticulously engraved the word "Over" into a knife when I started getting all these friends and old contacts telling me to leave them alone and blocking me... when I didn't say shit. I finally notice somebody is going through my contacts on all social media one at a time and just ruining friendships sending lewd photos of their junk.
I realize it's coming from my computer at home and I can't get remoted into it so I start driving home... only to get caught in a bunch of tornados. One smaller one picks me up and throws my car about 20ft knocking my wheel loose.
I limp my car away from that tornado only to find another doing like a Mexican standoff with me on the highway. I turned to the random person in my passenger seat holding up the knife and said "Wind or Loose, it'll be Over in a Flash" and I woke up. Now I feel the need to change all my passwords...
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
So we're at my sisters just talking about dreams when my dad pops up, "hey this one night I had this CRAZY dream that I was a tipi, then the next night I had another dream that I was a wigwam. So I went to the doctor's and told him about my dreams and asked him about it and he said I was 'TOO TENSE'" He then proceeded to laugh out loud like this was the absolute most funniest thing he has ever heard as I got up and left the room.
So, as soon as I heard this I knew I had to share it with /r/dadjokes...
We both enter the building at the same time, I'm just behind my neighbour in the doorway and he gets a little startled as I grab the door to let him through. He says to me "Oh hello! I didn't see you there! How are you?" I respond with my simple "I'm well, and yourself?" out of courtesy of course. This is when he starts telling me about his dream.
"Oh, I'm just terrible, I had a horrible dream last night"
My response: "oh no..."
"I dreamt I was a muffler."
"A muffler?"
"I woke up exhausted."
I had not choice but to laugh and think of one of my fondest subreddits...
Dad: "Last night I had a dream I ate a 5 pound marshmallow!"
Everybody: "Oh yeahh?"
Dad: "Yeah and when I woke up, my pillow was gone!"
Dad: http://imgur.com/M3jPjIA
So me, my sister and dad were discussing about our weird dreams.
My sister was talking about the dream where she was a cat. She told us how real her tail felt and how useful it is to balance a cat's body when it runs. I then butted in with my dream.
Me: "In one of my dreams, I had four arms and it felt awkward at first but then I got used to it."
Dad: "But you already DO have forearms in real life."
My brother in law and I were looking for some PVC pipe in order to fix my pool filter. He was looking in a lot of places for for this one specific type of connector when he thought we found it. Unfortunately it wasn't even close and he threw his hands up in frustration.
I turn to him with a dead serious expression and said "don't give up on your pipe dream."
I got a very satisfying groan from him right after I said it.
Me:That's one of my specialties! Yesterday when one of my coworkers playfully hit me with curtains I threatened to have her arrested for assault with a thread-ly weapon.
Her: That's so cheesy, but so gouda.
M: Hearing you say that makes me feel grate!
H: Course! I couldn't just let it brie without returning with a different pun. :)
M: I'm so glad we curd share this moment, it keeps me from feeling bleu.
H: Are you stilton going on about this? It could be seen as a provelone.
M: No Whey! Really? I accepted Cheeses into my life a long time ago.
H: Well, I believe that there is more out there than Cheeses, with your Parmesan I could continue. Too bad I am bread tired, and wish to be loafing around. Good night and sweet dreams
M: Well, early to Bread early to Rise, as they say. You have sweet dreams. Oh, and don't ask Rye if I'm in them
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
When it woke me up I realized it was "all a dream."
I had a dream I was a muffler last night when I woke up I was so exhausted
This subreddit made me remember when I was 13ish, my dad had to bring in a plummer to help replace the water tank in the house (we lived on a well). I came in the room and they were having a LOT of trouble.
After they told me how bad it was, I said, "That sounds terrible... well... I guess it was just a pipe dream..."
I want to say I remember a slight chuckle, but was still shooed out of the room.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
...she told me that we didn't have a color we needed.
So this morning I said "I had a dream last night that I found that color for you, but when I woke up I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination."
Got a groan from her, mission accomplished.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”
“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”
I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.
If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”
I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”
“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it
“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”
The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
... keep reading on reddit ➡My friends and I were sitting and eating lunch in school while talking about an assignment we got.
Friend 1: What would be your dream job?
Me: I would like to be a chef.
Friend 2: A real dream job would be to test sleep beds.
Rest of group slowly starts groaning when we realise
I was hanging out with some friends and ended up getting in a cartwheel contest. When I lost, the other guy told me "It's not in your genes." And it just come to me, like something out of a dream.
"No, my legs are in my jeans."
When the news anchor on tv asks "do you ever dream of taking a nap at work?"
To which my dad responds "Yep, but then i woke up and said 'oh crap, i'm at work!'"
"So I had this crazy dream last night."
"What was it about?"
"All I remember is that I was a muffler. When I woke up, I was exhausted."
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