This is my best pick-up line
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︎ Jan 12 2021
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︎ Mar 08 2021
Man walks into a shop and picks up a can of bug spray
The man asks "is this good for wasps?"
The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"
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︎ Apr 28 2021
The Vietnamese restaurant was very rude about the long line they had tonight...
...it was a big Phα» queue.
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︎ Jan 09 2021
Which one stole your broom maβam? Can you pick her out of a line up?
No it was Witch two officer!
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︎ Oct 06 2020
I called my wife and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home.
She just grunted. I think she regrets letting me name the twins.
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︎ May 05 2021
My therapist just told me I have extreme difficulty in picking up social cues.
I think she is in love with me.
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︎ Mar 05 2021
Rick Harris hooked up with this girl using his brother Neil's pick-up line...
The questions is, will Neil Patrick Harris on the back?
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︎ Aug 20 2020
"Wisdom" Puns/Pick-up lines
so im talking to this guy and his name is wisdom. Im horrible at coming up with puns/pick up lines and Im trying to think of a funny one but I cant. help.
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︎ Apr 27 2020
A duck walks into a drugstore to pick up a prescription. The pharmacist asks him,
"Cash or charge?"
The duck replies, "Nah....Just put it on my bill!"
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︎ Apr 02 2021
What kind of house can you pick up?
A lighthouse
From my 7 year old.
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︎ Apr 14 2021
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
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︎ Mar 24 2021
My dad was ready to roll in on the jokes when coming to pick me up after school in his "DIY self-driving" car. Everyone knows though...
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︎ May 14 2021
I picked up a couple of orchids at the grocery store
Now I know all about plant parenthood
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︎ May 15 2021
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record
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︎ Apr 24 2021
How do you pick a stoner out of a line up?
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︎ Dec 05 2019
Pick up
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︎ Feb 27 2021
To get a girl, some guys use pick up lines. Others rely on the attraction of their car
So I figure a pick up truck should cover both bases
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︎ Feb 21 2019
Want to hear some pick-up lines?
Ford Ranger
Nissan Navara
Toyota Hilux
Mitsubishi Strada
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︎ Jan 07 2019
My dad's pick-up line recommendation
So I'm having lunch with the family, and a girl walks in with a Google t shirt.
My dad leans in to me and whispers, "You should go ask that girl if she's 'searching' for you..."
Edit: told my dad about the turnout of this post during dinner and he told me he'd turn my Moto X phone into a Moto Ex phone if I kept using it during family meals. Looks like the fun never ends...
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︎ Dec 26 2014
Pick up line
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︎ Aug 06 2017
Best Pick Up line I know so far
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︎ Jan 23 2018
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
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︎ Mar 26 2019
I got a really nasty shock when I picked up the wife's taser today.
Fucking expensive, those things.
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︎ Mar 02 2021
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︎ Apr 06 2015
Me to son: Go pick up your room.
Son: I canβt.
Me: And why not?
Son: Because itβs too heavy!
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︎ Feb 13 2021
What's the name of that cool female friend who helps you pick up chicks?
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︎ Mar 09 2021
Her: Honey can you pick up some milk
Him:* lifts gallon * done
Her: no from the store
Him: I imagine it weighs the same there too
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︎ Jan 04 2021
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
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︎ Jan 25 2021
As a professional wood sander, girls love my pick up lines...
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︎ Feb 07 2019
My vet picked up my dog, looked at him and confirmed that he was cross-eyed and that he had to be put down.
Confused and upset, I asked why.
The vet advised he was too heavy to hold any longer.
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︎ Jan 07 2021
I need help following up with this pun, this is a video about a scientist giving a lecture about fire, I canβt think of any more other than pun-ch line
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︎ Nov 28 2020
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︎ Aug 05 2014
2 drunk guys getting into a fight. One gets up and draws a line on the ground. He says "you cross this line and I'll punch you in the face".
That was the punchline...
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︎ Feb 05 2021
My wife asked me to pick up a single lemon at the grocery store
But I have no idea how to tell if a lemon is in a relationship or not
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︎ Nov 22 2020
My brother and I both picked up bottles of mouthwash on the same grocery trip...
I guess you could say we really got our Acts together.
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︎ Feb 26 2021
Keyboard pick up line
I'm font of you bc you're my type ;)
Ok don't kill me bye
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︎ Aug 06 2017
Lining up for blocks
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︎ Jun 07 2020
What's it called when you have to wait in line for Vietnamese soup?
Pho queue.
What happens when you finally get your soup but you caught a cold while you were waiting?
Pho cough.
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︎ May 29 2017
I was waiting for my lunch at the Vietnamese food truck, when a guy tried to cut in line in front of me.
I said, β Dude, pho queue.β
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︎ Apr 16 2019
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
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︎ Dec 16 2020
Another Dad cut in front of me in the after school pick up line
It really pissed me off. So the next day I got there early and taught his kid how to ride a bike.
And you can never get that back
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︎ Jun 28 2018
I wish my family wouldn't make such a big deal over not picking up dropped ice cubes.
It's just water under the fridge.
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︎ Dec 16 2020
I'm sitting at Starbucks right now in awe of what just happened. I just witnessed a dad-joke pick-up line.
These two ladies (Around 50) were making small talk with this barista of the same age, when he said, "Why didn't you take your mask off?" to one of them. I guess they didn't know what he was talking about and just shrugged it off with an awkward laugh, then he landed it: "You went as a beauty-queen, right?"
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︎ Nov 01 2013
The little girl lined her dolls up at the cookout.
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︎ Dec 20 2020
I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
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︎ Apr 30 2021
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
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︎ Jun 22 2020
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
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︎ Dec 18 2020
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