Very Clever Puns

But then I look back on the post that I have saved from a year ago that says otherwise.

So I have this app that is centered around dogs. I'm introducing a level system with 7 levels and need clever dog pun names for each level. I have a list here of the gist of what the levels should mean, but they are too boring as of now. Would love to see your pun skills at work!

• 1: Amateur
• 2: Junior Varsity
• 3: Varsity
• 4: Park Captain
• 5: Professional Player
• 6: Park All-star
• 7: Olympian Dog

Thanks! :)

Bartender says “Sure... If you say so. Now please leave.”

Guy says, “No really I can prove it.” *turns to dog * “Dog, what is on top this building?” Dog goes “Roof.”

Bartender says “Very clever. Now I’ll ask you again: will you please leave?”

Guy goes “No no seriously! Listen to this: Dog, what is the texture of sandpaper?” Dog goes “Ruff.”

Bartender says “This is the last time I’m going to tell you!”

Guy says “Wait wait please. Dog who is the greatest baseball player of all time?” Dog replies “Ruth”

Bartender: “Get out! I’m calling the authorities!”

Guy and dog leave.

Outside dog turns to guy and says “Jeez. Maybe I should have said Barry Bonds.”

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

Most of this is my own work, if not, it was inspired by something clever!
I hope this will tickle your funnybone and produce a jolly good set of laughs.

A guy didn't register that the wet paint signs about the handrail was still drying, his hand immediately stuck to the rail. My only response to him was, well you see there, it's an application problem, not hardware.

A researcher's obsession with mixing sand, stones, lime and water has started to yield concrete results.

Eyeglass makers who profit well can frame their success.

Joe: I gave the backyard squirrels Christmas presents!
Abby: Are you nuts?
Joe: No, that's what I gave them...

What did the supervisor at the tortilla factory say at the end of a long workday?
That's a wrap!

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. (Insp)

People who don't answer the phone sometimes miss their calling in life.

His words were heavy, but his friends didn't get the gravity of the situation.

Time flies like crazy!
Fruit flies like apples!

Never let logic and reasoning get in the way of telling a good story. (Sounds like something that would be said on TopGear/Grand Tour)

There are a few words that will open many doors for you in life - Push and Pull (Insp)

Somehow people really don't like it when I throw lamps at them to encourage them to lighten up.
Same goes for tossing handles for when they need to get a grip or soap for cleaning up their act.

When you're on the ballot for the water council and they have a runoff election.

Ghosts speak latin, it's a dead language (Insp)

If you work at a grocery, send the interns down to the meat market to get some red herrings.

There was a river in Egypt that no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.

Bad luck Brian - Invests in uranium, profits decay.

There was an explosion at the film manufacturing company, reporters say the story is still developing.

Why do bagpipers walk around?
To get away from the noise (Insp)

Most people have a six-figure income, just the decimal point is in the wrong place.

It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.

In Russia, the term road has had a controversial meaning for a very long time.

In Canada/Russia, you put things in the fridge to warm them up.

Did you know that the creator of Barbie was named Barbara Dahl?

Doc: There's something not q

• Allow => A-meow
• Apology => A-paw-logy
• Appalling => A-paw-ling
• Attitude => Cat-titude
• Awesome => Paw-some / Claw-some
• Awful => Claw-ful / Paw-ful
• Because => Be-claws
• Before => Be-fur
• Bother => Bo-fur
• Catastrophe => Cat-astrophe
• Catastrophic => Cat-astrophic
• Catch => Cat-ch
• Clever => Claw-ver
• Confusing => Con-fur-sing
• Congratulations => Con-cat-ulations
• Different => Dif-fur-rent
• Disappearance => Disa-purr-ance
• Familiar => Fur-miliar
• Feeling => Feline
• For => Fur
• For real => Fur real
• Forever => Fur-ever
• Forget => Fur-get
• Fortunate => Fur-tunate
• Forward => Fur-ward
• Friend => Fur-end
• Furious => Fur-ious
• Further => Fur-ther
• Get or Got => Cat
• Help me out => Help meow-t
• History => Hiss-tory
• Hysterical => Hiss-terical
• Inferior => In-fur-ior
• Kidding me => Kitten me
• Konnichiwa => Konnichi-paw
• Literally => Litter-ally
• Literature => Litter-a-ture
• Lost => Claw-st
• Lying => Lion
• Magnificent => Meow-nificent
• Marvellous => Meow-velous
• Minimum => Mew-nimum
• Misery => Mew-sery
• Moment => Mew-ment
• Mountain => Meow-ntain
• Move => Mew-v
• Music => Mew-sic
• Musician => Meow-sician
• Never => Nev-fur
• New => Mew
• Now => Meow
• Over => Ov-fur
• Paper => Pay-purr
• Pardon me => Paw-don me
• Pause => Paws
• Perfect => Purr-fect
• Perhaps => Purr-haps
• Permission => Purr-mission
• Person => Purr-son
• Personal => Purr-sonal
• Persuasion => Purr-suasion
• Places => Purr-laces
• Please => Paw-lease
• Portable => Paw-table
• Positive => Paw-sitive
• Possibility => Paw-sibility
• Possibly => Paw-sibly
• Precious => Purr-ecious
• Prefer => Paw-fer
• Preposterous => Pre-paw-sterous
• Pretty => Purr-ty
• Priceless => Purr-iceless
• Prince => Purr-ince
• Princess => Purr-incess
• Puns => Purr-ns
• Purpose => Purr-pose
• Referring => Re-fur-ing
• Respond => Res-paw-nd
• Simple => Sim-paw-le
• Suffer => Suf-fur
• Superior => Su-purr-ior
• Tale => Tail
• Talent => Tail-ent
• Tell => Tail
• That’s all => Cat’s all
• Unfortunate => Un-fur-tunate
• Very => Furry
• Whenever => Whene-fur
• Wonderful => Won-fur-ful
• You => Mew
• Apologize => A-paw-logize
• First => Furr-st
• How are you? => Meow are mew?
• Morning => Meowrning
• Phon