I asked my grandpa, β€œHow are you enjoying the new stair lift?”

Grandpa: I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the weakest part of Tiger Woods game?

Driving

πŸ‘︎ 231
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Light-Insight
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Two fishes were in a tank. Other said:

How do you drive this thing?

πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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I told my boss, β€œSorry I’m late. I was having computer issues.”

Boss: Hard drive?

Me: No, the commute was fine. It’s my laptop.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I snore so loudly...

It scares the shit out of the people I'm driving.

πŸ‘︎ 221
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Two goldfish are in a tank...

One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
How come tiger woods doesn’t golf anymore?

Because he can’t drive

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jesuscide
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Fog

Found this on Twitter:

My pal, driving in fog, got pulled over. Cop says β€œWhat do we do when we encounter Mr Fog?”. My pal thinks β€œbetter humour him” so says β€œ We turn Mr Steering Wheel towards Mr Slow lane”. Cop says β€œNo Sir, I said β€œWhat do we do when we encounter MIST OR FOG !”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
My GPS just told me to turn around

Now I can’t see where I’m driving

πŸ‘︎ 141
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaxerfp
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My car was wrecked by a sheep the other day.

In hindsight, the sheep probably shouldn't have been driving in the first place.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/M1ghty_boy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the cyborg have to rest after his long road trip?

Because he had a hard drive

πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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There are two fish in a tank...

One turns to the other and says, "I'll drive this thing if you man the gun."

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DO_doc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you drive a baby buggy?

How do you drive a baby buggy?
You tickle it's feet! :D

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/capngloval
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I took my laptop with me on a recent road trip.

It was a hard drive.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Is it a dad joke when your daughter tells it?

My 11 year old to my 9 year old, as we drive by a cemetery on a hill : "i wonder why they bury people in a hill."

9 year old, in total deadpan: "because they're dead."

πŸ‘︎ 106
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/g5van5g
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
When there is a strong gust, I often let it take the wheel and steer...

I love a driving wind.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
What is something witches can say about themselves that most americans can not?

"I drive a stick"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Darksides
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
A guy goes for a drive and his car stalls...

...right in front of a house where there’s a huge party going on. He walks in and notices that the party is somewhat divided. There’s a clear distinction between the people waiting for the bathroom and the people queued up for drinks, etc.

Considering the urgency of the bathroom queue, he walks over to the drinks table and asks everyone there if they wouldn’t mind helping him push his car to get it started. They agree but even with the full might of several people, the car doesn’t budge. He thanks them for trying and they all head back inside.

A little while later, the doorbell rings. The man sees the host open the door to the largest pizza guy he’s ever seen. The behemoth is holding 15 pizzas with one hand, a pallet of buffalo wings with the other, with a keg strapped to each shoulder. The man jumps up and asks the pizza guy for his help pushing the car. He agrees and they head to the street.

With barely one touch of a pinky on one hand, the car lurches forward and starts right up. The man drives off, waving behind him and yelling a quick, β€œThank you.”

As he catches sight of the party fading into the distance, he says to himself...

β€œThank goodness for the delivery because that punch line sure is weak.”

πŸ‘︎ 990
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/silashoulder
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I have finally made it

I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time β€œdad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sageyban
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy sees a pirate walking down the street with a steering wheel in his pants...

He yells, hey! Hey, pirate! There's a steering wheel in your pants! Pirate says, Aarr, I know! It's driving me nuts!

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FeelixOne
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the pirate say in regards to his steering wheel belt buckle??

"It's driving me nuts."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cordur-Oy-Jones
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
The Mysterious Sound

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.

The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gasballbutsmol
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Christmas warning

A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the police are out there checking on people. Tonight, I was at a friend's house for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many Jack Daniels and then went onto the Bailey's. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at my friend's house, and took the bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was on the bus, they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from...

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vanilakodey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife holding up "Prickly Pear Margarita": looks like I'm not driving...

Me: Why?

Wife: I don't want to drive im-pear-ed!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bearnakedgamer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
A pirate walked into a bar. He had a steering wheel in his pants.

He said to the bartender, β€œArr, it’s driving me nuts!”

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/officialsmolkid
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you get two whales in a car?

Start in England and drive west

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaxerfp
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...

They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the world are you doing that?!"

The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?"

πŸ‘︎ 175
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Anyone: I’m gunna run down to the convenient store and get something to drink.

Dad: you should probably drive, running that far seems like a lot of unnecessary work.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shua_mc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad told me this one last night

Alright so yesterday at dinner my mom and dad told me and my sister that they decided that we would indeed drive to Florida and stay there and rent a place for a few months. The home they picked out is in the same community as my grandparents, I am all happy about this except for the part where we have to drive 1000 miles over 15 hours of driving. So anyway after my sister and I ask some questions about the place he says β€œdid you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet, but most have four”

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
"Honk if you love Jesus"

"Keep texting while driving, if you are desperate to meet him."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to an exotic petting zoo with Boy George. He wasn't at all impressed with their limited range of animals.

He started pointing them out to me.

"Llama, llama, llama, llama, llama, chameleon."

++++++++++++++++++

I thought of this today while driving and smacked my wheel as I giggled. My girlfriend stared at me, bemused and confused.

I like it. I'm proud of myself.

πŸ‘︎ 95
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zipflop
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A man went to the doctor with a steering wheel down his pants

The doctor asked, "Why do you have a steering wheel down your pants?"

The man said, "I dunno, but it's driving me nuts!"

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Will7838
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other

β€œDo you know how to drive this thing?”

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Fog

Found this gem on Twitter:

My pal, driving in fog, got pulled over. Cop says β€œWhat do we do when we encounter Mr Fog?”. My pal thinks β€œbetter humour him” so says β€œ We turn Mr Steering Wheel towards Mr Slow lane”. Cop says β€œNo Sir, I said β€œWhat do we do when we encounter MIST OR FOG !”

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
2 fish are in a tank

One says to the other. How do we drive this thing

πŸ‘︎ 338
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/darthchimchar64
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
The GPS told me to turn around.

But then i couldn't see where I was driving.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eh1498
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my dad I could run faster than his car he replied how? I said

A car cant run it drives

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hissingsounds
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the snail buy a Tesla Model S?

To drive it around and make people say "look at that S car go!"

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Two goldfish are in a tank

One looks at the other and says: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I had one of the first computers that could talk.....

But this one day, the computer wouldn't stop talking, so I went out and got a Zip drive.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dickcheney600
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report

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