I have finally made it

I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time β€œdad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sageyban
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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Two goldfish are in a tank. One fish turns to the other and says

How the heck do we drive this thing?

πŸ‘︎ 175
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ConnorM1911
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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My wife: I gotta run to the grocery store after work

Me: wouldn’t it be easier to drive?

My wife: ....it was funny the first 100 times.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/charons-voyage
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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I frantically rushed to the computer service center to repair my storage device before it died

It was a hard drive

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chronoz42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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If i had a DeLorean,

I would probably drive it from time to time

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sergio_the_pro
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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I asked my grandfather how he’s enjoying the new stair lift that was recently installed in his house.

He said, β€œI hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.”

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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What kind of rocks are sour?

Limestone! This was made up in the car by my 8 year old son as we were driving home from our Fathers Day outing. Promised I'd share it.

πŸ‘︎ 764
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tnkirk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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So I was talking to my friend yesterday about their recent accident

They told me that recently they had come into ownership of a small ball of string. At first, they thought nothing of it. One day, they walked into their house and the ball of string was on the table, when they had specifically left it in a closet. They put it away again, but the next day when they came home from work, the ball was on the table again. It kept happening, and eventually it became a sort of game for my friend. They'd leave it somewhere they thought it could never come back from, and return to find it on their table.

Then it began to appear in other places.

It appeared in the middle of a company meeting. One moment, the table was empty, the next, it had a ball of string in the middle. While driving, they spotted it in the back of their car. They saw it inside of a vending machine. But at the end of every day it would return to their table.

Eventually, my friend decided enough was enough. They took the string, and threw it off a bridge into a river. As they were driving home, a car swerved and hit them, wrecking both cars. My friend staggered to check on the other driver, and all he found was a small pile of soggy string on the seat.

After that, he never saw the string again.

So after he told me this tale, I turned to him, and said, "Wow... that was quite a yarn."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justcaleb2001
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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A pirate with a ship’s wheel in his pants walks into a bar. The bartender can’t help but ask about it.

The pirate replies, β€œArrgh, it’s driving me nuts!”

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sauron3579
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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The school made the use of "bullet points" illegal because it incited violence in the classroom, and I must admit I couldn't have cared less. That's all changed now, though.

The bus driver isn't allowed to drive my kids anymore because we live on a dead end street.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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The driver got pulled over for speeding

I guess he was driving uber fast

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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Had too many drinks at the pub last night, so the lads suggested I leave the car there and take the bus home.

Turns out I was in no fit state to drive it home either.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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True story. Needs your help to decide.

Driving home from the beach last week, my son said he'd like to sky dive. I told him he was crazy. And (here's where we need help) said "I'm not scared of heights". I said "neither am I. I'm scared of widths". We both laughed and couldn't decide if it was indeed a dad joke or not.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/murfstax
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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My grandpa recently got a new chair for his stairs, but it frustrates him to no end.

He says it drives him up the wall!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Evasive-Cupid
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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2 fish in a tank

One turns to the other and says:

β€œYou drive and I’ll man the guns”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/St00f4h
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.

It was a hard drive.

πŸ‘︎ 127
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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You ever notice how few Deloreans you see on the road?

I guess their owners only drive them from time to time.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scrambledeggsalad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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My son asked me "What to pirates drive?"

Me: They drive a H-arrr-d bargain!

Son: No daddy, they drive a ship.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Talorn_Celeron
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
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We had a car that was Front Wheel Drive and a truck that was Rear Wheel Drive, but we traded them both for on SUV

And now it's All We'll Drive!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dirge-kismet
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
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Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asurarkt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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Day Job

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,

"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.

Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.

It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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I was running late for work today...

...next time, I'll remember to drive!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/asianwaste
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the car made of wooden wheels, body, and engine?

It wooden drive πŸ™

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Singer_Spectre
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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Two of my friends got into car accidents this week

Quarantine is driving people crazy

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/H3nley
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?

A drive bike shooting

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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How do you get two whales in a car

Drive down the m4

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Adhammoussa_
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend is a sushi chef and makes a ton of money.

He drives a Rolls-Rice.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTeddly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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Son: Dad, is that a steering wheel in your pants?

Dad: Sure is son.. it's driving me nuts!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lil_suge
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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A hearse is driving up a very steep street

A hearse is driving up a very steep street and once it gets near the top, the back door opens up and the coffin comes shooting out of the hearse and rolls down the street.

People are diving out of the way, cars are swerving, it’s chaos! By the time it reaches the bottom of the hill it has picked up a lot of speed and crashes into a wall surrounded by people.

The door pops open, the body sits up and says β€œDo you have anything to stop this coughin?”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/countryroads8484
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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Who would win a racing competition among all the computer devices?

USB Flash Drive

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/archit14
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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My son and I were hooking pegs onto a clothes line.

I said, if you drive you are a driver, if you hop then you are a hopper, so if you cook you are a cooker.

my son to his mother: Dad and I are hookers!!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hamadaeleleimy
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
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Bus Driver

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'. 'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?' The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
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Poor little bunny

A doctor is driving home one night along a lonely road when a rabbit suddenly bolted in front of his car. The doctor swerved and tried his best to stop, but it wasn't possible and the car hit the bunny.

He immediately pulled the car to the side of the road and got out to see if he could help the poor bunny. It didn't look good. He raced back to the car to retrieve his bag, but realized almost instantly that he was driving his wife's car and so his bag wouldn't be there.

He frantically rooted through the glovebox, trying to find gauze or water - anything that could be useful. He found a bottle of what he expected was water and brought it back to where the bunny was laying. With great care, he poured a cap full and let the bunny drink.

To the doctor's amazement, the rabbit sprang back to life - jumping up on his hind legs and wiggling his tail. He smiled at the doctor and waved as he began to prance back toward the woods. He hopped a couple of feet, paused, turned and waved again. Hopped another few feet, turned and waved yet again. He reached the edge of the trees and again, he turned and waved at the doctor.

Stunned, the doctor brought the bottle up to the light to see what magic potion he had discovered. Squinting his eyes, he read the label aloud, "Hair restorer with permanent wave".

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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A cop pulled me over. I thought it was probably because of the instagram model riding on top of my car

The cop arrested me for driving under the influencer

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AppliedChaos
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
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I left work and a cop followed me home for my entire 50 minute commute then ticketed me in my own driveway.

He approached me after I had parked in my driveway and asked if I knew why he was writing me a ticket.

I told him I had no idea what I had done wrong.

He said that he followed me for my entire commute and not once did I get in an accident. He fined me for wreck-less driving.

πŸ‘︎ 360
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peon2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
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A cyclist is struggling up a long steep hill

A cyclist is struggling up a long steep hill on his bike, when he is met by a good Samaritan in a car. The guy offers him a long rope to tow him up the hill and the cyclist gratefully accepts. By the time they get to the top of the hill, the guy driving forgets he is towing the cyclist and heads on to the highway, with the poor cyclist ringing his bell in vain. In the meantime, a couple see them drive past their car on the highway and the wife turns to her husband:

"Wow, that car's going pretty fast, isn't it?" The husband replies, "the car?! Look at the cyclist behind him! He's going so fast he's ringing the bell to get the car to move out of the way!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wildlumpfish
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
They had self-driving cars in Russia

As they say: In Soviet Russia, Cars drive you...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/basyt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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I think I had my first dad joke moment

I was driving my daughter (10F) to her dance class. Although we have taken this route countless times before and she never said a word about it before, she did this time and said as she was looking out the window while driving by a particular area, "Why would anyone build a daycare next to a cemetery?"

Without thought, I said "I don't know, but I bet their neighbors are quiet"

There was a second or two pause and then she said "Daaaaaaad."

My chest puffed up with pride for several miles as I thought I had just crossed the line into Dad Jokedom!

πŸ‘︎ 227
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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Semi drivers who haul almonds

Drive everybody nuts.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smakattak
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œOh FUDGE!” I yelled as if I had forgotten something...

As we were driving by the chocolate store. Groans had by all.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bridgeheadprod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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Doctor! Doctor! I’ve got a steering wheel stuck to my groin.

Doctor: Well, that sounds rather uncomfortable.

Patient: Yeah! It’s driving me nuts!

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
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When I die, I hope to go quietly in my sleep. Like my grandfather. ...

... Not on fire and screaming like everyone else on the bus he was driving.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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You have a nice one

The lady at the drive thru handed me my change and said "You have a nice one."

And I said "Thanks, yours ain't bad either."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stacker_shredder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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I don't know if keeping 2m distance from each other is such a smart idea...

Definitely not as I'm driving on the highway.

Sauce: my dad.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Justforgotten
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My Uber passenger texted me before I pulled up to the pin...

I receive a ping 3 miles away as I’m approaching the ping I get a text β€œ honk your horn excessively until I come outside when you get to xxx address I’ll tip $20”. So I pull up to the pin and start blowing my horn for a solid min. My passenger comes out looking a little annoyed he gets in and we head to his destination. We pull up to his house and his dad is standing outside waiting for him, he greets him and asked how his ride was, he said the drive was great but the fucker blew his horn non stop until I came outside. His dad said that’s weird and handed me a $20.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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The ultimate Dad Joke - Bulgarian Train Man

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuiltedButts
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
🚨︎ report
I bought a Transporter van.

Whenever I drive it I feel like Jason Statham.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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I don’t have a carbon footprint

because I just drive everywhere

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pandacoat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What goes "clip-clop-clip-clop-bang?"

An Amish drive-by.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
The best dad jokes are unplanned

My family and I were in the car driving down the road the other day. My 5 year old asked for words that rhymed with blue.

β€œWell, there’s glue, two, moo, snoo, zoo, boo..”

My 8 year old chimes in, β€œDaddy, what’s snoo?”

My immediate response? β€œNot much, what’s new with you?”

My journey to the dark side has been complete.

πŸ‘︎ 147
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drako1117
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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My 8 yr old son asked me to buy him a Lamborghini

I told him by the time he got his license and was old enough to drive it, it would be a Sheeporghini

πŸ‘︎ 160
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goosifer999
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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I used to sell computer parts,

but then I lost my drive.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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My wife told me she'd leave me if I don't stop making Microsoft puns, and I need some advice

I immediately left my Office and tried explaining myself. Sure, on the Surface I do it often, but I think it Works. It's not just about Word play, either; my Outlook on life helps me Excel. She and I have such a great Team Foundation, I Azure you. I wanted to Exchange my thoughts with her, so we could work with OneDrive. I looked her right in the Windows of her soul, to Access the deepest parts of her heart, and told her I loved her. Completely on Edge, I awaited her answer...

PowerPoint of the story is: does anyone know of a good divorce lawyer?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
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I'm a shell of a man

Snail slides into a Tesla dealership after seeing Elon Musk on TV. Inches his way up to a salesperson. Snail asks to go on a test drive, the sales person shrugs, says sure, why not. It's been a slow day.

After it's over, snail is impressed. "I gotta get one of these!

Saleswoman asks if he can afford it. He is, after all, a snail. Snail retreats into his shell comes out with a wad of cash, the exact amount for the car.

"Yeah lady, I can pay! Can I get it customized?"

The woman says of course, but it'll cost more. Snail whips out more dough.

Snail says "Paint it with pink S's all over the vehicle!"

The saleswoman says sure and asks why.

The snail says "When I'm driving around, I want people to say 'WOW! Look at that fast, pink electric S-car go!'"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/earthwulf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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Yesterday i was driving the Tesla car i stole...

People won't stop telling me i'm actually driving an Edison

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Squidboy2002
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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Got hit with this one at work

Me to co-worker : hey, let me check out your new top of the line Honda CR-V. Can I take it for a quick spin?

Co-worker : Probably not a good idea to drive it today. I just came back from the gun registry and I have my gun in the center console.

Me : what the heck do you need a gun for?

Another co-worker: well how else will people know he’s driving a fully loaded Honda CR-V?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RandomPerson_2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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My ears are plugged...

Short conversation with my son yesterday driving home from skiing:

Son: Dad, my ears are plugged.

Me: My ears are ears.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/angryflipflop
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
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Rare diseases carried by bat droppings

Be careful to avoid bat droppings. You can catch a rare disease from them that can drive you batshit crazy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aiaor
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
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There was a man driving a pickup truck.

In the bed of the truck was a bunch of baby ducks. He passed a police officer, the officer fired up their blues and twos and pulled the man over.

The officer said, "Sir, you can't just be driving around with all these ducklings in your car. You must take them to the zoo immediately."

The following day the same man was driving the same truck with the same baby ducks in the bed, except this time, they were wearing sunglasses.

The same police officer saw, they pulled the man over again and said, "Look mate, I told you yesterday to take those ducks to the zoo."

The man said, "I did take them to the zoo. They loved it! We're going to the beach today!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joshymint
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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100 years ago everyone owned horses and only the rich drove cars

These days everyone drives cars and only the rich own horses.

Oh how the stables have turned.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mulletboiiii
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
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New Achievement as a Father

Today while driving, my 2.5 year old asked for "tookies" and I replied with "Turkeys?" She responded quickly with her little "no". I feel proud that I can finally dad joke my child now. (This is an advancement in conversation structure between us)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/immabettaboithanu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
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I once met Meatloaf when I was working as a car salesman.

He came in looking for a small coupe for his wife’s forthcoming birthday. He found one he liked and we completed a test drive together. The car was listed at Β£28,000 plus tax. He was deep in thought looking around the car but unfortunately for me he decided not to buy it. I was in my 20s, had a young family and working a commission only job so a couple of days later I rang him to see if anything could be done. He was keen on the car but didn’t like the Β£28,000 plus tax price tag. I assured him that this was a great price for the car, however he said that it wasn’t so much the price of the car, it was more the tax. He said, β€˜I’d do anything for love, but I won’t do VAT’

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CromulentDucky
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
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Two fish are in a tank....

One says to the other, β€œYou know how to drive this thing?”

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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two fish are in a tank

one turns to the other and says "how do you drive this thing"?

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ziro_0
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks,”What’s with the steering wheel?”

To which the pirate replies,”Arrgh, it’s driving me nuts.”

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thedudeman144
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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Two goldfish are hanging out in a tank

One fish turns to the other and says, 'Any idea on how to drive this thing ?'

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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Two goldfish are in a tank, one of them turns to the other and says

Hey! Who’s gonna drive this thing?

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkeazyG
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
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Two goldfish are in a tank.

One says to the other, β€œDo you know how to drive this thing?

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Two goldfish are in a tank.

One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

πŸ‘︎ 117
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigDaddyAlex7077
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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Two goldfish are in a tank.

One says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/citronellaspray
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Two fish in a tank and one says:

β€œHow do you drive this thing?”

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bwdan82
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Two goldfish are in a tank. One leans over to the other and asks...

β€œDo you even know how to drive this thing?”

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πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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You dont see many Delorean's on the road

It’s because the owners only drive them from time to time.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/poptart100
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Two Goldfish in a Tank.

One says to the other, β€œDo you know how to drive this thing?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cplaprade
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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Did you hear the one about the magic tractor?

After driving down the lane, it turned into a field.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rob_Haggis
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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Two goldfish are in a tank.

One says to the other β€œDo you know how to drive this thing?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nlolhere
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you get two whales in a car?

Start in England and drive West.

πŸ‘︎ 250
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Two goldfish are in a tank.

One says to the other, "you know how to drive this thing?"

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Racing_the_Reaper
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other:

"Do you know how to drive this thing?"

πŸ‘︎ 139
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfalberto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
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Two fish are in a tank

One says, β€œHow the hell do we drive this thing?!”

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2020
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You know, I have a wheel in my pants

It's driving me nuts!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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A pirate walks in to a bar...

...with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender spots him and looks quizzically at this man. He asks the pirate β€œWhat’s with the steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate replies β€œArrr, it’s driving me nuts”.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sk1wbw
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Two fish are in a tank

One turns to the other and says "How do we drive this thing?"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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There where two fish in a tank

One turned the other "how do you drive this thing?"

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karson_the_foxx
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
🚨︎ report
The Ultimate Pun

This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit 1: Thanks for my first gold /u/Lhjnhnas!!!

πŸ‘︎ 418
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DylanTheG999
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
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If you bought a DeLorean...

Would you drive it a lot, or just from time to time?

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ocbrad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
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