I can’t come up with any jokes about cutting down trees.
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
A blonde woman is speeding down an empty road when she’s pulled over by a blonde cop. The cop walks up to her window and asks for her driver’s license.
“Driver’s license?” the blonde driver asks, somewhat confused.
“You know, the little rectangle with your face on it that you keep in your purse,” the blonde cop explains patiently.
“Oh, that!” the blonde driver exclaims. She digs around in her purse and finally pulls out a small rectangular mirror, which she hands to the blonde cop.
The blonde cop looks at the mirror and exclaims, “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am, you’re free to go…I didn’t realize you were a cop!”
Edit: Some people in the comments are saying that this is not a dad joke, I put this here cause my dad told this one to me. Hope this makes sense :)
My day consisted of ups and downs.
So I got off the elevator.
Sometimes, when I sit on the floor, I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them. Then I tuck my head down on top and lean forward.
I tried to put my son down for a nap today, but he cried and refused. I was very surprised when the police showed up 15 minutes later, cuffed him, and took him away.
When I asked them what law he'd broken, they told me he was resisting a rest.
Told my wife I was taking her to a party. She wanted to know if she should dress up or dress down.
I said “Dress up before the party, dress down after the party!”
A waitress at a diner gives a man his check. As he gets up to leave, he puts down the amount for the check plus three cents for the tip. The waitress notices this and approaches him before he leaves.
Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.
Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?
Waitress: This first one tells me that you are very thrifty.
Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.
Waitress: This second one tells me that you are not married.
Man: Yes, that's true too.
Waitress: And this last one tells me that your mother wasn't married either.
I was walking down the street and yoghurt came up to me and said ‘EAT ME’…
It was one of those proactive yoghurts
For their Halloween party the young couple decide to dress up (or down) as cave men and women, covering themselves only in leaves and twigs.
Worse than the costume idea was the frequent wardrobe malfunctions that came about throughout the evening. Luckily for everyone the couple would manage to get a hold of the situation before things slipped down too far. Though unluckily for everyone, the guy would always end this awkward real-life recurring slapstick segment with the even more awkward dad joke: "what a releaf".
What's green on the outside white on the inside and goes up and down?
No one’s career is more up and down than an elevator technicians.
And don’t even get me started on people pushing their buttons everyday.
I just filled the car up with petrol didn't notice I'd spilled some on my sleeve, going down the road I lit a ciggy and my sleeve burst into flames, so I opened the window and stuck my arm out to try and blow out the flames.
The Police pulled me and are now arresting me for having a fire arm without a license…
I was going down an escalator this morning and everybody up top was looking right at me the whole way down
I guess you could say they were moving stares
Your eyelashes are the longest hairs on your body. They go up over your head, under the skin, down your neck, your back and finally resurface as arse hairs. Proof?
Pull just one arse hair and your eyes water.
Transformer blew up down the street while I was taking a poo.. There was a bang, fizzle, and my power went out.
It was a pretty spooky dooky.
Being a Stepdad isn’t easy, but coming down and opening up a World’s Best Dad card and aftershave.. wow, what a feeling!
.. turns out it was for Liam’s biological Dad and I had to re-wrap it but still had a lovely day.
A guy keeps calling me up and singing "prince charming" and "stand and deliver" down the phone to me. I keep telling him to stop calling...
I tried to become a stand up comedian, but it turns out that I am more of a "sit down" comedian.
After every joke I told, someone kept yelling "sit down"!
My mother always told me I look more like her from the waste up, but took after my father from the waste down...
... because I'm a smart a**
My vet picked up my dog, looked at him and confirmed that he was cross-eyed and that he had to be put down.
Confused and upset, I asked why.
The vet advised he was too heavy to hold any longer.
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
what do you call a tree that will never give you up, never let you down, never gonna run around and desert you?
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
Auntie went up ladder into high part of house. High part of house not so strong. High part of house have dangerous things. I worry about Auntie. She up there long time. Later Auntie come down ladder, safe. Whole event was..
I finally saw the new Justice League movie but when the heroes ended up in a funky little shack down the Atlanta highway, I was confused at first.
It was the Fred Schneider cut. Oops!
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My wife asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I said: “Of course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.”
My son flushed one of his shoes down the toilet, stopping it up...
A man is walking down the street when he looks into an alley and sees 2 sharks standing up.
One shark hands the other one a small packet full of some suspicious white powder.
"That's some fishy business" the man remarks.
My lawn care guy had to give up mowing when his mower broke down.
Kenny Rodgers ended up in a wheelchair after an accident. While rolling down the side walk, he lost a wheel.
He sung: you picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel.
Should I stock up on eggs before the next shut down?
I am having an eggs essential crisis.
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was not worth the trip.
I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. “You need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,” I told her. “Do you mow the whole yard in one direction.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because that’s what makes it beautiful.”
Oh, the eye roll on this kid.
A child picks up a piece of chocolate and puts it in the shopping cart. The mother takes the chocolate, as it is unhealthy, and puts it down next to the eggs.
For its unhealthy being, it was in eggs-aisle.
Stair humor has its ups and downs
As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
