Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
When I woke up from an operation, the nurse leaned over and said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
My vet picked up my dog, looked at him and confirmed that he was cross-eyed and that he had to be put down.
Confused and upset, I asked why.
The vet advised he was too heavy to hold any longer.
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
what do you call a tree that will never give you up, never let you down, never gonna run around and desert you?
If there is one genre of music that raises me up on some days and gets me down other days
A man is walking down the street when he looks into an alley and sees 2 sharks standing up.
One shark hands the other one a small packet full of some suspicious white powder.
"That's some fishy business" the man remarks.
Have you heard of Darth Vader's wife, she's always reliable and lifting people up when their down
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was not worth the trip.
A child picks up a piece of chocolate and puts it in the shopping cart. The mother takes the chocolate, as it is unhealthy, and puts it down next to the eggs.
For its unhealthy being, it was in eggs-aisle.
I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. “You need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,” I told her. “Do you mow the whole yard in one direction.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because that’s what makes it beautiful.”
Oh, the eye roll on this kid.
As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do by raising one leg?
The other day I was driving by a prison and an unusually small person was scaling down the wall. I looked up at him confused as he sneered back at me.
And I thought to myself, well that’s a little condescending.
sorry it’s a repost of myself. My original post got removed for hate speech and harassment
You are watching a stand-up comedy and suddenly the comedian sits down
What does Darth Vader use to move up and down?
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog, bends down as if to pet it, then picks it up by the tail and begins spinning it over his head. It created quite the ruckus, so an employee ran over and asked the man if he needed help.
"No thanks, just looking around."
Stair humor has its ups and downs
What sound does an airplane bouncing up and down in turbulence make?
What has a little penis and hangs down? A bat. What has a big penis and hangs up?
I stood up in the middle of a meeting to fix the time on the clock. My boss told me sit down and do it later. I said...
“I guess it’s probably the wrong time.”
My brother visited the cemetery today to see our mom. He walked up to her grave stone, closed his eyes and with a tear running down his cheek, said
Look who’s grounded now, mom.
Being a yo-yo master has its ups and downs.
Mom: I hear that John's business is doing a lot better. How did he manage to get enough people to slow down on that stretch of highway to even notice his store? Dad: Oh, he followed my advice and put up a billboard.
"Nude Colony Ahead, Keep Your Eyes on the Road!"
As I was walking down the street, an old man came up to me and explained all the benefits of dining on meals with mint derived from sub-shrub herbs...
I thanked him for the sage advice but went on about my business.
When your soy bread prices keep going up and down
I was sitting at a stoplight when a gorgeous woman pulled up next to me and rolled down her window. I rolled my window down and smiled at her. She looked at me and said,
“What? Did you fart too?”
Being an elevator engineer has its ups and downs.
I woke up this morning, looked down at my hands, and heard a voice yell, “Death to America!”
I think I might have terror wrists.
If right is left and up is down..
Go to options and change your controller settings
At a funeral a man sits Behind the woman who’s husband just died. The man leans forward and asks, “do u mind if I say a word?” she responds, “Not at all, please do.” the man stands up and says “plethora” and sits back down.
“Thanks,” said the woman, “that means a lot.”
My job as an escalator repairman has its ups and downs
A man and his wife are walking down the street when they see Police Officer Ed up the street.
It's a small town so they know Police Officer Ed well enough to know that he can be pretty curt and rude. As they pass him, they exchange pleasantries. The husband tips his hat and Officer Ed does the same. The wife says, "Hello Officer Ed, it's a beautiful day isn't it?" Officer Ed looks at the sky, grunts, and says, "It looks like rain." The wife looks at the sky and says, "But there isn't a cloud in the sky." Officer Ed doubles down, "It's definitely going to rain."
The husband doesn't want to start any problems so he bids the officer good day, takes his wife's arm and leads her along. Once they were out of earshot, the husband said to his wife, "Listen, Rude Officer Ed knows rain, dear."
If you’re trying to get your point across about something, try adjusting the decibel level of your voice up and down while talking.
It will speak volumes to people.
My girlfriend swore up and down she could learn to orgasm by smelling, hearing or tasting something yummy.
Goofy girl! After 6 months of trying, she finally came to her senses.
I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."
"And he won?" I asked.
"Well, no..." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder, the big jerk!"
Which cellist has had ups and downs in his career?
An ancient Greek playwright was suffering writer’s block. Kept scribbling down lines and then tearing up the pages.
Picking up the torn pages, his friend asked, “Why Euripides?”
Every year on New Year's Eve, when everyone's counting down the final 10 seconds to ring in the new year, I get up off the couch and stand up. I stand up and raise my left leg and just leave it raised for a little while until the countdown finishes and midnight strikes
that way I always start the new year off on the right foot
Darth Vader's new wife has his life full of ups and downs.
Her name is Ella.
Ella Vader.
As we were heading out the door, my son plopped down on the floor, hoisted both of his feet into the air, looked up at me and screeched, "Daddy, put my shoes on please!"
I looked down at him and chuckled, “I think my feet are too big.”
A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day, he feels it shaking, looks down and sees an elephant climbing the tree. The squirrel shrieks, “What are you doing climbing my tree?” “Well, I’m coming up here to eat some pears.” says the elephant.
“You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears!”
“Well I brought my own pears.”
A man once looked up and saw his cows on a mountain. He panicked and decided to bring them down but was really scared to do so.
Why?
Because the steaks were very high!
The words "Up" and "Down" are both antonyms and synonyms
Up and down are opposite directions, and your house can "burn up" as it "burns down". Also as a colloidal invitation, one may say "Hey we're going to a party, you up?" or "Hey we're going to a party, you down?"
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
