Very disappointed to find out that the universal remote control I bought does not control the universe.
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Jul 05 2021
At the beginning of the term, my university professor makes all of his students buy the book that he wrote.
Itβs textbook Economics.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 05 2021
Thank you student loans for getting me through university.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
π︎ 273
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︎ Jul 04 2021
What did he buffalo say to his child when they left for university?
π︎ 3
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︎ Jun 21 2021
Hispanic high school senior mails his little brother to local university.
The college application asked for a small essay.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jul 01 2021
Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe. What do you get when you remove it?
π︎ 27
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︎ Apr 11 2021
What does mexican son tell his father before going to a university abroad?
π︎ 29
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︎ May 22 2021
There's been a quack in the universe
π︎ 22
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︎ Jun 05 2021
Tae Kwon Donkey (The Ass that kicks back) And Crab Maga (The Krav Maga crab that doesnβt just talk crab, he backs it up). Figured this community of punsters would appreciate the universe we are creating on Patreon.
reddit.com/gallery/lgzbtq
π︎ 6
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︎ Feb 10 2021
I've spent all morning trying to think of a quality pun, just to come up with THIS otter rubbish.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jun 28 2021
He should have dated Miss Universe
π︎ 59
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︎ Apr 16 2021
My Son Ate a Bunch of Scrabble Tiles. My Wife is Scared but I'm not...
He should have a good vowel movement. His next diaper change could spell disaster though.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Jun 23 2021
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
π︎ 10k
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︎ Jun 29 2021
Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $3.00
Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:
Riceless
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π
︎ Jun 28 2021
Today on a walk my son was asking about a bunch of plants and stuff, he pointed to one and I said it was a fungi.
Without missing a beat he asks "Daddy, do you know how much room you need to grow Fungi like that?"
I did not know.
So he tells me "as Mushroom as possible!"
So proud.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jun 26 2021
My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work
She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Jun 27 2021
Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Jun 23 2021
Why did they build the university on a mountain?
It was a place of higher learning.
π︎ 48
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︎ Mar 24 2021
Always part of a classical dish
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jun 19 2021
Did you know a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence?
For example
- I ate my friend's lunch
- I ate my friend's colon
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jul 04 2021
What do cannibals serve at the beginning of dinner party?
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Jun 02 2021
SpongeBob may be the main character of the show.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jun 16 2021
A conversation I had on a dating app. For context, her instagram is mainly pictures of chairs and her name rhymes with chair.
π︎ 909
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︎ Jun 23 2021
In an alternate universe, Hercules was a girl.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Oct 31 2020
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ May 25 2021
What kind of tree comes from your mouth?
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jun 28 2021
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jun 30 2021
Scientist have actually discovered a feline-like life-form on Mars! But unfortunately, one of their rovers ran over it, and
Curiosity killed the cat :(
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jun 04 2021
The one and only acceptable way of advertising
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jun 25 2021
Iβm sorry aboot these. Please donβt kick me out of this sub or shoe me away....
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jun 12 2021
What kind of pet do you step on?
π︎ 500
π
︎ Jul 05 2021
It takes guts to be an organ donor
For real tho. Donate your organs. It saved my dads life π
π︎ 2k
π
︎ May 15 2021
My friend keeps saying βCheer up, man. It could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.β
I know he means well.
Edit: Wow. Thanks for the awards, kind Reddit strangers!
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jun 29 2021
Ah sorry i didn't read the name of the subreddit right
π︎ 250
π
︎ Jun 30 2021
Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.
But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jun 19 2021
My friend was trying to feed her baby but he was having none of it. I said "Try the Airplane."
She said, "Airplane? What is it?"
"It's a classic spoof film from the 1980s but that's not important right now."
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jun 08 2021
I hope that the universe keeps on expanding forever so all the heat runs out some day. It means that eventually things are gonna be 0 K
π︎ 8
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︎ Apr 08 2021
What is capital city of universe
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
What do you call 2000 pounds of bones?
π︎ 511
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︎ Jun 30 2021
The CEOs of Miller, Bud, and Guinness walk into a bar
The bartender asks what they'd like.
The executive of Miller orders a Miller Lite, so the bartender gives it to him. The executive of Bud orders a Bud Light, and he's given one. The bartender looks at the CEO of Guinness, and he asks for a Coke. The bartender, bewildered, hands him the Coke and asks why he didn't order a Guinness. In reply, he said,
"I figured if those two weren't drinking beer, then neither would I!"
π︎ 365
π
︎ Jul 08 2021
Have you heard the news that Liberty University is suing the founderβs son and former university president?
That Jerry doesnβt Fall Well.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
π︎ 8k
π
︎ May 23 2021
The CEO of IKEA was just selected as the Prime Minister of Sweden
Heβs assembling his cabinet.
π︎ 876
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︎ Jul 02 2021
My son was rejected from Indiana University. Feeling persistent, he asked me if he should call one of the advisors and plead for admission.
I told him beggars canβt be Hoosiers.
π︎ 287
π
︎ Jun 16 2020
Wife was at the doctorβs office yesterday and texted me that sheβs tired of waiting.
I told her toβ¦be patient.
Iβm a new dad of a five-month old baby and I was quite proud of this moment.
π︎ 240
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︎ Jul 07 2021
After achieving universal peace, the Guardians of the Galaxy settled down and opened a floor tile business.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 16 2021
So we all know that you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, but what do you find on the outside of a fire hydrant?
π︎ 7k
π
︎ May 18 2021
Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe
but if you remove it, you get gravy.
π︎ 55
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︎ Nov 24 2020
My friend keeps saying βcheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.β
π︎ 305
π
︎ Jul 08 2021
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