Ultimate Dad Puns

Tomorrow we will be adopting a new kitten, and I am hoping to find the most appropriate name that is fun and punny and appropriately a dad joke. Give me your best (or worst) ideas!

For context, it’s a longhaired gray female kitten that’s about a year old. She’s replacing our 17 year old cat we put down today after a short illness.

EDIT: cat tax. https://postimg.cc/vDPj2brf

I’m currently at a medical conference manning a vendor booth. A bunch of reps from the USNavy medical branch came by the booth to chat. Whenever someone visits, we have an iPhone-based QR reader that registers visitors in a database so we can take notes. I was zapping their QR codes when one of the majors says, hey, are you Norwegian? I knew exactly where he was going, and responded by saying yes…I’m Scandinavian. At which point we hi fived in appreciation.

It’s the little things…

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!

One will see you later and the other will see you in a while?

Daughter groaned, employee laughed, other dad's nodded approvingly.

But I’m not sure little Pete and Repete appreciate it.

"I'm going out on a limb here..."

When your baby boy is born on the way to the hospital, and you name him Carson.

A while ago, my daughter told me she was into fan fiction. I told her I used to be as well, but I changed to air conditioner fiction... because it was cooler.

She was not amused.

I have now created a subreddit called r/AirConditionerFiction

If you have the time and the desire, drop by and leave a short work of fiction regarding air conditioning. If this is successful, I will give my daughter a link and wait to see her facial expression. I will also prepare for being put in a less-then-stellar retirement home.

I was hungry af yesterday and I called my dad to buy something to eat

Me: Dad, I'm Hungry

Dad: Hey hungry, I'm dad!

All these years I was so cautious not to fall for it and yesterday was the first time my guard was lowered and he used the opportunity!

Bed time!

3 guys are in a boat with 4 cigarettes but no way to light them. What do they do?
Throw 1 cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

I work a cancer hospital and schedule patients for surgery and procedures and stuff. I had this one couple who I knew I would like as soon as they sat down. The first thing the man says to me “you wanna hear a joke?” Me “ah, of course!” ....a few moments of silence go by... dad “did you hear about that actress? I think she played in miss congeniality? It was Reese something? She committed suicide.” Totally buying the story I go, “are you serious!? Reese Witherspoon!?” And with out a beat he says “No, with a knife.” And I looked at him for a few seconds to comprehend the joke and then lost it! I know this is probably old but it’s a classic.

Me: "Hey Dad, what's for dinner?"

Dad: "Food!!!!!"

Every damn time...

https://www.instagram.com/dkmpose/p/BwoRJ19BCgG/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=pg995ffh0pc7

For as long I can think of, anytime I would take my family out for supper at a restaurant, when our server would bring us the check I would in my best calm and collected demeanor advise our server "Oh table #?? said they were picking this up for us tonight", to which most servers just give a ya right smile or a simple haha nice try sir.

Well on this most recent adventure I see the check coming and get all primed and plot it all out. The server politely slides the check to me, I so graciously put my hand on it and slide it back with my recited lines delivered so perfectly "Oh yes I should have told you sooner that table 16 has offered to pick up the check tonight". Well our server burst out laughing, which to us was a surprise as its not as hilarious as she is now making it. Well when she finally stops laughing enough to talk, she so wonderfully delivers the message, "thats good to know sir - cause your sitting at table 16!"

Jokes on me! But it made for a great night of laugh at dad.

Edit - "demeanor" - where the frick was auto correct on that one. thx Enders!

...is when you can successfully pull off a Henway.

I toss a sheep, a drum, and a snake off a cliff.

Ba. Dum. Tsssss

1. Did I tell you the one about the man with the light bulb in his nose? He was lightheaded.

2. Why are fish so smart? 'Cause they swim in schools.

3. Why did the man put a sweater on his hot dog? Because it was a chili dog.

4. Fozzie: There was this sailor that was SO fat Sailor: How fat was he? Fozzie: He was so fat that everybody liked him, and there was nothing funny about him at all.

5. Why do movie stars have lots of fans?Because their hot.

6. What do you get when you put chocolate pudding in your mother's shoes? You get a spanking

When I was a young boy, I was playing in my front yard with my brother. A man in a van pulled up and asked us to help him find his puppy. My brother, being older and wiser, ran inside. I, however, fell for the prank and hopped in the van, eager to find the dog. The man became hostile and I quickly realized he was kidnapping me. I had to think fast. I was panicking.

"I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" I shouted loudly.

The man was unhappy, but took us to a gas station so that I could go. He grabbed my arm and looked me in the eyes and sternly said "If you're up to anything, I'll kill you! Don't say anything to anybody. You better come right back!"

I went into the bathroom and looked around. A window! I quickly scrambled on top of the toilet and popped the window open. I hauled myself up to the opening and began to pull myself out and to freedom when a hand grabbed my foot! It was the man! He began pulling my leg...

Just like I'm pulling yours.

My friend had a really interesting job. One of those jobs you didn't know people could get.

tl;dr just read it, it's worth reading the whole description of the job

Before I moved, my neighbor's job was based in Antarctica. He worked with one of the research centers there, and his job was standing up penguins. I kid you not — when shipments arrived by air, like by helicopter or by airplane or whatever, the penguins would all look up with their tiny heads and look up so high they would fall over backwards. Now, penguins are super awkward in how they waddle everywhere, and so, not wanting to disturb the local environment, the research station had to have someone that could suit up and go out there and stand up penguins.

As soon as every shipment arrived, he would say, "Welp, better go suit up now," get into the whole penguin suit, and waddle out there all incognito and stand the penguins on their feet again. I'm sure they could have done it on their own, eventually, but the idea was to disturb the animals for as little time as possible.

I thought it was the most ridiculous thing when he told me, but he got the job through his dad's researcher colleague. Basically, the deal was they would get people to go down for 3-month periods (I think he ended up doing 6 months) and this was his occupation for that time. Actually, is plane flight there was one of the really cool parts: LA went to Sydney, which then went back across the Pacific to Buenos Aires. Then, on the final leg, he would finally go Buenos Aires to the research station. The planes actually had to be specially fitted for the job, though — Of course, you can't have typical runways in Antarctica because they'd get ice all over them and there'd be all these problems — so the planes had to have mechanics on board each flight who would, mid-flight, switch out the take-off wheels for the landing skis. Just like a sea plane, except it was a snow-plane. Coolest thing ever.

Oh, but the way he described working with the penguins was the best! Most of the time he'd just go out and stand them up, but sometimes one would hurt itself. Like one time one of them fell over backwards and hit its foot the wrong way, so he had to not only pick it up, but give medical help, too. He seriously had to prop up the penguin, take off his glove, and pull on each of the penguins little webbed toes, pull on their legs. Sort of like how I'm pulling your leg right now.

My kids were sitting around sharing dad jokes. I walked in and my youngest asked me, "Dad, what's the ultimate dad joke?" With a completely straight face I replied, "Children."

Walking through the mall.... They have a show model of a Buick that they are selling, sitting outside the food court...

My dad..everytime...without fail.....

"Would ja look at the parking spot THEY got!!!"

I know we don't normally do this but I had no choice, I had to share it https://youtu.be/CYVBfaot8tU?t=31s

So, i am laying in my bed and my dad yells from the kitchen "hey bud, which side of a chicken has more feathers?" And me being me say the wings. His ansert was "the outisde". He then proceeded to chuckle and drink beer in the basement.

https://youtu.be/MepBeEpEQcM

Do you know how to make Chicken Egg Roll?

Put it on an inclined plane.

So, I have this pair of shoes. They started off as wedge heels. One day, I noticed that the heels were coming off, so I took them off. I can still wear the shoes as ballet flats. Anyway, today my dad walks in and picks up one of the heels. "Look at the poor little lost sole," he said. I responded with a Dream Theater joke that was also very 'dad': "Just send it to the Ministry of Lost Soles!" Then, he picked up both of them. At the exact same time, we said, "Sole mates!"

From College Humor: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MepBeEpEQcM

Knock knock jokes:

http://i.imgur.com/FbhaoJR.png

http://i.imgur.com/lV4fkX5.png

http://i.imgur.com/KhMJWE1.png

http://i.imgur.com/u5bGCKl.png

http://i.imgur.com/WV0ozHa.png

http://i.imgur.com/bnbQwMh.png

Regular jokes:

http://i.imgur.com/FSpBRve.png

http://i.imgur.com/BimhVEg.png

http://i.imgur.com/hmT1VXU.png

http://i.imgur.com/mOtfMsH.png

http://i.imgur.com/qHmY3BG.png

http://i.imgur.com/fc3M93G.png

http://i.imgur.com/IGErA97.png

http://i.imgur.com/DCN90VQ.png

http://i.imgur.com/zG5hetR.png

http://i.imgur.com/Ff1x8Zm.png

http://i.imgur.com/tUKALrn.png

http://i.imgur.com/0Coe17Y.png

http://i.imgur.com/S7gltN7.png

http://i.imgur.com/Pjs3xjN.png

http://i.imgur.com/VPnE7bJ.png

So the other day I was walking through the living room and I stubbed my toe. Because that hurts more than hell, I screamed out "MOTHERFUCKER!"

Just after this my dad leans around the corner and said, "you rang?"

The humor was worse than the pain.

Watching the Pirates and Brewers game tonight and the ole pops drops this one on me:

"I'm pretty sure we got a Locke on this game cause this guys gonna Lohse"

The names of the starting pitchers... -_-

Go ask your mom

Me: I'm Hungry. Dad: I'm Dad, nice to meet you.

Sorry if this has already been posted

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXDh-1dvkNs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MepBeEpEQcM

Classics everywhere with an absolute masterpiece at the end.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXDh-1dvkNs

The ultimate dad joke duel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MepBeEpEQcM

Check out this College Humor Video http://www.reddit.com/comments/2x5fml/the_ultimate_dad_joke_duel/