6 year old came home with this one. She always giggles before the punchline: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
π︎ 2k
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︎ Dec 01 2021
My kid got diarrhea after eating alphabet soup.
It was a large vowel movement.
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︎ Oct 07 2021
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day
Breakfast and breakfurious
π︎ 2k
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︎ Jan 07 2022
Two cannibals were eating a clown when one turns to the other and says
Does this taste funny to you?
π︎ 15
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︎ Sep 27 2021
Why don't French people ever eat two eggs for breakfast?
Because one egg is un Εuf
π︎ 6k
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︎ Nov 18 2021
My 6 yr old son has an attitude problem at the dinner table. He barely eats and always makes the rudest comments about the home-cooked food we provide him, so tonight we tried alphabet soup.
I really hope he eats his words.
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︎ Nov 06 2020
Another joke from my emerging comedian, eleven year old son: What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup?
His mother gave him a piece of her mind.
π︎ 12
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︎ Dec 18 2021
A little boy came running up to me and said, "Please help, my dad is in a fight!" I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, "Which one's your dad?!" He replied, "I don't know."
"That's what they're fighting about."
π︎ 7k
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︎ Jan 07 2022
How do you eat soup with chopsticks?
π︎ 8
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︎ Oct 31 2021
My five year old is full of em. What do you call two birds that are stuck together?
π︎ 1k
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︎ Dec 12 2021
Two horses in a field, one says to the other βIβm so hungry, I could eat a horseβ
The other replies βmoooβ
π︎ 324
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︎ Mar 20 2021
Why did the mad cook insist everyone eat the mussel-sultana soup?
Purely for shellfish raisins.
π︎ 16
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︎ Aug 29 2021
What do you get when you eat two bananas and throw the peels on the ground?
π︎ 17
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︎ Jan 06 2022
My 12 year old daughter hit me with this one last night.
Daughter: βDad, do you know how non-binary people harm each other?β
Dad: Puzzled, confused look βUm, noβ¦how?β
Daughter: βThey / themβ. (They slash them)
Dad: βIβm so proudβ
π︎ 20k
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︎ Oct 09 2021
I was peacefully eating my Chinese soup, until a guy came out of nowhere and flipped the bowl, spilling my soup everywhere and ruining my meal.
This was an act of wonton destruction.
π︎ 8
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︎ Feb 15 2021
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Oct 27 2021
Two carrots were crossing the road and one gets hit by a car.
The doctor says I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that your friend is alive, the bad news is he will always be a vegetable.
π︎ 280
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︎ Dec 14 2021
Son while eating dinner: βDad would you like to try one of these BBQ ribs?β
Me: βAre you sure you can spare one?β
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 23 2021
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and asks,
π︎ 50
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︎ Jan 05 2022
Two fish are sitting in a tank and one says to the other...
You drive and I'll work the gun.
It's my cake day. Thought I'd share.
π︎ 98
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︎ Dec 29 2021
As my son proudly handed me my new grandchild, I asked him if he knew the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling. Puzzled, my son replied, "No, what?" I explained...
"One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler!
π︎ 33
π
︎ Dec 29 2021
Two doctors are standing at the end of two parallel piers. Which one do you go to in a medical emergency?
Itβs quite the pair of docs on a pair of docks paradox.
π︎ 33
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︎ Dec 23 2021
After eating alphabet soup....
....the next time I pooped I had a vowel movement. But I'm a bit worried that all the other letters still haven't come out. It's been a while now so I went to see my doctor. He said it wasn't a big deal. I was just a little consonantipated.
π︎ 8
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︎ Mar 06 2021
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that is draped in bacon. βA bacon tree, weβre saved!β he says. He runs up to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasnβt a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
π︎ 5k
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︎ Oct 06 2021
My son said: βDad, once I reach 99 pounds, I will eat one pound of nachos.
Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son.β
π︎ 14k
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︎ Jul 25 2021
Two guys were robbing a liquor store. One held up a bottle and asked βis this whiskeyβ?
The other one answered βyes but not as wisky as wobbing a bankβ
π︎ 667
π
︎ Nov 22 2021
You shouldn't eat more than 239 beans in one sitting.
One more would make you too farty!
π︎ 2k
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︎ Sep 12 2021
So there are these two rich old men who are neighbors
At the on the border of their land is a pool that conjoins the two luxurious estates. In this pool each man has a pet dolphin. Every day, the two old men stand at the edge of the pool, and argue about who's dolphin is the smartest. This has gone in for years.
Then one day the first neighbor says "Let'ssettle thus ince and for all!"
So the two men begin to divise a test to determine which dolphin is the smartest. They spare no expense. There are obstacle courses, memory tests, decoding puzzles, hoops to jump through; the whole nine yards.
As the day of the test comes closer, the first neighbor statys to get nervous. He thinks to himself "what if my dolphin loses...I would be humiliated." So he decides to drug his neighbor's dolphin.
The day of the test arrives and of course the first neighbor wins with flying colors. He gloats his victory for months...but after a while he begins to feel guilty...
So he tells his neighbor "Hey neighbor, I have to come clean. I cheated in the dolphin test. I drugged your dolphin. We don't really know who's dolphin is the smartest."
His neighbor looks at him and says, "You know, that really defeated the porpoise."
π︎ 2
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︎ Jan 09 2022
Two men walk into a bar. One man orders HβO. The other man says: "I'll have HβO, too."
π︎ 7k
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︎ Aug 31 2021
Two cats had a swim meet. The first cat, named OneTwoThree, swam in lane one. The second cat, who went by the name UnDeuxTrois, raced in lane two. Who won?
OneTwoThree.
The Un-Deux-Trois cat sank.
π︎ 135
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︎ Nov 19 2021
Thereβs a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Nowβs when you ask: whereβs the punchline?
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 24 2019
A hunter in Montana got a knock on the door of his log cabin while he was eating his supper one evening.
Confused as to who it could be, he gets up and opens the door to find the county sheriff standing there.
'Why, hello sir,' he says, 'what can I do for ya this fine evening?'
'I'll get straight to the point,' the sheriff replies, 'I know you've been huntin' grizzlies in these here parts, and that's against the law!'
'Huh? I ain't been huntin' no grizzlies, sheriff,' the hunter replies, 'I been mainly focusin' on them deers i swear!'
The sheriff, not believing the hunter, insists on searching the cabin, with the hunter reluctantly letting him in. Upon his search, the sheriff finds multiple sets of the limbs of grizzly bears, providing all the evidence he needs to arrest the hunter.
The next day, the sheriff is approached at his desk by the hunter's lawyer as well as an FBI officer. Noting this as unusual he stands to greet them.
'I'm gonna have to ask you to let my client go,' the lawyer says.
'Why?' The sheriff stammered
The FBI agent interjects, 'You have violated the Constitution of the United States in imprisoning this hunter. The remains in his possession were all front legs of the grizzly bears, and as such, you have infringed upon his second amendment right to bear arms.'
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 20 2021
"You give me one leather jacket and I invest it and give you two leather jackets"
"I don't know man, that sounds like a Fonzie scheme to me."
π︎ 16
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︎ Jan 11 2022
My 3 year old was eating cake
She scooped it into her cup. I asked her what she was doing. She said she was making cupcakes.
I'm very proud
π︎ 163
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︎ Jul 28 2021
A man on a business trip went into a singles bar, approached two women, and offered either of them two hundred dollars to spend the night with him. One girl stormed out in a rage, but the other remained cool, calm...and collected.
π︎ 4
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︎ Dec 28 2021
Why can't penguins fly? (One from my 8 year old neighbour)
Because they're made of chocolate!
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 30 2021
My friends and I were at Disney world and wanted to eat somewhere, and one of them suggested Star Wars
But that was in a Galaxy Far Far Away
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 03 2021
My 14 year old dropped this one on me - I am so proud: two snare drums and a cymbal fall over a cliff...
π︎ 14
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︎ May 02 2021
These two dinosaurs were walking one day and they came across another dinosaur they had never seen before, eating plants. One says "Who is that?!" and the other replies...
"I dunno. I've never seen herbivore!"
π︎ 72
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︎ Feb 26 2020
Where do people with one leg like to eat?
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 01 2021
Here's an old one I still chuckle at: There's an upcoming Hollywood action film about classical musicians...
The cast, made up of high-profile action stars, were choosing their roles.
Sylvester Stallone went "I want to be Mozart!". Bruce Willis said "Then I'll be Beethoven!" and Jean
-Claude Van Damme, "I'll go with Tchaikovsky".
After a moment of silence, Arnold Schwarzenegger stood up, looked at everyone in the room, and said "I'll be Bach".
π︎ 74
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︎ Nov 28 2021
I explained to my son, "You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one."
"That's the Domino effect!"
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︎ Aug 09 2021
my 7 year old daughter told me this one. Why didn't the apple want to date the banana?
Because she didn't find him appealing
π︎ 653
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︎ Oct 18 2021
One bouquet or two ?
π︎ 2k
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︎ Sep 01 2021
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. βDo you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?β
βBecause we donβt need depth perception with our mouths β was his technically correct answer
π︎ 8k
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︎ Jun 29 2019
The police arrested two kids yesterday during a protest. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating firecrackers.
They charged one, and lit the other off.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jun 22 2020
two cannibals are eating a clown, when one says to the other...
"does this taste funny to you?"
π︎ 18
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
As my son proudly handed me my new grandchild, I asked him if he knew the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling. Puzzled, my son replied, "No, what?" I explained...
"One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler!
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Aug 15 2021
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